Family who refuse to stay in hotel - help me understand!

[Anonymous]

My ILs would do this. They are too cheap to pay for most things like accommodations and don't understand why my family of five (two teens and a preteen) don't want to visit them for extended stays at their condo.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my ILs also spend on flashy cars, brand new clothes all the time, but that's where they are spending their money, and they don't budget for hotels when they can stay with family. They are presenting a wealthy front but they are not wealthy.

[Anonymous]

But OP offered to pay for the hotel!!

OP, I completely sympathize. I didn't realize my ILs had identical twins, down to the refusing to rent a car when they visit despite the fact that our car cannot fit any other adults with the 2 car seats in the back. So we are entirely stuck only going places we can walk when they visit.

By chance do yours also hand you a shopping list and expect you to go buy all the things they prefer to have on hand to eat/drink/bathe with rather than eating what you have planned or using the soap and shampoo/conditioner you provided?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But OP offered to pay for the hotel!!

OP, I completely sympathize. I didn't realize my ILs had identical twins, down to the refusing to rent a car when they visit despite the fact that our car cannot fit any other adults with the 2 car seats in the back. So we are entirely stuck only going places we can walk when they visit.

By chance do yours also hand you a shopping list and expect you to go buy all the things they prefer to have on hand to eat/drink/bathe with rather than eating what you have planned or using the soap and shampoo/conditioner you provided?

Try Uber XL, unless you are equally frugal

[Anonymous]

Tell them no, but understand they might choose not to visit. Also understand that you can tell them they can't stay with you but you can't dictate where else they can stay. If they choose to stay with other people, get over it and enjoy the visit.

[Anonymous]

If it's REALLY what they want, let them come. Put them in sleeping bags next to the toddler bed. Put out every piece of baby equipment so there is no room to move. Add a piece of glass to the top of the Exersaucer to double as your coffee table. Relocate the diaper pail as an end table right next to their couch spot. Smile sweetly and say "I mentioned things were tight with two kids but we'll make it work!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

We all understand this, PP. But have you been in a situation where you're sleeping on a lumpy couch, sharing one toilet with 6 other people and tripping everybody up with your suitcases because there isn't room?
There comes a point when sleeping in the same house is not feasible anymore.

You def don't have an infant and a toddler in a small apartment. This sounds like you going to visit friends just out of college or what you and your childless siblings do when you go back "home" for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread to me. My husband and I are footing our daughter's college life at more than $60,000 a year. She wanted an apartment so we stipulated that if we visited we get to crash on her sofa. She agreed but the one and only time we visited she suggested we stay in a hotel. I'm thinking of saying the same to her if she ever comes back. My DH and I just think it's fun to share her life for a little bit. We aren't trying to intrude. We don't need to be comfortable. We need to be with her for a period of time that feels like we are still family. Maybe this isn't about money but acceptance? OP, would you be insulted if they asked you to stay in a hotel when you visit? Do your parents stay in a hotel? If they do then mention this in a positive manner and maybe he IL's will rethink their place.

[Anonymous]

I would simply tell my husband that someone was staying in a hotel for the visit and it can be me or it can be them. His choice. And then I would leave him to deal with toddler, baby, and parents while enjoying a few undisturbed nights' sleep. And for those of you exclaiming you would never do that to their kids, I would be doing it for my kids. It would only happen one time and for one visit. Once your husband is dramatically inconvenienced, trust me, he will sack up and deal with his parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's your husband's job -- NOT yours -- to deal with them.

He needs to talk with them and be polite but firm with a big smile: "I get that it's nice to see each other first thing in the morning and so on, but our place is truly full with two young kids now. We will pay for a hotel so you can be close. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be woken up by young kids who can't sleep or have us stumbling through the living room at all hours, because that's where you'd have to sleep. Being 30 miles away really doesn't help the situation. Now, mom, dad, is there some issue with hotels in general? If you are concerned about safety in a hotel, we will go check it out in person, but we need you to trust us that we will not put you someplace that isn't safe, clean and a treat to be in."

OP, I'm having computer issues and can't see your first posting so I'm not sure if it was your in-laws who stayed 30 miles away at someone's home and then insisted they needed one of your cars. If so: Do not lend them a car. Period. Tell them that with two young kids and two adults you need your cars, yes, cars, plural. Lending a car would only enable the silly behavior of staying 30 miles away.

Is it possible that one or both of them have actually had some bad experiences with hotels in their lives so they are either scared of hotels or believe hotels will be dirty? Husband needs to just ask them that, point blank. He should also tell them that their reluctance to stay in a hotel makes him wonder if they are somehow worried your family can't afford it when you truly can.

I suspect that they just don't want to do it and have expectations that family must stay with family, but if your husband brings up the "Are you worried we don't have the money?" issue and the "Did you have an awful experience we need to know about?" question -- that may frankly embarrass them into doing what is clearly the only real solution: Staying in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they just want to use their time actually visiting vs. sitting alone in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they just want to use their time actually visiting vs. sitting alone in a hotel.

Such hyperbole. You'd think they be sitting in the hotel alone for 10 hours a day? The hotel just provides them with more space to sleep, shower, and store their stuff. They could still spend the entire day at OP's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread to me. My husband and I are footing our daughter's college life at more than $60,000 a year. She wanted an apartment so we stipulated that if we visited we get to crash on her sofa. She agreed but the one and only time we visited she suggested we stay in a hotel. I'm thinking of saying the same to her if she ever comes back. My DH and I just think it's fun to share her life for a little bit. We aren't trying to intrude. We don't need to be comfortable. We need to be with her for a period of time that feels like we are still family. Maybe this isn't about money but acceptance? OP, would you be insulted if they asked you to stay in a hotel when you visit? Do your parents stay in a hotel? If they do then mention this in a positive manner and maybe he IL's will rethink their place.

PP, I think your situation is different than what the OP is experiencing - you are paying your daughter's expenses and made staying in the apartment you are paying for a condition up front. That's different than expecting adult children who are completely financially independent to host, even when there isn't room to host.

[Anonymous]

"You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."

What they do at that point has nothing to do with you.

I wouldn't bother trying to understand it. Maybe they enjoy being "hosted."

[Anonymous]

I was born and raised in the US, but my mother is from Asia. If she came to visit me, I would make room for her even if it was a studio apartment and I had a baby. She would never decline because it would seem as if I didn't have enough for her. I also second what a pp said about there being something to getting ready together in the morning and staying up late with each other in the evening. I would feel strange if someone came to visit me and didn't stay at my house.