Family who refuse to stay in hotel - help me understand!

[Anonymous]

Geese talk about power trips on this thread. It's not like they live in a 3-4 bdrm house. They are in TINY quarters, that makes a big difference and with a child. I would have my spouse explain that he will book a hotel for them and they can all make plans to do lot's of things together.

Answering the post about how they would like it if their parents asked the same. Yes if the parents were in a similar living situation! For heaven's sake rent a car if it's going to be inconvenient for the couple. No wonder in-laws get a bad name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's REALLY what they want, let them come. Put them in sleeping bags next to the toddler bed. Put out every piece of baby equipment so there is no room to move. Add a piece of glass to the top of the Exersaucer to double as your coffee table. Relocate the diaper pail as an end table right next to their couch spot. Smile sweetly and say "I mentioned things were tight with two kids but we'll make it work!"

True, and they can get up with the baby. Actually that might be the best post on here and teach them a lesson about boundaries next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

+1
OP, your in laws want to feel close to your family and their new grandchild. Suck it up for a weekend. If they don't mind, you can chill out. I think you're being selfish.

Also, I agree that they might not be as well off as you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

+1
OP, your in laws want to feel close to your family and their new grandchild. Suck it up for a weekend. If they don't mind, you can chill out. I think you're being selfish.

Also, I agree that they might not be as well off as you think.

Their financial status is moot: OP and her husband offered to pay for hotel!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, your in laws want to feel close to your family and their new grandchild. Suck it up for a weekend. If they don't mind, you can chill out. I think you're being selfish.

From what OP said, they don't actually engage with the kids that much, but that can change. When the baby wakes up in the night, go to the ILs' room and ask them to soothe her.

Hand them a book and ask them to read to the toddler.

Had them a kid and ask them to change a diaper.

You're in or you're out. When there are little kids, there are no "guests." It's like rowing crew: NO PASSENGERS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

+1
OP, your in laws want to feel close to your family and their new grandchild. Suck it up for a weekend. If they don't mind, you can chill out. I think you're being selfish.

Also, I agree that they might not be as well off as you think.

I think it's selfish for ILs to expect to stay in a 2-bdr with two other adults and two children. Does anyone get a second of peace or privacy?

[Anonymous]

Wow. My family (both sides) are the exact opposite. It is considered offensive to get a hotel. Everyone is expected to cram into the house, kids on the floor (sometimes 8 of them), etc. I look around my house and realize we have all these extra beds and pull out couches and service for 24! In a million years, I wouldn't expect my mom or in-laws to stay in a hotel, and if we tried to get a hotel when visiting them, I'm pretty sure we'd be disowned.

So you need to figure out if that is the kind of family DH comes from, and if so, just know you are bucking tradition and hurting feelings, so you need to approach it that way. Not that you have to let them stay there, but that you need to know that what you are asking may seem very rude and impersonal to them and so should be handled sensitively. Your DH should have a sense of his now family in this regard. Ask him where they stayed when visiting family when he was younger.

[Anonymous]

this reminds me of the beach house threads we always get in the summer.

you're either a "10 people in one house with one bathroom and 2 beds is fine OMG because family!!!" or you're not.

I find spending 12-16 hours a day with family and then retiring to our respective houses/hotels etc. with enough beds and baths for everyone to be much more fulfilling. but maybe your ILs want to watch your kid sleep?

[Anonymous]

I find it weird too. My inlaws were like that as well, but now they live close enough that visits are just "day trips" that don't require an overnight.

If your ILs are willing to stay with their friends, just accept that.

[Anonymous]

Personally I believe you either want to host or you don't. I have an extra bedroom but I don't enjoy maid servicing my in-laws. They will come place their belongings all over the house, eat and drink from anywhere and not clean after themselves. I did it for one year but I won't be doing again anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly my parents and inlaws are like that. They travel extensively and do stay in hotels, but when they visit family, they expect to stay in someone's home. And if they couldn't, they just wouldn't visit. We'd rather have our family visit than not (we like them).

And because we knew that, we've made sure to get a place big enough to have a guest bedroom.

+1. Some of it is what you are used to. My dad's side of the family didn't have a lot of money growing up (large family in the south, during Jim Crow era) and they really depended heavily on each other when they moved from their hometown. They have a family is family mentality and I didn't really get it until I went to a family reunion. There would be no way on God's green earth you would suggest Grandma stays at a hotel to visit you. My husband's family grew up differently. It was a smaller family and they weren't as dependent/interdependent on each other. I think he grew up with his maternal grandparents offering to stay at a hotel when needed so it isn't a stretch that his parents offer to stay at a hotel. I fully realize this is one of those things where we are raised differently. I had relatives sleep where there was a sleeping surface (we once had my grandma and two cousins stay with us over Thansgiving and we only had 1 guest room) while my husband is like each guest has to have their own room.

The only other thing I would add is I definitely feel like if I am at a hotel, I am on a vacation. We may make plans to meet for lunch or dinner but I'm not going to hang around your house all day and only head to the hotel at night and come back for breakfast in the morning. So it will be true that I only see you for 2-3 hours in a day for that meal or that specific event (like birthday party at 1:00pm). So there is no point in me visiting, only to see you 2-3 hours a day if I'm not either truly taking a vacation and swinging by to see you or it is a special event. Maybe because I grew up with relatives not ever staying at a hotel, I would assume if you suggested a hotel it is because you only want to see me 2-3 hours or we don't have the type of relationship where you are willing to host (like a 3rd cousin once removed, I'm not going to drop everything or invite to stay over but I would be more willing to sacrifice some comfort for my mom)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'd say let them stay with you but then start asking for their help- like taking care of the baby at night, doing diaper changes, etc. After al, they are your family and should be helping you in exchange for staying with you.

[Anonymous]

If they stay, they help. Ask for help often and freely. Make no Herculean effort to host. Just the basics: make up the pull-out couch and provide towels. Tell them to help themselves in the kitchen for breakfast and lunch; discuss plans with them for dinner. If dinner is cooked at home, they help, even if it's just holding the baby.

If they want to experience family life with a toddler and baby in cramped quarters, fine. Let them experience. That means they are there to help, not to be "hosted."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

+1

No one is disputing that there is a different vibe to hotel vs. home. What you people seem unable to grasp is that there IS ALSO a different vibe between "at home with ample space" and "at home in extremely cramped quarters." Four adults, a toddler and a baby in an urban two bedroom with den is not a recipe for a Norman Rockwell painting of family togetherness.