Feel Like DH Abandoned Me

[Anonymous]

I can give you the perspective of when I was hospitalized for 10 days with bacterial meningitis. Sudden out of the blue acute crisis. We had a seven year old, both of us work full time. My DH came to the hospital every day but sometimes, in fact usually, for no more than an hour before or after work. I wanted and expected that most of his time would be spent with our child stabilizing her world and making sure the household was run, bills were paid, etc. I can't imagine the two of us spending 24/7 in a hospital room and letting everything go.

Can I ask, OP -- is there another experience in your life that this experience is drawing memories from? Some other experience of "abandonment". Sometimes when I have a strong emotional reaction -- stronger than the experience really deserves -- I have to wonder whether I am reflecting something in the past I need to explore. If you have issues with abandonment, work on them.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him!!!! Personally I wouldn't have wanted DH to take time off from work or grad school because he needed to save that time off for when baby was born. An hour or so a day would have been fine.

Communicate. Your marriage is going to fail fast if you just resent DH and hold things against him without even talking to him about it

[Anonymous]

I would start from the perspective that you did not understand his choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP.

I feel like DH could have been present more if he wanted to. He works from home and has more leave than he could ever use. His boss encouraged him to take time off. He declined. He splits custody 50/50 with his kids' mom. She offered to keep them on his scheduled weekends if needed. He declined. His grad school classes are online so it's not like he had to be somewhere at a specific time. It just seems like he could have been there more if it was important to him. Rationally I know that he didn't need to be there, there was nothing he could do, etc. My experience with family in the hospital is that you stay with them as much as you can but I get that everyone doesn't operate this way.

We don't have local family and my closest friends aren't here either so I was really dependent him. I felt incredibly guilty asking him to stay longer because I recognized that life was still going on even if I was stuck in the hospital. It was just a tough situation all around. I'm not angry at him now and I wasn't then.

Eventually I asked my mom to fly here and she did. When she arrived he checked out completely, which I guess also contributes to how I feel about the whole experience now.

Me again. I wanted to clarify that I did not expect him to not prioritize his children first. I think DCUM is particularly hard on stepmoms. I completely understand that the kids were in his life before I was and I don't expect him to ignore them because I needed him.

Also the hospital is less than 15 minutes from home with free parking. The location/distance did not inhibit him from visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I appreciate what you're feeling, but I also think it's one of those situations where you have to consider your own bias to the situation, talk about it with your husband to clear the air, and move on.

Hospital hours are long hours, especially since I'm assuming you weren't acutely ill and healing, but being monitored for safety. Add in feeling worried and scared, I reckon that every hour felt like 3. It's a long time to feel lonely and you wonder how you can wait out the days.

That being said, life on the outside clips along at its usual crazy pace, and when you add in the extra work, etc. That come along with having a spouse in the hospital, the reality is time gets crunched even more. You feel like each hour is harried and only a half hour long and you wonder how you'll get it all done.

A lot of the experience is a matter of perspective.

I'm not trying to defend your husband, but you may also need to consider his side of things. Most hospitals have set visiti hours, so he was already limited to when he could come. Depending on how far the hospital is from your house, and other factors, youstill need to factor in how long it took him to get here, park, get home, etc. Those one hour visits may have taken two hours of time or more. Of course, you're there feeling like it's just an hour.. He's trying to fit in an extra two or more, into what, by your own post, sounds like a really time crunched schedule as it is.

I understand that there is nothing worse than being left alone, scared and with our own thoughts of fear, worry, and doubt. Unfortunately, every person eventually has to come to terms with the committee in their head. It sounds as though y have other fears or biases against the family he already has and where you and your new baby fit into that. You need *for yourself* to come to terms with that. Blended families are hard, and often the first step is learning not to compete.

I suspect both you and your husband did your best, under the circumstances, but unfortunately, sometimes it's impossible to meet everyone's needs all the time. That is part of the bittersweet part about life - truly, at the end of your day, the only person experiencing what you are is you.

Please have an honest, open discussion with your husband and let him know how you felt, but be open to his side too. I think he discussion needs to be had to move on, but you need to that in is case, there really are two completely different perspectives. Hear each other out, and move on. Get help for your own process on it, if need be, but I don't really see a great divide here, unless you make the choice to make it one.

In the end, I am happy everything worked out for you.

Thank you. This was really helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get where you're coming from, I really do. I think that part of the problem lies in the fact that your DH seems to be 95% of your support network. You need to work on broadening that, there will be times that your DH cannot/will not/chooses to not fulfill your emotional needs, and you'll need someone else to fill that void. The second part of the problem lies in your communication with him, you can't let something like this fester for so long, it just builds resentment.

I think you're justified in being hurt, but I think you should be more proactive in rectifying the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Your dh was working, in grad school, had to care for 2 kids all by himself while you were sick. Pls put it in perspective. 1 hr a day was probably already hard to fit in. I know because I was on bedrest at the hospital for 3 months and my dh had to shoulder so much when I was gone. See things from his perspective.

Ditto. Did you actually expect him to drop his class and ignore his kids? If so, you have unrealistic expectations. Were you on death's doorstep? If not, I wouldn't expect anymore than he already did.

OP, I have to agree with the PPs. You sound selfish. Yes, I realized that when some women get pregnant, it's all about them. Babymoon, gifts, shopping, etc.

I too was on bedrest and I appreciated DH coming to visit everyday even if it was for a short time. The situation was reversed couple of years later when DH was hospitalized for an illness. It was exhausting everyday, to leave work, drive in traffic to the hospital, find parking, visiting then going home, preparing dinner, taking care of DC. Repeat the next day. I think OP needs to grow up.

You sound callous. This thread isn't about me feeling abandoned because we didn't have a babymoon or go shopping.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you communicate to your DH that you needed him there? Did he know how you felt?

And why on earth haven't you talked to him about this? What are you afraid of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you communicate to your DH that you needed him there? Did he know how you felt?

And why on earth haven't you talked to him about this? What are you afraid of?

Agree. You should talk to him. It sounds like you're building resentment, but you're denying it by saying you aren't angry. Talk to him and work it out. Communication is everything in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

He's a great husband otherwise, right?
I would talk your feelings over with him. Find out what he was thinking from his perspective.
Men are problem solvers. It may well be that he thought he was taking care of everyone by visiting you for an hour and keeping up the routine at home all by himself.
I can totally see my DH doing this and he's a great guy.
Don't let this ruin your marriage. Talk to him calmly, tell him how it made you feel, hear his perspective.
Keep in mind: they are practical problem solvers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a great husband otherwise, right?
I would talk your feelings over with him. Find out what he was thinking from his perspective.
Men are problem solvers. It may well be that he thought he was taking care of everyone by visiting you for an hour and keeping up the routine at home all by himself.
I can totally see my DH doing this and he's a great guy.
Don't let this ruin your marriage. Talk to him calmly, tell him how it made you feel, hear his perspective.
Keep in mind: they are practical problem solvers.

^PP here: I would add, for example, when I have a bad day at work and just want to vent, he hears my woes and just offers up one solution after another. I'm not asking him to fix it, I'm asking him to let me vent-- but he's a guy. They fix things.

[Anonymous]

Calling the OP selfish is way harsh and I think the PPs doing so have their own issues that need attendance.

OP, you're not going to get past it until you can talk it out, but think of that conversation as an exchange of information. People have different ways of coping and staying busy/handling the day-to-day responsibilities is a common method. There may also be something lingering from his first marriage - something that did or didn't work that he wanted to do differently. It could be that it was very important to him to be there for his kids in the same way that he always is regardless of their mother's offer to do extra. You have to consider that he's trying to manage how they feel about a new sibling with a different mother. With an extra mouth to feed, he may be feeling the need to step it up at work in order to support ALL his kids. And it may be that he didn't want to share any of that with you to avoid stressing or worrying you more than necessary.

Whatever the case, you want to let him know that you're open to hearing about what he was dealing with and, hopefully, he'll be open to hearing about what you're dealing with. You can't change what is in the past and shouldn't expect any sort of apology or amends, but opening up about these things can help you give each other some understanding and leeway in the future. Open communication - in the moment - is key.

But please don't put him on defense by starting with "I feel like you abandoned me."

[Anonymous]

Oh the drama, OP!
He should have abandoned his kids, his work, his online study, ... you felt abandoned... really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh the drama, OP!
He should have abandoned his kids, his work, his online study, ... you felt abandoned... really?

Well he could have taken his ex up on her generous offer to watch the kids for a couple extra days, and completed his schoolwork on his laptop while hanging out at the hospital with his wife. I don't think OP would be so upset if it was just about DH taking care of the essential stuff in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP.

I feel like DH could have been present more if he wanted to. He works from home and has more leave than he could ever use. His boss encouraged him to take time off. He declined. He splits custody 50/50 with his kids' mom. She offered to keep them on his scheduled weekends if needed. He declined. His grad school classes are online so it's not like he had to be somewhere at a specific time. It just seems like he could have been there more if it was important to him. Rationally I know that he didn't need to be there, there was nothing he could do, etc. My experience with family in the hospital is that you stay with them as much as you can but I get that everyone doesn't operate this way.

We don't have local family and my closest friends aren't here either so I was really dependent him. I felt incredibly guilty asking him to stay longer because I recognized that life was still going on even if I was stuck in the hospital. It was just a tough situation all around. I'm not angry at him now and I wasn't then.

Eventually I asked my mom to fly here and she did. When she arrived he checked out completely, which I guess also contributes to how I feel about the whole experience now.

Wow, OP, expecting him to give up his weekend with his kids is insane. He only is with them 50 percent of the time, and the other fifty percent he is all yours. You sound like a selfish princess.