Family who refuse to stay in hotel - help me understand!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Needing to "understand" is a waste of energy.

I swear I should get a tshirt with this on it. I am always telling people, you don't need to understand it, you need to accept it & deal with it however you want.

+1!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope in-home insistent guests are learning a lot from this thread. It's one thing if there is enough space. But if there isn't enough space, THERE ISN'T ENOUGH SPACE, and you need to do a hotel, AirBNB, etc.

Or, you travel to the relative that has enough space to host.

Unless you have a newborn. Or small kids. Or can't get time off. Retired, well off, in good health? YOU drive five hours or book that flight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they stay, they help. Ask for help often and freely. Make no Herculean effort to host. Just the basics: make up the pull-out couch and provide towels. Tell them to help themselves in the kitchen for breakfast and lunch; discuss plans with them for dinner. If dinner is cooked at home, they help, even if it's just holding the baby.

If they want to experience family life with a toddler and baby in cramped quarters, fine. Let them experience. That means they are there to help, not to be "hosted."

+1. This is exactly why my parents stay in a hotel. They don't want to do these things, and they know if that they stay, I will make them do work around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

It is his own fault! I don't feel sorry for him at all.

Sounds like the father really did behave like an ass and brought it on himself. I feel sorry for his wife that has to live with that.

Thanks, PPs. These posters who don't get it are really obnoxious and judgemental. My dad is a very difficult, stubborn, my way or the highway sort. He was not "heartbroken" not at all. He was angry because he didn't get his way, he wasn't in charge of the situation. My mom puts up with a great deal of verbal abuse and dictatorial behavior that gets worse as they get older. I love my Dad but I know exactly how he operates and I have built some very adept ways of handling him to avoid being put in bad situations by his demands. All staying together in a cramped house with no real alone space and young children was the absolute worst experience for my husband, kids, mom and myself. Yes, we did try it more than once and it invariable resulted in emotional exhaustion for everyone. He has been to our bigger house several times it's just that more recently (past 3 yrs or so) his drinking and smoking have caught up with him and his health is falling apart. I didn't give all those details because it didn't seem necessary but, after reading the rude and judgmental posts above, I figure I would spell it out. And frankly, even were he a sweet, gentle, neat and tidy non-smoker, We would not have been able to accomodate him and my mom in that house at the same time. Just not enough space, period.

You posted your "issue" on a public forum, so no complaining when you don't like some of the judgments being made here. I hope your own kids have a bigger heart than you do.

[Anonymous]

houseguests suck.
inconsiderate houseguests suck more.
inconsiderate "my way or the highway" houseguest suck @$$.

your husband needs to find a solution here. you have already offered more than enough (to pay well-off grandparents' hotel bill). meanwhile, just keep repeating "no that does not work with the situation."

did the grandparents have to host $hitloads of extended houseguests when they were young parents? maybe they are just too self-centered and myopic to IMAGINE that families handle things differently all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

It is his own fault! I don't feel sorry for him at all.

Sounds like the father really did behave like an ass and brought it on himself. I feel sorry for his wife that has to live with that.

Thanks, PPs. These posters who don't get it are really obnoxious and judgemental. My dad is a very difficult, stubborn, my way or the highway sort. He was not "heartbroken" not at all. He was angry because he didn't get his way, he wasn't in charge of the situation. My mom puts up with a great deal of verbal abuse and dictatorial behavior that gets worse as they get older. I love my Dad but I know exactly how he operates and I have built some very adept ways of handling him to avoid being put in bad situations by his demands. All staying together in a cramped house with no real alone space and young children was the absolute worst experience for my husband, kids, mom and myself. Yes, we did try it more than once and it invariable resulted in emotional exhaustion for everyone. He has been to our bigger house several times it's just that more recently (past 3 yrs or so) his drinking and smoking have caught up with him and his health is falling apart. I didn't give all those details because it didn't seem necessary but, after reading the rude and judgmental posts above, I figure I would spell it out. And frankly, even were he a sweet, gentle, neat and tidy non-smoker, We would not have been able to accomodate him and my mom in that house at the same time. Just not enough space, period.

You posted your "issue" on a public forum, so no complaining when you don't like some of the judgments being made here. I hope your own kids have a bigger heart than you do.

OP, I have a father like yours. I get it. Sorry everyone is so quick to judge you on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

It is his own fault! I don't feel sorry for him at all.

Sounds like the father really did behave like an ass and brought it on himself. I feel sorry for his wife that has to live with that.

Thanks, PPs. These posters who don't get it are really obnoxious and judgemental. My dad is a very difficult, stubborn, my way or the highway sort. He was not "heartbroken" not at all. He was angry because he didn't get his way, he wasn't in charge of the situation. My mom puts up with a great deal of verbal abuse and dictatorial behavior that gets worse as they get older. I love my Dad but I know exactly how he operates and I have built some very adept ways of handling him to avoid being put in bad situations by his demands. All staying together in a cramped house with no real alone space and young children was the absolute worst experience for my husband, kids, mom and myself. Yes, we did try it more than once and it invariable resulted in emotional exhaustion for everyone. He has been to our bigger house several times it's just that more recently (past 3 yrs or so) his drinking and smoking have caught up with him and his health is falling apart. I didn't give all those details because it didn't seem necessary but, after reading the rude and judgmental posts above, I figure I would spell it out. And frankly, even were he a sweet, gentle, neat and tidy non-smoker, We would not have been able to accomodate him and my mom in that house at the same time. Just not enough space, period.

You posted your "issue" on a public forum, so no complaining when you don't like some of the judgments being made here. I hope your own kids have a bigger heart than you do.

Abusers always have their supporters.

[Anonymous]

Our last home had one bathroom. My husband's family, which included 5 adults & 2 children crammed in with us. It took hours to get everyone through the shower in the morning so we could go somewhere. I actually drove the kids down to the community center so we could use the toilets. Damp towels were hanging all over the house. I insisted that they stay in a hotel when the next visit came around, which was "insulting". It was such turmoil and one reason we moved to a house with a guest room & 5 toilets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope in-home insistent guests are learning a lot from this thread. It's one thing if there is enough space. But if there isn't enough space, THERE ISN'T ENOUGH SPACE, and you need to do a hotel, AirBNB, etc.

Or, you travel to the relative that has enough space to host.

Unless you have a newborn. Or small kids. Or can't get time off. Retired, well off, in good health? YOU drive five hours or book that flight.

But this gets back to the concept of hosting. They are taking the time off (or not doing other things) and spending money to visit you. You aren't taking time off, packing up small kids, and spending money to visit them. Assuming you actual want to spend time with your family and they want to spend time with you (big assumptions) do you prefer the time/money inconvenience of visiting them and or the extra work and being cramped of them visiting you when you know they don't like to stay at hotels.

[Anonymous]

Retired people living in your house 2-4 weeks, eating all your food while you go to work full-time, is not "hosting."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our last home had one bathroom. My husband's family, which included 5 adults & 2 children crammed in with us. It took hours to get everyone through the shower in the morning so we could go somewhere. I actually drove the kids down to the community center so we could use the toilets. Damp towels were hanging all over the house. I insisted that they stay in a hotel when the next visit came around, which was "insulting". It was such turmoil and one reason we moved to a house with a guest room & 5 toilets.

See, that's what I don't want to do - increase my mortgage by $$$ so that someone can have a potential free crash pad. It's just too expensive around here to maintain guest rooms and toilets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread, just the OP. All I can say is, I sympathize.

Every time the ILs visit they stay with us in our 1 bedroom apartment in DC. We used to give them the bedroom out of respect for them but now that we have a child who sleeps in a crib in the corner of our bedroom, we stay in the bedroom and they sleep on an air mattress. Yup, an air mattress. They'd rather sleep on an air mattress in our living room than get a hotel room. Not to mention that there's a reasonably priced hotel TWO blocks away from us, and our child still wakes up at least once a night so it's not like they're getting the best sleep of their lives. Indeed, I often hear the next morning about how loud DC is (we live on the first floor of our small co-op buikding).

Forgot to add that each time they have come I have reserved a hotel room at the hotel two blocks away and offered to pay. Each time they've refused to check in.

That's what disgust me, that more then enough of a hint for them to respect your boundaries. What obnoxious people.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they just want to use their time actually visiting vs. sitting alone in a hotel.


Such hyperbole. You'd think they be sitting in the hotel alone for 10 hours a day? The hotel just provides them with more space to sleep, shower, and store their stuff. They could still spend the entire day at OP's house.

See? You can't have it both ways. If the house is too small for sleeping, it's certainly too small to spend an entire day at. It's a 2 bedroom with den? ILs can put their stuff in the den, sleep there and hang out with the family mornings and nights and they could all go do stuff out and about during the day. If they're at a hotel room, they'll spend mornings and nights at the hotel, then spend the "entire day" at OP's house.

I hope the folks that are too princessy to buckle up for a few days to let their parents spend a few days in close quarters are learning something about family here. It's these moments you never get back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

This is clearly the myopic view of a "guest". That fun hanging around in jammies may be fun for you but not for the host and the family whose home you are invading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

This is such manipulative bs. Her father chose to be obstinate and selfish. He is the selfish one because he wouldn't do what was helpful for his son or daughter. It was most important that things be done his way.

I get so sick of these posts that are aimed mostly at women suggesting that they should lie flatter to achieve the ultimate in door mat experience.