Feel Like DH Abandoned Me
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Anonymous
+2 Plus, if it was just bedrest, rehydration, or the like it's not really a "drop everything" scenario. You wAntes him to sit there a twiddle thumbs with you hours on end while he had wirk, kids, school, keeping up the house, him needing "me" time, etc?? Give it a rest and get iover it. There are bigger fish to fry. |
Anonymous
This. Plus surprisingly after you become a parent, you learn it's not necessarily much easier to have others babysit, you need to teach them how things are done, need to coordinate rides, get extra carseats, etc. Plus a caring responsible guy to his other kids means he'll be a good dad to the newborn too. If he had taken days off from work, those are days that he couldn't spend with you after birth. |
Anonymous
| my dad sucks at being in hospitals, he gets so anxious and is not helpful at all. he could never admit it but he can't stand the thought of losing someone he loves-but he's a great husband and dad in other ways. hubby and i have also already been through some tough times together - dealing with two miscarriages, and even though he was supportive, he couldn't mourn the way i did, and that made me feel lonely. but being married doesn't mean you are never alone, it means you have a partner and you guys often have to divide and conquer to make life easier. i'm so glad things worked out for you and the baby, and i do hope you give both yourself and dh some slack while you work through the hormones and figure out your new self as being a mom and wife. please don't hesitate to see a counselor as many of my girlfriends have needed help adjusting to post-partum / young motherhood life. |
Anonymous
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Even the title of your post is dramatic op. I thought this post would be about how Dh walked outof your life, drained the bank account, left the other car with no gas, and hasn't returned in 3 days.
That's abandonment. Visiting you in the hospital for 1hr/day while you're on bedrest and his plate is supet full is not abandonment. |
Anonymous
| Sorry OP. When I had my first born, I had a complication and in the aftermath of it, DH was not sympathetic to my need for time to destress afterwards. He argued with me about it several times, and to this day, it still is like the main resentment I have. If they can't be there in your time of need, it is kind of telling of their true feelings (or lack thereof). |
Anonymous
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Unless you were grievously ill, one hour per day does not seem unreasonable. It's not generous either, but nothing shocking.
If you clearly expressed that you wanted him to stay, and he refused, I can understand feeling abandoned. If you did not clearly express this, and expected him to read your mind, then I don't think you are being fair, and are perhaps setting him up for failure. You seem a bit needy and dramatic, to be honest. Maybe this is harsh, but you mentioned that you already have small children. Shouldn't they take priority? |
Anonymous
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And if you swallow the venom from all the PP's broken marriages, you can probably take your place in next year's DCUM Angry Spurned Woman brigade.
Just talk to your husband, OP. How you feel is how you feel. It may change with different information about each other but, at the very least,don't hang on to any resentment about this. He was a dad before your little one came along. |
Anonymous
| I was sick and in the hospital with my third pregnancy, and DH spent only an hour a day with me too. I was pissed off, but I was so sick I didn't say so to him. Baby turned out fine, but it still bothers me that he did that. He was busy, overwhelmed with taking care of the other two kids, working, managing at home with me in the hospital, so I guess it's forgivable, but it bugged me that he didn't make more of an effort to stay at the hospital with me. He said he thought I was fine, and that I didn't need him there. Still pisses me off when I think about it though. |
Anonymous
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Sigh... so many passive aggressive women out there.
If you want your husband to stay longer in the ER, TELL HIM. Don't say "OK, sure honey" when he says that he needs to go because men tend to take things you say at face value. Don't play that game of "I shouldn't have to ask because he should just know what I want" that women so often do. Don't expect people to read your mind and then resent them for not doing so. Other people don't all think and feel the same way that you do. |
Anonymous
agree |
Anonymous
+1 I'm a stepmother & am currently pregnant with my first biological child. Unless either I or the baby was in serious danger of dying, I would never expect (or want) DH to sacrifice planned time with his older kids. I think that could give them the impression that they will come second to the new baby. This would be a terrible foot on which to start off their relationship with their new sibling. |
Anonymous
You think it is OK for a man to drop everything, including his children to stay at your bedside? An hour is a lot for someone with children, FT job, and grad school. Dropping his kids would be awful. You are terribly out of touch. Your DH is the one who should be pissed for marry a woman with no values. |
Anonymous
Actually, you DID expect him not to prioritize his children first. You did expect him to ignore them. You said that the kids' mom offered to keep them on HIS scheduled weekend, but he declined. You seem like you think that was not the right thing to do -- otherwise, why raise it? At least be honest with yourself (and others). You expected him to give up time with his kids because YOU were sick, even though you were in the hospital where he could really add nothing in terms of your care except moral support, which it appears he already had been giving you for at least an hour a day. You really need to think hard about how your future family looks and discuss this explicitly with your DH. You should have done this before marriage and a baby, but it's never too late. I have seen too many step moms go into their marriage thinking that they will have 100% of the attention of husband #2 and that the kids form the previous marriage will only be there 50% of the time and will just fit in with DH #2's family however the #2 mom wishes. In reality, life doesn't go like this. Your DH can't just give the kids back to his ex-wife for the weekend because something big is going on in his life with you. My ex currently does this with his kids, and I can't tell you how painful it is to them. Each time he gives up his scheduled visitation with them, they perceive it as he doesn't value his time with them and it doesn't reflect well on the new wife, who they perceive as being behind the diminished time their dad spends with them, because, of course, he never used to drop his visitation time with them until he got involved with her. And, this is true even though my kids are in MS and HS and don't have a new sibling to contend with. If their dad were to have a new baby, I would guess that not showing up for visitation would only make their insecurities worse. I can spin it anyway I like (Dad's busy with work, Dad has an emergency, Dad has a special event, etc.) but they see it the same way YOU seem to see it -- he could have spent the time with me and he chose not to, so he really doesn't care. That is a very "zero sum" or "the pie is only so big and a bigger slice for them means a smaller slice for me" way to look at it. The only way to get out of that trap is either to understand that the size of the slice of pie you are getting is not reflective of your worth, or to grow the pie. In the sense of "growing the pie," I have to ask, why did DH have to be at the hospital? Couldn't you have combined telephone check-ins during the day with the hourly visit if you thought you needed more attention and support? If you were bored, couldn't you have asked DH to bring specific things to entertain you? Wouldn't that have reflected his care for you just as well? Also, why do you seem to view DH's presence with the kids and you as an either or choice? Did you encourage your DH to bring the kids to the hospital to visit? Did you say, "gosh DH, I miss the kids too, maybe you can bring them with you after work one evening and we can all eat dinner together and play a board game?" Or maybe the kids could have come and done an arts and crafts project with you in the hospital to while away the time on the weekend, or even watched TV or read a book to you if you were really sick. It is an unreasonable expectation that your DH should have to forgo visitation time with his children, especially when he only sees them 50% of the time. It's also an unreasonable expectation to view your husband's physical presence or lack thereof as an important measure of your worth to him. I also don't think that it's a reasonable expectation that "you stay with family as much as you can in the hospital". Are you American? That seems like a very culturally-laden expectation. I've seen it in other countries where it is necessary that family remain present to get good hospital care, but it is not my experience in the US. In fact, most hospitals have "visiting hours" and do not permit visitors at other times. And as far as bringing your mom in, that basically sent the message to your DH that you needed more than what he was doing, so of course he would "check out". I really can't imagine what you needed your mom to do that your DH was not doing? Was your mom helping you with something in the hospital that nurses or other professionals weren't? |
Anonymous
Thank you stepmom for thinking about original family kids! Thanks also for seeing how this impacts YOUR child! You are wise to want your child and his previous children to develop a good non-competitive relationships! |
Anonymous
| Did you ask him, at the time to do anything differently? To spend more time with you at the hospital? |