Feel Like DH Abandoned Me

[Anonymous]

I need help getting over/moving past this event from a few months ago.

Long story short: I was hospitalized a few months ago at 30 weeks pregnant. It was my first pregnancy and I was terrified. Everything eventually turned out fine and I had a healthy baby born at full term. Prior to this, I always felt like DH would take care of me and support me in the event of any sort of medical crisis but I felt abandoned during my hospital stay. DH would visit for no more than an hour day and I just felt so incredibly alone. I know DH had a lot going on at the time with work, grad school, and being a dad to his two kids but I feel like if the situation were reversed I would have dropped everything to be at his side. (And regarding the kids, several friends and the kids' mom offered to babysit if needed. He just didn't take them up on the offer.)

So that all happened months ago and I still dwell on it almost daily. Our anniversary is coming up and I don't feel like celebrating at all. I feel like my marriage isn't what I thought it was. I'd really like to put the whole thing behind me but I don't know how. I haven't discussed this with DH but I know he can tell something is off.

[Anonymous]

You just had a baby, right? You could be emotional due to hormones. Having a newborn is very hard, so I'd try to let it go for now and focus on your baby and try not to be angry with your husband during this time. Sounds like you both have a lot going on. Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

I ended up with a DH, too, who wasn't who I thought he was. There will be a huge let down in every situation. This sounds like your first kid and a new marriage. In a couple of years, you may understand. This overwhelming feeling having a kid never goes away.

It is hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. I would ask him for a detailed explanation from his perspective why he wasn't there. What was he feeling and what was going on in his life? Just to try to help yourself let go.

I have found for myself that through some fights, DH jas told me what his thought process was. So now I can even better walk myself through why he wasn't being a jerk on purpose.

[Anonymous]

An hour visit a day seems reasonable to me Op given what was going on? You said everything ended up well: do you think your level of stress/worries was higher than his ? Could this be linked to how the doctors' portrayed the situation ? Ie: you were seriously worried about losing the baby and he thought that as long as you were properly monitored the risk was close to zero?

I would say this:
- talk about it, don't let it fester, but also LISTEN, understand his perspective, if he didn't see you as in real danger but just super bored at the hospital coming to see you an hour every day may already have been a "sacrifice" for him. Maybe he was overwhelmed and saw you as resting all day...
- you just delivered, as others have said hormones are playing a number on you. Your feelings of loneliness and abandonment could be linked to that.
- your thought your DH was caring: he cares about his 2 kids too. As you will see with yours, leaving them with other people is not necessarily easy plus making them feel the "burden/ consequences" of his "new wife and new baby" could be a challenge for him too..
- it is a very common complain among some of my GF who married very caring men and, were used to get a lot of attention, to be very disappointed after the baby arrives. The reason ring that their DH cares about kids too and they lose the prime spot. Plus the demands of young children are so high that DH simply has nothing left for DW (reverse is true but they don't realize it..).

[Anonymous]

Yeah that wouldn't fly with me either. In the world i come from, nobody is in the hospital alone, ever, unless the visitor is kicked out. You should talk to him. You're not going to solve this in your own head. But! Since you haven't talked about it with him, I can't help but wonder if you told him what you wanted while you were IN the hospital?

[Anonymous]

I think this would be bad if he didn't have kids but he does. He probably know he'd be spending less time with them once the baby was here and figured it made more sense to not short change them yet

[Anonymous]

Maybe he was afraid and by sticking to routines he was establishing a "normal" for himself. No he wasn't tending to you as much as you'd like, but it could be that it was his coping mechanism with what was going on.

Having babies is sometimes frightening. Its important not to put that fear and sometimes anger onto our partners.

Have you talked to him about this, in a gentle way? It might be worth finding out what he was going through at the time, too.

[Anonymous]

Did you ask him to stay longer and he said no? If he said no, what was his reasoning? Did he know it was important to you?

If you didn't have explicit conversations with him at the time, don't hold it against him. He can't read your mind. I'd think an hour was perfectly reasonable and would want my husband to keep working and keep the household going. So I can see how he'd feel the same. But if you told him explicitly you wanted him there longer, then you do need to work out with him why your needs don't matter too.

[Anonymous]

OP, may I gently ask why you haven't shared your feelings with him in all these months, especially something that's upsetting you so badly? This makes me wonder if there are communication issues between the two of you. Did he know how important it was to you that he be there, and that you were terrified? Or did you keep silent, thinking it was something he should just know automatically, based upon your own value system and how you would behave if the tables were turned?

I ask you these things even though I totally understand how you feel, and my immediate reaction was disgust at your DH.
And your feelings of disappointment are very valid. But at the same time, it will be important to hear his perspective so that you better understand it, for better or for worse. Did he truly not grasp what you needed from him? Is this how he deals with stress and worry (distancing himself, etc)? Did he not come from a family that would automatically drop everything? Was he feeling overwhelmed?

Whatever he says to explain himself may still be unacceptable to you, and may be a pill you simply cannot swallow, but it may help to just get his feelings out, know that he hears you and even if it's not his natural instinct, he will know to do better in the future because it's important to you. With a new baby, step-kids, etc. it's so important that you are able to communicate with each other.

But I'm so sorry he wasn't there for you, OP. And I understand your deep disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Op. Your dh was working, in grad school, had to care for 2 kids all by himself while you were sick. Pls put it in perspective. 1 hr a day was probably already hard to fit in. I know because I was on bedrest at the hospital for 3 months and my dh had to shoulder so much when I was gone. See things from his perspective.

[Anonymous]

May I inquire how long you were hospitalized, for what exactly, and was it your first hospitalization? Whatever the answer to these questions you are certainly entitled to your feelings but some perspective helps here.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to sum up your experience (to yourself) a little differently? You are starting from the framework that your husband abandoned you. Is it possible to look back at this experience and say instead something like "He was at the hospital every day and while sometimes I felt lonely and anxious, the two of us got through. And now I'm a mom and I know based on this crisis how strong I am."

Congratulations OP

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he's a great dad, if he was prioritizing his kids while also seeing you and maintaining his other responsibilities. As a mom, you should also feel like the kids come first. I assume these are not your kids, but imagine a scenario where you are divorced, he is with someone else, and he abandons his/your kids to sit in a hospital all day with the new pregnant wife. You'd be upset that he had abandoned your kids! Let this go. He did the best he could in a troubled time and it all ended well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Your dh was working, in grad school, had to care for 2 kids all by himself while you were sick. Pls put it in perspective. 1 hr a day was probably already hard to fit in. I know because I was on bedrest at the hospital for 3 months and my dh had to shoulder so much when I was gone. See things from his perspective.

Ditto. Did you actually expect him to drop his class and ignore his kids? If so, you have unrealistic expectations. Were you on death's doorstep? If not, I wouldn't expect anymore than he already did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Your dh was working, in grad school, had to care for 2 kids all by himself while you were sick. Pls put it in perspective. 1 hr a day was probably already hard to fit in. I know because I was on bedrest at the hospital for 3 months and my dh had to shoulder so much when I was gone. See things from his perspective.

+1. OP, you're really out of line here.