Family who refuse to stay in hotel - help me understand!

[Anonymous]

I second Airbnb so it feels more home-like. You can probably find something a few blocks away if your in the city. Then you say: "My parents stayed at [hotel/airbnb] last time they were here and they loved it!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

+1

No one is disputing that there is a different vibe to hotel vs. home. What you people seem unable to grasp is that there IS ALSO a different vibe between "at home with ample space" and "at home in extremely cramped quarters." Four adults, a toddler and a baby in an urban two bedroom with den is not a recipe for a Norman Rockwell painting of family togetherness.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they stay, they help. Ask for help often and freely. Make no Herculean effort to host. Just the basics: make up the pull-out couch and provide towels. Tell them to help themselves in the kitchen for breakfast and lunch; discuss plans with them for dinner. If dinner is cooked at home, they help, even if it's just holding the baby.

If they want to experience family life with a toddler and baby in cramped quarters, fine. Let them experience. That means they are there to help, not to be "hosted."

+1

[Anonymous]

I had the same problem when my kids were small, OP --- but with my OWN parents! It drove DH and I crazy but we made the decision together and stuck together on it. I dealt with it since it was my parents (not fair to make your spouse deals with your difficult parents). My dad was the problem. He just believes that staying in an hotel isn't visiting family and no matter how much we explained and talked it through with him (my mom tried many times too) he refused to stay in a hotel. My parents are very well off (millions) it was totally not about money. I know his feelings were hurt and I tried so hard to soothe him but, he decided to make it about feelings instead of comfort/convenience/space and he refused to budge. The end result is my mom would come by herself. And, the kicker in my situation, when she came by herself she would stay with us because 1.) one person was much easier to accommodate, 2.) she is an easy and helpful guest, unlike my dad, and 3) no one wanted her staying all alone in a hotel. But it just equaled a bad situation.

End result, my dad looked like an ass to everyone but himself and he lost out not getting to see his grandkids and me very often (and he does still love me and I love him). We now have a house that has a guest bedroom but they don't come because he has gotten too old and physically fragile to visit.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws (both from NY) are the "let's all stay together" camp. In the beginning I'd try to reflect this by saying, "Oh, it's really crowded, you won't be comfortable," to which they'd reply, "It's fine, don't worry about us!" They love having family visit them and sleeping on every available couch. It's taken 20-plus years but finally we have been able to tell them how we personally need our space and prefer to stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

I hope in-home insistent guests are learning a lot from this thread. It's one thing if there is enough space. But if there isn't enough space, THERE ISN'T ENOUGH SPACE, and you need to do a hotel, AirBNB, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the same problem when my kids were small, OP --- but with my OWN parents! It drove DH and I crazy but we made the decision together and stuck together on it. I dealt with it since it was my parents (not fair to make your spouse deals with your difficult parents). My dad was the problem. He just believes that staying in an hotel isn't visiting family and no matter how much we explained and talked it through with him (my mom tried many times too) he refused to stay in a hotel. My parents are very well off (millions) it was totally not about money. I know his feelings were hurt and I tried so hard to soothe him but, he decided to make it about feelings instead of comfort/convenience/space and he refused to budge. The end result is my mom would come by herself. And, the kicker in my situation, when she came by herself she would stay with us because 1.) one person was much easier to accommodate, 2.) she is an easy and helpful guest, unlike my dad, and 3) no one wanted her staying all alone in a hotel. But it just equaled a bad situation.

End result, my dad looked like an ass to everyone but himself and he lost out not getting to see his grandkids and me very often (and he does still love me and I love him). We now have a house that has a guest bedroom but they don't come because he has gotten too old and physically fragile to visit.[/quote]

How sad. Do you wish now that you had backed down?

Having tons of people in my house would make me crazy but this post should give us some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the same problem when my kids were small, OP --- but with my OWN parents! It drove DH and I crazy but we made the decision together and stuck together on it. I dealt with it since it was my parents (not fair to make your spouse deals with your difficult parents). My dad was the problem. He just believes that staying in an hotel isn't visiting family and no matter how much we explained and talked it through with him (my mom tried many times too) he refused to stay in a hotel. My parents are very well off (millions) it was totally not about money. I know his feelings were hurt and I tried so hard to soothe him but, he decided to make it about feelings instead of comfort/convenience/space and he refused to budge. The end result is my mom would come by herself. And, the kicker in my situation, when she came by herself she would stay with us because 1.) one person was much easier to accommodate, 2.) she is an easy and helpful guest, unlike my dad, and 3) no one wanted her staying all alone in a hotel. But it just equaled a bad situation.

End result, my dad looked like an ass to everyone but himself and he lost out not getting to see his grandkids and me very often (and he does still love me and I love him). We now have a house that has a guest bedroom but they don't come because he has gotten too old and physically fragile to visit.[/quote]

How sad. Do you wish now that you had backed down?

Having tons of people in my house would make me crazy but this post should give us some perspective.

Good God no!! Having my dad stay with us when it would have caused mounds of stress and discomfort would have led to much worse such as unbearable tension in my marriage, anger and frustration with my father (and vise versa), bad memories for my kids, etc... We would be in a much worse place all around.

[Anonymous]

I'd leave the kids, DH and in laws and go to the hotel by myself!

[Anonymous]

The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. My family (both sides) are the exact opposite. It is considered offensive to get a hotel. Everyone is expected to cram into the house, kids on the floor (sometimes 8 of them), etc. I look around my house and realize we have all these extra beds and pull out couches and service for 24! In a million years, I wouldn't expect my mom or in-laws to stay in a hotel, and if we tried to get a hotel when visiting them, I'm pretty sure we'd be disowned.

So you need to figure out if that is the kind of family DH comes from, and if so, just know you are bucking tradition and hurting feelings, so you need to approach it that way. Not that you have to let them stay there, but that you need to know that what you are asking may seem very rude and impersonal to them and so should be handled sensitively. Your DH should have a sense of his now family in this regard. Ask him where they stayed when visiting family when he was younger.

Hotels are offensive?

You're crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

+1. This left a pit in my stomach. All I could think of as a father is how utterly sad I will be if my kids were to behave like this. No doubt, he was heartbroken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. My family (both sides) are the exact opposite. It is considered offensive to get a hotel. Everyone is expected to cram into the house, kids on the floor (sometimes 8 of them), etc. I look around my house and realize we have all these extra beds and pull out couches and service for 24! In a million years, I wouldn't expect my mom or in-laws to stay in a hotel, and if we tried to get a hotel when visiting them, I'm pretty sure we'd be disowned.

So you need to figure out if that is the kind of family DH comes from, and if so, just know you are bucking tradition and hurting feelings, so you need to approach it that way. Not that you have to let them stay there, but that you need to know that what you are asking may seem very rude and impersonal to them and so should be handled sensitively. Your DH should have a sense of his now family in this regard. Ask him where they stayed when visiting family when he was younger.

Hotels are offensive?

You're crazy.

Yes, to many people.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the whole thread, just the OP. All I can say is, I sympathize.

Every time the ILs visit they stay with us in our 1 bedroom apartment in DC. We used to give them the bedroom out of respect for them but now that we have a child who sleeps in a crib in the corner of our bedroom, we stay in the bedroom and they sleep on an air mattress. Yup, an air mattress. They'd rather sleep on an air mattress in our living room than get a hotel room. Not to mention that there's a reasonably priced hotel TWO blocks away from us, and our child still wakes up at least once a night so it's not like they're getting the best sleep of their lives. Indeed, I often hear the next morning about how loud DC is (we live on the first floor of our small co-op buikding).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread, just the OP. All I can say is, I sympathize.

Every time the ILs visit they stay with us in our 1 bedroom apartment in DC. We used to give them the bedroom out of respect for them but now that we have a child who sleeps in a crib in the corner of our bedroom, we stay in the bedroom and they sleep on an air mattress. Yup, an air mattress. They'd rather sleep on an air mattress in our living room than get a hotel room. Not to mention that there's a reasonably priced hotel TWO blocks away from us, and our child still wakes up at least once a night so it's not like they're getting the best sleep of their lives. Indeed, I often hear the next morning about how loud DC is (we live on the first floor of our small co-op buikding).

Forgot to add that each time they have come I have reserved a hotel room at the hotel two blocks away and offered to pay. Each time they've refused to check in.