Family who refuse to stay in hotel - help me understand!

[Anonymous]

Let them stay with you but have really loud sex. Maybe that will push them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Needing to "understand" is a waste of energy.

I swear I should get a tshirt with this on it. I am always telling people, you don't need to understand it, you need to accept it & deal with it however you want.

+1

Some families only stay in hotels. Some families prefer to squish in all together, like my ILs (this doesn't bother me). Some families stay with you when there's room and when there's not, they get a hotel because it's NBD (my family). Though the asking to borrow your car thing is truly bizarre. That suggests they're just cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

Just because there is a different vibe doesn't mean you are entitled to stay with people who don't want to host you. I stay with my brother when I visit him and it's wonderful. If he couldn't host me, I would still go visit and stay in a hotel. Even though it's a different vibe. Why? Because I love my brother and his family and I want to see them!

[Anonymous]

Can you see if there are any AirBnB type rentals in your building? That way they could be really close, walk over in the morning in their pajamas, etc., but still have somewhere (else) to sleep / store suitcases.

[Anonymous]

Well, my MIL would have to stay with us, even though we live in a 1 BR, were she to visit. She is incredibly uncomfortable traveling, especially by herself and has vision, mobility, and health issues that make it hard to impossible for her to navigate a new place by herself. She hasn't expressed any interest in visiting us yet (we visit her) but I know she'll to need to stay with us if she does. Given her situation, I would be fine with her staying with us even though it's such a small space because I understand her reasons.

My parents are fine staying in hotels way and I believe would have no problem if we told them we just didn't have room for them to stay with us. If they were insistent on staying with us, I'd probably get a bit upset with them because I know they are fully capable of staying in a hotel and refusing would just be them being ornery.

So, to make a long story short, I can be understanding of family not wanting to stay in a hotel but they better have a reason and not just do it to be obstinate.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just set in their ways, and/or incredibly frugal even if they have money. (My DH's cousin has a successful medical practice but will fly the most inconvenient routes to get the cheapest ass-backwards ticket, call for a ride from the airport instead of getting a cab, and will always without fail stay at someone's house instead of paying for a hotel.

It's too bad that they seem to feel like some precedent is set by having let them stay there before, but ultimately it's your house. You & DH need to figure out the new protocol and start talking to them about it well in advance of their next visit so they can plan on it. I guess it's out of your hands if they decide that their preferred option B is staying 30 miles away though.

[Anonymous]

OP, two things:
1) Are you're in-laws from another culture? For example, some Middle Eastern folks would much rather stay with family than in a hotel.

2) Regardless of that, you did the right thing in asking them to stay at a hotel but they chose to do things differently. I know it bothers you but accept that they're going to solve this problem their way. Respect their choice even if it doesn't make sense to you just the way you want them to respect yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, two things:
1) Are you're in-laws from another culture? For example, some Middle Eastern folks would much rather stay with family than in a hotel.

2) Regardless of that, you did the right thing in asking them to stay at a hotel but they chose to do things differently. I know it bothers you but accept that they're going to solve this problem their way. Respect their choice even if it doesn't make sense to you just the way you want them to respect yours.

NP. Normally, I'd agree, but her ILs opting to stay 30 miles away (might as well be 100 miles, in this area) and borrow a car seems passive-aggressive to me. "Well, if we can't stay in your house, we'll stay in SOMEONE"S house, no matter how inconvenient that might be for everyone involved!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

We are taking about a small condo with a toddler and a new born baby. Totally not what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Let them stay with friends and figure out the car thing on their own.

[Anonymous]

My elderly parents just hated to stay in any sort of hotel--saw them all as "dirty" and filled with criminals. Not sure why--this was even when they were fairly young. Maybe they had to stay at really crappy places when they were younger?

Sounds like staying with a family or friend is the only acceptable way for your in-laws. My parents would never give me a reason why (other than the "dirty" reason) and it never made much sense. They even became offended when DH and I stayed at a hotel near them, as they ran out of space for all of us: staying at a "dirty hotel" where lots of people stay was considered an insult to their house, somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, two things:
1) Are you're in-laws from another culture? For example, some Middle Eastern folks would much rather stay with family than in a hotel.

2) Regardless of that, you did the right thing in asking them to stay at a hotel but they chose to do things differently. I know it bothers you but accept that they're going to solve this problem their way. Respect their choice even if it doesn't make sense to you just the way you want them to respect yours.

NP. Normally, I'd agree, but her ILs opting to stay 30 miles away (might as well be 100 miles, in this area) and borrow a car seems passive-aggressive to me. "Well, if we can't stay in your house, we'll stay in SOMEONE"S house, no matter how inconvenient that might be for everyone involved!"

Pp here. Of course, it's passive aggressive. The thing here is that OP has to let them feel aggrieved and do it their way and not try to fix it for them or understand their reasoning or make them understand hers. That's how she wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They might not be as well off as you think they are. Or, they might just really be set in their ways.

My ILs would also visit for long stays and would always take SIL's car which was clearly causing her problems (SIL lives near us). SIL finally put her foot down and now IL's rent a car but still won't stay in a hotel. Instead, FIL arranges to scatter his visit among various friends and relatives who live in the area; three days at one house, then three days at the next house, etc. I think it's weird as hell but it's not my problem. We're only on the hook for 3 days at a time.

This. My ILs look very well-off on the outside (clothes, cars, house) but are not actually. They would prefer not to pay for a hotel or rental car if they could avoid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Needing to "understand" is a waste of energy.

I swear I should get a tshirt with this on it. I am always telling people, you don't need to understand it, you need to accept it & deal with it however you want.

+1

Some families only stay in hotels. Some families prefer to squish in all together, like my ILs (this doesn't bother me). Some families stay with you when there's room and when there's not, they get a hotel because it's NBD (my family). Though the asking to borrow your car thing is truly bizarre. That suggests they're just cheap.

Or they don't actually have the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Needing to "understand" is a waste of energy.

I swear I should get a tshirt with this on it. I am always telling people, you don't need to understand it, you need to accept it & deal with it however you want.

+1

Some families only stay in hotels. Some families prefer to squish in all together, like my ILs (this doesn't bother me). Some families stay with you when there's room and when there's not, they get a hotel because it's NBD (my family). Though the asking to borrow your car thing is truly bizarre. That suggests they're just cheap.

Or they don't actually have the money.

OP said they "spare no expense with buying themselves the latest in fashion, technology and cars." so yes, they do.