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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I really feel for all you men. I'm a DW in the same situation. I like the approach the PP had who basically said it's going to happen once a week, we'll make it fun, etc. Unless there is a serious health issue, sex one a week should be happening in a healthy marriage.

The crying thing is not ok. It seems very manipulative...either she's way too sensitive or she's in fact manipulating you from bringing this up again. This is a valid issue you have a right to discuss in an adult manner.[/quote]

The crying isn't any conscious effort to manipulate me, I don't think. I think she just feels bad because she wants to be a good wife, but me saying I'm unhappy with our sex life makes her feel like a bad wife. I'd just like to have her make sex a priority without making her feel bad about it. [/quote]

I don't think that she's trying to manipulate you either (NP here). I wasn't going to post on this thread because I didn't think that I had anything constructive to say.

Sex was an issue in our first marriage. I sympathize with your wife, because much like you can't really control your desire to have more sex, she can't really control her desire to have less sex. Obviously there are things that both sides can do to mitigate their own desires, but at the end of the day, it really sucks to feel like you're failing at something important to you (marriage) because of something that you can't change (low desire). It colors everything, whether you want it to or not. My ex and I made an agreement to have sex once a week, but in the back of my mind, I was always wondering whether the sex was good enough for him. Like, was it enough for me to make it a priority and have it happen, or did he really want me to act like a 22-year-old sex kitten again? It made things awkward, and we were both frustrated.

I know that you don't want your wife to feel bad, but she is going to feel bad. Just like you feel bad for pressuring her (even nicely) to do something that she does not appear to want to do. The only thing that you can really do to mitigate any of those bad feelings is to talk about them - acknowledge that they are there, that things are awkward, that you are frustrated (at least partially with yourself because you don't want her to be sad), that you love being married to her and just want to work on this one thing. Whatever it takes to communicate that what you really want is intimacy with her. I often felt like my ex didn't really care who he was having sex with, because he put such a focus on it having to happen at a certain frequency. It didn't seem to be about building intimacy between us (sexually and otherwise). Even the orgasms he gave me seemed like things he was doing just to make sure that it "wasn't just one sided."[/quote]

I like a lot of what PP said! My DH and I went through something very similar. I was much lower drive and didn't make sex a priority in our marriage. Full time job, kids, etc...DH got tired of initiating sex all the time and felt resentful/not desired, etc... We were having sex 3-4 x a month which we both enjoyed but he said I lacked passion, like I was checking it off my list of chores to do. He would talk to me about in bed (bad idea) and I would cry because I love our marriage and wanted us to be happy. I liked sex but just didn't think about it. Thyroid hormone was ok, testosterone normal, got off my OCPs and started on an antidepressant (wellbutrin)

I think what really hit me was when he said that he was so unhappy that something was going to have to change or he would ask for a divorce or have an affair. (He did have an emotional affair with a coworker).  I started thinking about our marriage and taking responsibility for some of his unhappiness. I started reading erotica, realizing that I enjoyed sex and the way we bonded.

I agree that conversations should be had outside the bedroom, in a non threatening, non accusatory manner. Get to to bottom of why she doesn't want to have sex. I agree the more often the sex (assuming it is mutually enjoyable ), the better the bonding and the more often it will come.

We are in counseling and working through other issues in our marriage. I would highly recommend it our at least a commitment to talk honestly and openly about everything.

Good luck[/quote]

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