Family who refuse to stay in hotel - help me understand!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indeed, I often hear the next morning about how loud DC is (we live on the first floor of our small co-op buikding).

Is it possible to take this as an observation rather than a criticism? "Yup, s/he has quite the set of lungs! I'm glad to see people eventually forget how loud babies are."

Then if they push on about how it ruined their sleep, you can bring up the hotel: "You can have quiet in the hotel or crying here. Should I remind you next time?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

It is his own fault! I don't feel sorry for him at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indeed, I often hear the next morning about how loud DC is (we live on the first floor of our small co-op buikding).

Is it possible to take this as an observation rather than a criticism? "Yup, s/he has quite the set of lungs! I'm glad to see people eventually forget how loud babies are."

Then if they push on about how it ruined their sleep, you can bring up the hotel: "You can have quiet in the hotel or crying here. Should I remind you next time?"

PP here. Should've been clearer. They're complaining about how loud the city of DC is, not our child.

[Anonymous]

Consider this, OP. My parents have never stayed in our home when visiting, even when we lived in a large house with a guest room. They will come to visit and stay at a hotel, and they don't even come and hang out at our home but insist we all meet out for dinner or some other outing. We have a nice home, we're not slobs or unclean. They just are like that. It's the opposite problem from yours, but it's hurtful. At least your in laws seem interested in spending casual time with your family. It may be annoying, but it's also nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

It is his own fault! I don't feel sorry for him at all.

Sounds like the father really did behave like an ass and brought it on himself. I feel sorry for his wife that has to live with that.

[Anonymous]

I am of the hotel camp when visiting small homes. I'm married 17 years and our family of 4 used stay at IL's small 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom rambler home for visits. Every visit started with long drive, no sleep, no privacy, and then the inevitable crankiness. My [controlling] MIL would get insulted when we suggested a hotel. She is big on the "my home isn't good enough for you?" mantra. My husband would always let her get her way. After a few years of this I had enough and he finally put on his big-boy pants. When we visit we stay many hours at her house and then go back to hotel. It all works much better. Even MIL seems happier with these arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider this, OP. My parents have never stayed in our home when visiting, even when we lived in a large house with a guest room. They will come to visit and stay at a hotel, and they don't even come and hang out at our home but insist we all meet out for dinner or some other outing. We have a nice home, we're not slobs or unclean. They just are like that. It's the opposite problem from yours, but it's hurtful. At least your in laws seem interested in spending casual time with your family. It may be annoying, but it's also nice.

Except that it's not. It's not "nice." It's not nice to ignore the wishes and concerns of your put-upon hosts, who TRULY do not have enough room to accommodate you. It's not nice to force yourself on a family who is cramped and uncomfortable and thrown off their routine because of your selfish, entitled presence. Especially after they OFFER TO PAY FOR A NEARBY HOTEL.

It's not nice for OP in OP's circumstances, which have ZERO to do with you and your circumstances. So just stop.

[Anonymous]

My ILs will spring for a hotel, unless its just one of them staying, which is fine: we have a futon in our third bedroom/office. It's not really set up for two people, but we've had one set of friends give it a go, and I doubt we will repeat that experiment.

My mother, who lives an hour away, insists on staying with us whenever she can, like around the holidays. I can understand not wanting to drive at night with the drunks, but she doesn't like to give warning - she just goes back to her car and comes back with a suitcase... and she's not exactly the best house guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs will spring for a hotel, unless its just one of them staying, which is fine: we have a futon in our third bedroom/office. It's not really set up for two people, but we've had one set of friends give it a go, and I doubt we will repeat that experiment.

My mother, who lives an hour away, insists on staying with us whenever she can, like around the holidays. I can understand not wanting to drive at night with the drunks, but she doesn't like to give warning - she just goes back to her car and comes back with a suitcase... and she's not exactly the best house guest.

And you have not yet learned to clarify this with her? "Mom, so glad you're coming over for Christmas. We'll do drinks at 4, dinner at 5. Were you planning to stay overnight? If so, for how long?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs will spring for a hotel, unless its just one of them staying, which is fine: we have a futon in our third bedroom/office. It's not really set up for two people, but we've had one set of friends give it a go, and I doubt we will repeat that experiment.

My mother, who lives an hour away, insists on staying with us whenever she can, like around the holidays. I can understand not wanting to drive at night with the drunks, but she doesn't like to give warning - she just goes back to her car and comes back with a suitcase... and she's not exactly the best house guest.

And you have not yet learned to clarify this with her? "Mom, so glad you're coming over for Christmas. We'll do drinks at 4, dinner at 5. Were you planning to stay overnight? If so, for how long?"

Ha - we do! She just has a different reason every time. We told her she could stay if she didn't want to drive home, but we would like notice.

Just yesterday, she asked why the ILs don't stay with us, and we told her that they prefer a hotel, so that they can have privacy when its two of them. My MIL has told us she doesn't like to impose, especially with the rest of the family is there. I appreciate it. My mom, doesn't get it. Even if you eat at 4, she'll linger so that she can stay the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

It is his own fault! I don't feel sorry for him at all.

Sounds like the father really did behave like an ass and brought it on himself. I feel sorry for his wife that has to live with that.

Thanks, PPs. These posters who don't get it are really obnoxious and judgemental. My dad is a very difficult, stubborn, my way or the highway sort. He was not "heartbroken" not at all. He was angry because he didn't get his way, he wasn't in charge of the situation. My mom puts up with a great deal of verbal abuse and dictatorial behavior that gets worse as they get older. I love my Dad but I know exactly how he operates and I have built some very adept ways of handling him to avoid being put in bad situations by his demands. All staying together in a cramped house with no real alone space and young children was the absolute worst experience for my husband, kids, mom and myself. Yes, we did try it more than once and it invariable resulted in emotional exhaustion for everyone. He has been to our bigger house several times it's just that more recently (past 3 yrs or so) his drinking and smoking have caught up with him and his health is falling apart. I didn't give all those details because it didn't seem necessary but, after reading the rude and judgmental posts above, I figure I would spell it out. And frankly, even were he a sweet, gentle, neat and tidy non-smoker, We would not have been able to accomodate him and my mom in that house at the same time. Just not enough space, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs will spring for a hotel, unless its just one of them staying, which is fine: we have a futon in our third bedroom/office. It's not really set up for two people, but we've had one set of friends give it a go, and I doubt we will repeat that experiment.

My mother, who lives an hour away, insists on staying with us whenever she can, like around the holidays. I can understand not wanting to drive at night with the drunks, but she doesn't like to give warning - she just goes back to her car and comes back with a suitcase... and she's not exactly the best house guest.

And you have not yet learned to clarify this with her? "Mom, so glad you're coming over for Christmas. We'll do drinks at 4, dinner at 5. Were you planning to stay overnight? If so, for how long?"

Ha - we do! She just has a different reason every time. We told her she could stay if she didn't want to drive home, but we would like notice.

Just yesterday, she asked why the ILs don't stay with us, and we told her that they prefer a hotel, so that they can have privacy when its two of them. My MIL has told us she doesn't like to impose, especially with the rest of the family is there. I appreciate it. My mom, doesn't get it. Even if you eat at 4, she'll linger so that she can stay the night.

My point is, this should never be a surprise. Even if non-holiday dinner is at X time, you presumably have to let her know that somehow, so when you let her know the plans, you ask point-blank if she'll be staying over. So it shouldn't be "sprung" on you. You should know about it with at least a few days of advance notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

It is his own fault! I don't feel sorry for him at all.

Sounds like the father really did behave like an ass and brought it on himself. I feel sorry for his wife that has to live with that.

+1 Totally agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pp who thinks her father looked like the ass is seriously looking bad to me. How heartbroken her father must be to know that her mom is welcomed with open arms but he is not. All because he voiced a concern that he felt you don't treat family like outsiders.

He didn't "voice a concern," he ended up refusing to come unless they allowed him to sleep in THEIR house. Learn to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope in-home insistent guests are learning a lot from this thread. It's one thing if there is enough space. But if there isn't enough space, THERE ISN'T ENOUGH SPACE, and you need to do a hotel, AirBNB, etc.

Or, you travel to the relative that has enough space to host.