DH resents me being SAH

[Anonymous]

I'm SAH by default because we moved right after DS (1yr) was born, and I haven't found a job. We have a very low cost of living now, and few expenses. I also stockpiled a lot of cash before leavin my job, so we have decent savings for future expenses (bigger house etc) down the line when I start working again. So this isn't about money/financial pressure. DH has a stressful job, and a lot of responsibility gets piled onto him. But he's had this job for many years- it's not like he had to step up because he got married and had a baby. He would still have this job if he were single. Anyway, he's starting to resent me-he makes offhand comments about how he hates going to work and he's jealous of me. Lately, he's doing zero housework. He doesn't even bus his own plate after dinner. If I don't pick it up, it will sit there for eternity. The one delineated chore he's supposed to do is trash, but he hasn't done it in weeks. I don't want a fight, but this is becoming really irritating, and I feel like a chore mule. I feel like because of his resentment, if I say something, he's going to be a jerk about it and we'll get in a fight. Any advice or btdt?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he needs to find a new job that makes him happier.

[Anonymous]

That's tough because it's not your fault and he's being bitter. The situation does kind of suck for him. What can you do to communicate to him that you appreciate that he's working so hard? What can you do to make his life easier (and demonstrate that you're making an effort to make his life easier) short of being a slave and clearing his plates? Can you help make him lunches to take to work? Can you arrange for him to have some purely fun one on one time with DS on the weekends? Or if he needs down time take DS for a period of time every weekend so that he can unwind at home?

[Anonymous]

OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

[Anonymous]

My husband is the exact same as yours (no help, won't bus his plate, etc.), only I work full time and he works part time. I've so had it. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, or about helping, he erupts and calls me names, etc. If it wasn't for the kids, I would be so out of here now, but am just biding my time to make sure I can financially afford the divorce.

[Anonymous]

You do work, relate to him you have a family to take care of and the home. Forget the trash and dinner, you can do that...not a big deal but make it clear you both have jobs. Not only that you are saving on daycare costs. The only downside I see in staying at home is if there is a divorce down the road will you be able to get back into the same line of work.

It's great you saved money, but I would always have a stash of my own...just in case. His stress is his problem, and when he makes snide remarks use good psychology and remind him how lucky he is to have a nice clean house, meals made, baby taken care of etc.

[Anonymous]

How hard is it to take someone's plate to the dishwasher? Just do it. If my spouse were having a really hard time at work I would make sure to help him in any way possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is the exact same as yours (no help, won't bus his plate, etc.), only I work full time and he works part time. I've so had it. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, or about helping, he erupts and calls me names, etc. If it wasn't for the kids, I would be so out of here now, but am just biding my time to make sure I can financially afford the divorce.

He's a man and he work part time! I assume he's looking for a f/t job? Geese, yes get yourself in a good position; sounds like a selfish sob. Well he's really not going to like paying child support etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you don't want a divorce, I suggest that you work now to understand his perspective, and perhaps after that to have him understand yours.

[Anonymous]

I don't think he realizes how much worse his life would be if you were a FT WOHM. He'd have to do a lot more housework, childcare, etc... Or maybe he feels like if you did work, he could find a new, less stressful job? I agree with other PP... he needs to switch jobs. How more stressful would his life be if you all were to divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

What happens when you get home? Do you then split duties? So if his job is all home related stuff during "work hours" does he get a break when you get home, or is it only you that gets to relax while he takes care of dinner, clean up, bath and bedtime. That's not fair at all. If SAH is also a job, when does he get off work?

I think you're a nice and your DH is under appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Ask him if he thinks his life will be easier if you work FT so he has his job and then 50% of the childcare/housework on top of that. That should shut him up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he thinks his life will be easier if you work FT so he has his job and then 50% of the childcare/housework on top of that. That should shut him up.

Terrible advice. You need to try to understand him. What exactly is bothering him so much?

[Anonymous]

Pick up his plate or go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

What happens when you get home? Do you then split duties? So if his job is all home related stuff during "work hours" does he get a break when you get home, or is it only you that gets to relax while he takes care of dinner, clean up, bath and bedtime. That's not fair at all. If SAH is also a job, when does he get off work?

I think you're a nice and your DH is under appreciated.

Different PP with the same arrangement. I'm the SAHM mom. I get time off on the weekends to do a few things to myself. I used to get naps. Now that they are in school, I have tons of time to myself while managing to keep the house spotless and dinner on the table at 5:30. It's not terribly hard, but my friends who have time management issues and have difficulties multitasking struggle. I sort of enjoy that my DH's sole job is to work and enjoy his time with me and the children. Yes, I don't get the external kudos, but I see what I do on a daily basis and that's enough.