Feel Like DH Abandoned Me
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Anonymous
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I am a male; I have spent way to much time in hospitals lately. My experience is that the universe does not revolve around me. Things go on. Kids need to be fed. Dogs walked, etc. Also, when I am in the hospital, I personally am feeling horrible, and often don't notice the alone-ness.
The bottom line, though, is the kids their father -- physically, at the hospital, there is nothing he can do. He can supply emotional support, which seems like what you were looking for. |
Anonymous
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dear op-
Sorry people are piling on. you are entitled to your feelings. let's get that straight. Sometimes even mothers forget how scary the first childbirth experience can be, and let's face it, a guy will never understand. it sounds like you were very scared and felt that you had to face all those fears and uncertainties alone. looking forward though, it sounds like you and your husband need to get on the same page. some people have recommended talking to him. I might suggest really thinking about what you thought your ideal marriage idea was before, and what you would have liked him to do in that situation. really walk yourself through how you felt and what you hoped for.... and what you would like things to be like now. then talk to him and figure out how to make it work. the reality of marrying a guy who has an ex and children is that you don't get to be his princess the way you might have wanted to... he has existing obligations. |
Anonymous
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I think an hour a day is fine given his obligations to his two children (your stepchildren), grad school, and work. What was he supposed to do there in the hospital all day? Hold your hand? Entertain you?
My ex-husband emotionally abused me and physically neglected me while I was on doctor ordered bedrest during my third pregnancy which followed a miscarriage. He would not so much as bring home groceries for me and DC on e he learned I was not allowed to cook his meals. From my perspective, your DH is a gem. |
Anonymous
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I had to go to my amnio with my best friend. My husband is a doctor and choose his patients over me.
He visited you. Everything turned out well. Count your blessings. |
Anonymous
| Did you hope, on some level, he'd abandon his old family in order to focus entirely on his new one? |
Anonymous
It happens enough that it would not be unreasonable for her to hope, right? |
Anonymous
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I thought I was the only one who had this experience. I only stayed overnight at the hospital, (also at 30 weeks pregnant) but was floored when my DH left me in the ER and told me to call him in the morning. He said he was tired and hungry.
A few years later, I brought it up and he absolutely did not remember it that way. I'm still not sure what he thinks happened because he remembered me being at the hospital but was offended to the point of yelling - for days - when I said that he abandoned me. It's like he blacked out on the whole scary experience. The only way I've been able to get past it is to believe that stress and fear of loss put him in some sort of auto mode. He was in an extremely high pressure job at the time, the economy wasn't good (this was 2009) and he was afraid of losing our household's sole income with a baby on the way. I think he just shut down his emotions and went after problems he could do something about. There was nothing he could do for me at the hospital and the anxiety was too much. Whatever his issue, he was not able to articulate it and got extremely angry when I asked him to. One perspective is that he's an uncaring jerk, another is that in times of stress he turns his attention to things he can manage and away from things he can't. That's the perspective I've chosen. |
Anonymous
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Frankly, your husband is better than mine. Mine would not come every day. When he would come, he would complain when he arrived about how stressful the drive was to the hospital, and how far the hospital was from our home.
I think he thinks you are in good hands, that there is nothing he can give you, that just standing around there is boring, and that he would be better off making sure the home is well run so everything will be okay when you get home. Most men don't enjoy just standing around trying to think of small talk. |
Anonymous
| I was hospitalized for 5 weeks for my first pregnancy. My husband visited me most days, usually for a couple hours, but some days because of his job/traveling or other things, he could not. It was a stressful time for everyone. I was lonely and scared and he no doubt he was doing his best. I don't think it is reasonable to expect a spouse to be there a lot if you aren't super sick. |
Anonymous
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Look, if it was also DH's first kid and he had a regular job and no grad school, I would be expecting him to take time off and be there a heck of a lot more. But he had a lot more on his plate like that.
You have FTM emotions and anxieties in a situation that doesn't let your spouse cater to them in the way that he probably would if there weren't previous kids involved. Talk with DH and/or a therapist. Welcoming your first child is hard no matter what, with health issues and blended family more so. Best wishes. |
Anonymous
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OP, I appreciate what you're feeling, but I also think it's one of those situations where you have to consider your own bias to the situation, talk about it with your husband to clear the air, and move on.
Hospital hours are long hours, especially since I'm assuming you weren't acutely ill and healing, but being monitored for safety. Add in feeling worried and scared, I reckon that every hour felt like 3. It's a long time to feel lonely and you wonder how you can wait out the days. That being said, life on the outside clips along at its usual crazy pace, and when you add in the extra work, etc. That come along with having a spouse in the hospital, the reality is time gets crunched even more. You feel like each hour is harried and only a half hour long and you wonder how you'll get it all done. A lot of the experience is a matter of perspective. I'm not trying to defend your husband, but you may also need to consider his side of things. Most hospitals have set visiti hours, so he was already limited to when he could come. Depending on how far the hospital is from your house, and other factors, youstill need to factor in how long it took him to get here, park, get home, etc. Those one hour visits may have taken two hours of time or more. Of course, you're there feeling like it's just an hour.. He's trying to fit in an extra two or more, into what, by your own post, sounds like a really time crunched schedule as it is. I understand that there is nothing worse than being left alone, scared and with our own thoughts of fear, worry, and doubt. Unfortunately, every person eventually has to come to terms with the committee in their head. It sounds as though y have other fears or biases against the family he already has and where you and your new baby fit into that. You need *for yourself* to come to terms with that. Blended families are hard, and often the first step is learning not to compete. I suspect both you and your husband did your best, under the circumstances, but unfortunately, sometimes it's impossible to meet everyone's needs all the time. That is part of the bittersweet part about life - truly, at the end of your day, the only person experiencing what you are is you. Please have an honest, open discussion with your husband and let him know how you felt, but be open to his side too. I think he discussion needs to be had to move on, but you need to that in is case, there really are two completely different perspectives. Hear each other out, and move on. Get help for your own process on it, if need be, but I don't really see a great divide here, unless you make the choice to make it one. In the end, I am happy everything worked out for you. |
Anonymous
OP, I have to agree with the PPs. You sound selfish. Yes, I realized that when some women get pregnant, it's all about them. Babymoon, gifts, shopping, etc. I too was on bedrest and I appreciated DH coming to visit everyday even if it was for a short time. The situation was reversed couple of years later when DH was hospitalized for an illness. It was exhausting everyday, to leave work, drive in traffic to the hospital, find parking, visiting then going home, preparing dinner, taking care of DC. Repeat the next day. I think OP needs to grow up. |
Anonymous
You won't know for sure unless you get his perspective. All I can just tell you when my husband was hospitalized while we were on vacation I had never been so scared in my life. The thought that I could lose him was unthinkable. Even though I had lots of friends, I felt alone. We were fortunate that my in-laws were back home and could continue to watch the kids so that was one less worry. I had to take on the logistics of where to stay, how to get around, and when we would get home on the fly. I also thought the hospital did a piss poor job of explaining what to expect and what was going on so I felt like I had to be DH's advocate to figure out what the heck was going on. On top of that we had insurance issues where no one at the hospital could tell us anything but someone did come by to say we owed $9000 and would we be paying that by credit card  Through all of that I didn't feel like I had someone to support me. Not in a listen to me vent way, but could actually be like hand me the phone, the insurance department is giving you BS, I've been thru this before and this is how you handle it, or do t worry about X logistic I can do it, or medical stories like my cousin had the same thing and it is typical to run these tests and it's good that they have ruled these things out. I of course couldn't share the burden with FH because he was the patient that needed to focus on his health.
In the end everything was okay but I can completely see how the "team" marriage concept can be difficult when one person is sick. How you think you are helping the person may not be the help they want. The person that is sick is facing his/her own mortality and can feel scared and how do they process that, by sharing with spouse, parents, counselor, best friend no one? Partner is likely also feeling the same. There is that balance between being honest but not being a burden. There are also real life logistical tradeoffs they even though you as a patient may want your partner by your side, is it worth him/her losing their job if it is that type of company? Is it worth using most of sick/vacation and that not having any when you come home from the hospital? Do you want to be home from the hospital doing it all yourself? In OP's case it is her step kids but if it was her kids at home, would she have felt comfortable having neighbors watch them? I know when my kids were young I didn't really deal comfortable with anyone other than our parents watching them for any length of time. I would probably send my husband home to be with the kids unless I knew I really, really, needed him there to be my advocate at the hospital or some critical discussion was going to happen with the medical team. If I'm just watching Days of Our lives on TV, then no, rather him be with the kids. |
Anonymous
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I'm the OP.
I feel like DH could have been present more if he wanted to. He works from home and has more leave than he could ever use. His boss encouraged him to take time off. He declined. He splits custody 50/50 with his kids' mom. She offered to keep them on his scheduled weekends if needed. He declined. His grad school classes are online so it's not like he had to be somewhere at a specific time. It just seems like he could have been there more if it was important to him. Rationally I know that he didn't need to be there, there was nothing he could do, etc. My experience with family in the hospital is that you stay with them as much as you can but I get that everyone doesn't operate this way. We don't have local family and my closest friends aren't here either so I was really dependent him. I felt incredibly guilty asking him to stay longer because I recognized that life was still going on even if I was stuck in the hospital. It was just a tough situation all around. I'm not angry at him now and I wasn't then. Eventually I asked my mom to fly here and she did. When she arrived he checked out completely, which I guess also contributes to how I feel about the whole experience now. |
Anonymous
| I was in a similar situation and felt the same way. My feelings were exacerbated by the fact that my spouse had never been good about supporting me when I was sick or stressed. The whole Love Languages thing is cheesy, but also makes sense as a way to frame the issue with your DH. Not, "you didn't put me first when I was sick and scared, so you're a jerk" but "this is something that may not matter a lot to you, but is very important to me. When you do [examples] I feel loved, when you do [examples] I feel abandoned." I am pretty low-maintenance in relationships-I don't care about presents, I don't need compliments, but when I'm on hospital bedrest, scared out of my mind, I need my partner to show up, act sympathetic, and bring gingerale. |