DH resents me being SAH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm SAH by default because we moved right after DS (1yr) was born, and I haven't found a job. We have a very low cost of living now, and few expenses. I also stockpiled a lot of cash before leavin my job, so we have decent savings for future expenses (bigger house etc) down the line when I start working again. So this isn't about money/financial pressure. DH has a stressful job, and a lot of responsibility gets piled onto him. But he's had this job for many years- it's not like he had to step up because he got married and had a baby. He would still have this job if he were single. Anyway, he's starting to resent me-he makes offhand comments about how he hates going to work and he's jealous of me. Lately, he's doing zero housework. He doesn't even bus his own plate after dinner. If I don't pick it up, it will sit there for eternity. The one delineated chore he's supposed to do is trash, but he hasn't done it in weeks. I don't want a fight, but this is becoming really irritating, and I feel like a chore mule. I feel like because of his resentment, if I say something, he's going to be a jerk about it and we'll get in a fight. Any advice or btdt?

Do you know that he is intentionally avoiding these chores, or is it possible he is going through a rough patch and is forgetting? When my DH has a lot going on at work, his contributions at home slide. He's not doing it to spite me for being home with our kids, he is just genuinely exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Sorry if this has been suggested but why don't you go back to work and give your husband a change he needs by letting him stay at home with the baby? If this sounds unfair then he has every reason to be angry. If this sounds difficult and impractical then you must at least be able to imagine how trapped he feels. Life is hard for everyone but how many are willing to trade their crap for someone else's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bus his plate ? WTF kind of thing is this ? I keep reading this particular statement from you women. You CHOSE to stay home. Your JOB is to make your husband's life less stressful.

Stop acting like you're a princess.

You have got to be kidding me. She is a SAHM not a maid. She is not a server and a bus boy. There is no way my DH would even think of doing this.

[Anonymous]

Hi, there! I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Have you been able to open your heart and speak to your husband about how you feel? Do you think it might be helpful to get in touch with a counselor?

When I was a SAHM for a couple of years I was in a similar situation. But slowly things got ironed out as I got back to work. I will be praying for you, and I hope you will be able to figure out a way soon. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

Honestly, you sound awful and terribly disrespectful of someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your staff.

+1
I was cringing at how self righteous and important sounding you think you are when you stated "I don't cook" "I don't clean" and calling him a chore mule.
You really come off at disrespectful and domineering. I hope you don't come across like this to your husband

[Anonymous]

Just because you work outside the home, you're not exempt from picking up after yourself when you are at home. Dirty a plate? Clean it up. Pee on the bathroom seat? Swipe it with a wipe. Generate trash? Take it out once in a while. SAH spouse does not equal 24/7 personal servant, and the people suggesting it ("bus his plate or get a job") make me want to puke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

Honestly, you sound awful and terribly disrespectful of someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your staff.

+1
I was cringing at how self righteous and important sounding you think you are when you stated "I don't cook" "I don't clean" and calling him a chore mule.
You really come off at disrespectful and domineering. I hope you don't come across like this to your husband

I'm a SAHM and honestly it's blunt, but I am the chore mule. I do the heavy, dirty work at home. I go out of my way to make things easier for my husband who's working because it's my chosen role for the family. If I expected him to clean or split things 50/50 the second he walked in the door, I sort of don't see the point of being home full time. Things need to be easy, easy for him. That's my role here. To make sure everyone's lives (my husband, the children, and mine) run smoothly and without too much strain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

Honestly, you sound awful and terribly disrespectful of someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your staff.

+1
I was cringing at how self righteous and important sounding you think you are when you stated "I don't cook" "I don't clean" and calling him a chore mule.
You really come off at disrespectful and domineering. I hope you don't come across like this to your husband

I'm a SAHM and honestly it's blunt, but I am the chore mule. I do the heavy, dirty work at home. I go out of my way to make things easier for my husband who's working because it's my chosen role for the family. If I expected him to clean or split things 50/50 the second he walked in the door, I sort of don't see the point of being home full time. Things need to be easy, easy for him. That's my role here. To make sure everyone's lives (my husband, the children, and mine) run smoothly and without too much strain.

Atta girl, have those slippers waiting for him at the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is the exact same as yours (no help, won't bus his plate, etc.), only I work full time and he works part time. I've so had it. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, or about helping, he erupts and calls me names, etc. If it wasn't for the kids, I would be so out of here now, but am just biding my time to make sure I can financially afford the divorce.

He's a man and he work part time! I assume he's looking for a f/t job? Geese, yes get yourself in a good position; sounds like a selfish sob. Well he's really not going to like paying child support etc.

What do geese have to with this thread?

[Anonymous]

Read what she wrote. It isn't finances, it seems more like he's taking the stressful job out on her. Her going back to work would mean he has to then do half the cooking, cleaning, baby stuff etc. which realistically would add more stress. They are saving a ton in daycare alone, and a better environment for their child.

I do all the dishes, doesn't bother me a bit. Trash, big deal put it out to the curb once a week if he forgets. These are NON-ISSUES.

When he complains OP remind him of the above, all the advantages. If finances do ever become a issue get a little p/t at home for extra, otherwise I would stay at home raising my child. Are you guys planning to have anymore kids? If your bills are low right now KEEP them that way, many people we know got into big mortgages and put themselves in bad situations. Sounds like he has a lot to be happy about, just look around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

Honestly, you sound awful and terribly disrespectful of someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your staff.

+1
I was cringing at how self righteous and important sounding you think you are when you stated "I don't cook" "I don't clean" and calling him a chore mule.
You really come off at disrespectful and domineering. I hope you don't come across like this to your husband

I'm a SAHM and honestly it's blunt, but I am the chore mule. I do the heavy, dirty work at home. I go out of my way to make things easier for my husband who's working because it's my chosen role for the family. If I expected him to clean or split things 50/50 the second he walked in the door, I sort of don't see the point of being home full time. Things need to be easy, easy for him. That's my role here. To make sure everyone's lives (my husband, the children, and mine) run smoothly and without too much strain.

Atta girl, have those slippers waiting for him at the door.

You people are so confused about this thread. OP stated that she does the majority of the housechores. But, the DH can still bus his own plate, yet, he still expects her to even do that. It's a friggin plate. He seems to just refuse to do this because he is taking things out on her. Immature, selfish, and disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I look at it from another perspective. I WOH, and DH is a SAHD. My work is not very stressful, and I chose to work a long time ago for a variety of reasons. Basically, I'm very much like you DH in that respect--married or single, I'd be doing what I'm doing.

Here is the kicker. I absolutely expect DH to do the chores. He is the chore mule, that is his job. I am putting in long hours these days (not by choice, but it is what it is now) and sometimes come home exhausted. If I do my dishes, it's a bonus. If I don't, I don't hear a squeak about this. He does it, I sincerely thank him for that. I do not shop, I do not clean. I spend time with DC, and I do volunteer to take over, because I know how tiring small children are. Again, it's a bonus. If I'm not up to it, tough shit, he'd better man up and feed the baby, bathe the baby and so on.

I think it is psychologically easier to think of a man as a chore mule. When it's a woman, such thoughts are tantamount to misogyny. But that's the only way this SAH things works. Tilt the scale either way, and it affects your relationship negatively. Yes, DH should appreciate what you do, it's not an easy job. And if he doesn't, I don't know how you can fix that. Counseling maybe? But it doesn't change the simple fact that you are an alma de casa and should live to the name.

Good luck working this out. It doesn't happen easily for everybody, you may be better off going back to work in a couple of years.

Honestly, you sound awful and terribly disrespectful of someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER, not your staff.

+1
I was cringing at how self righteous and important sounding you think you are when you stated "I don't cook" "I don't clean" and calling him a chore mule.
You really come off at disrespectful and domineering. I hope you don't come across like this to your husband

I'm a SAHM and honestly it's blunt, but I am the chore mule. I do the heavy, dirty work at home. I go out of my way to make things easier for my husband who's working because it's my chosen role for the family. If I expected him to clean or split things 50/50 the second he walked in the door, I sort of don't see the point of being home full time. Things need to be easy, easy for him. That's my role here. To make sure everyone's lives (my husband, the children, and mine) run smoothly and without too much strain.

Atta girl, have those slippers waiting for him at the door.

You people are so confused about this thread. OP stated that she does the majority of the housechores. But, the DH can still bus his own plate, yet, he still expects her to even do that. It's a friggin plate. He seems to just refuse to do this because he is taking things out on her. Immature, selfish, and disrespectful.

**Yes it's a friggin plate, so she should not play into it or act like she notices his silly behavior. No attention is better then negative attention like any child, just wash ALL the dishes and ignore it. It's on him, he'll have to work through his job issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bus his plate ? WTF kind of thing is this ? I keep reading this particular statement from you women. You CHOSE to stay home. Your JOB is to make your husband's life less stressful.

Stop acting like you're a princess.

You women? You sound like an angry husband.

Any asshole should be able to put their plate in the sink.

This. And it sounds like OP's husband is not doing it because he has a chore mule that should be doing it for him. Asshole. My 4yo clears her own place at the table. OP, your husband is a dick.

[Anonymous]

I never had this problem, He loved to come home to a clean house and gourmet meals. Bills were paid, taxes done, kids and dog taken care of. Most of his friends wished their wives did what I did. His co-workers couldn't believe the nice lunches he had every day. It must be his job as others have said. Hang tight I'm sure that will pass, maybe the stressful time of year at his employment.

[Anonymous]

Your Dh needs a new job. Sounds like he is really unhappy at his job and is taking it out you. Maybe he feels trapped. I would suggest you both go to marriage counseling though so you can work on your differences.