Dad chose stepmom over me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The whole storm started when I made him choose many years ago, when I was younger. [I wanted to give some helpful information without giving a "play by play", so to speak. (I also do not care to give too much identifying information, for my own reasons).]

That particular instance led to a huge falling out, of course. It essentially set the stage for what would be my exclusion from most family gatherings. Now, I have grown children, and we must create our own memories (I get it) - just wondering how people in my situation have handled the rejection and what goes with it.

Stepmom and I do not respect each other, so "pretending" everything is fine is not an option.

You are aware you can change this whenever you want, right? Just let it go. You can apologize for your younger self and invite them over for dinner so you can start again. I'm not sure why you can't pretend to like the stepmother. Find something in common, focus on the parts that are good about her, ignore the parts you don't like. Figure out what your dad loves about her and love that too.

Honestly, I think you are being proud and stubborn, and it's costing you your dad.

This exactly. My stepmother actually gave the "choose" ultimatum to my dad, and he chose her. I wasn't in his life for a good portion of my childhood because of that choice. It sucked, but I'm grown and have kids of my own now. I apologized for anything I might have done as a kid, he apologized for how he dealt with the situation, and then she finally apologized herself after some time passed. That apology came after I put a hell of a lot of effort into getting along just for the sake of it, even though I was pretty peeved under it all - that is what family does.

What? Continue to be dysfunctional? People do not have any need to apologize for behavior when they were CHILDREN, and your father and his wife sound selfish as hell.

OP never said she was a child when she first made him choose. She said it was many years ago when she was younger, but since she said in the same post she has grown children, many years ago and younger could easily be when the was an adult, and perhaps already a parent herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, why do you wish to make this a competition?

+1
OP, if you were in same situation, wouldn't you want your DH to choose you first? It's no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not only did Dad choose Stepmom (and their new child) over me, but when they divorced after 10 years, he started choosing girlfriends over me.

He lived out of state and I was in town with my new son, his only grandchild. I asked him to meet me at a relative's house where I was staying. He told me his new girlfriend (who I had never met) wouldn't like him going to his ex-wife's relative's house, so he wouldn't come see me or his grandson. I didn't speak to him for months afterward, but finally accepted his apology and we moved on.

Men think with their dicks and will always choose the person they're sleeping with over children, or really any relative.

+1 Men make the decision that will give them the least amount of grief in the short term. Does he want tot deal with the fallout from his girlfriend/new wife? No? Then he's going to go along with her. Period.

Men are pathetic this way, TBH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did Dad choose Stepmom (and their new child) over me, but when they divorced after 10 years, he started choosing girlfriends over me.

He lived out of state and I was in town with my new son, his only grandchild. I asked him to meet me at a relative's house where I was staying. He told me his new girlfriend (who I had never met) wouldn't like him going to his ex-wife's relative's house, so he wouldn't come see me or his grandson. I didn't speak to him for months afterward, but finally accepted his apology and we moved on.

Men think with their dicks and will always choose the person they're sleeping with over children, or really any relative.

+1 Men make the decision that will give them the least amount of grief in the short term. Does he want tot deal with the fallout from his girlfriend/new wife? No? Then he's going to go along with her. Period.

Men are pathetic this way, TBH.

Actually, most relationship counselors will tell you that you need to put your spouse before your children. Obviously not to the point where you are neglecting or abusing your children (which does not sound like the case here), but the healthiest marriages that produce the most well-adjusted children are ones where a couple's relationship is paramount.

Individuals are pathetic. Entire classes of people are not.

[Anonymous]

There's a reason the priest says, "forsaking all others" in the ceremony. ALL others. Sorry but it's normal to put your spouse first over your kids.

I couldn't do it myself so I'm no longer married. But, I think you need to respect your father's position on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did Dad choose Stepmom (and their new child) over me, but when they divorced after 10 years, he started choosing girlfriends over me.

He lived out of state and I was in town with my new son, his only grandchild. I asked him to meet me at a relative's house where I was staying. He told me his new girlfriend (who I had never met) wouldn't like him going to his ex-wife's relative's house, so he wouldn't come see me or his grandson. I didn't speak to him for months afterward, but finally accepted his apology and we moved on.

Men think with their dicks and will always choose the person they're sleeping with over children, or really any relative.

+1 Men make the decision that will give them the least amount of grief in the short term. Does he want tot deal with the fallout from his girlfriend/new wife? No? Then he's going to go along with her. Period.

Men are pathetic this way, TBH.

Actually, most relationship counselors will tell you that you need to put your spouse before your children. Obviously not to the point where you are neglecting or abusing your children (which does not sound like the case here), but the healthiest marriages that produce the most well-adjusted children are ones where a couple's relationship is paramount.

Individuals are pathetic. Entire classes of people are not.

Yes, but the relationships we're talking about aren't healthy ones. When a stepmother demands a husband not see his children because it would be at the ex's family's house? Or demand that the husband choose her over his biological children? You're already starting off on a dysfunctional footing. No counselor would encourage that dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other posters that spouses need to choose each other above all others, with the exception of dependent children. And even in those cases, you can care for a child without being disloyal to your spouse.

It sounds like you were very much in the wrong for backing your dad into a corner and forcing him to "choose". What exactly were you forcing him to choose between in the particular instance that caused the rift?

Your dad is married for life. It is very sad that your parents' marriage ended in divorce, and it sounds like it caused you a lot of pain, and that is very sad. Your dad is now remarried. If you love him and your sister, the loving thing is to root for the happiness and success of his marriage.

So how do you resolve this pain you are in? One thing is to be honest about what you really want and ask whether it's realistic or good. To be honest with you in an anonymous forum, it sounds like you want your father to divorce again and it sounds like you want your sister to be unhappy because you are unhappy and it's unfair that she gets two intact, doting, loving parents and you feel excluded from that.

What if you told your dad, "Dad, I still really hurt because you and mom broke up. I am really jealous of my sister because she gets 100% of your love and I feel like your love for me is divided. I want to be closer to you and to feel more a part of your family. What can I do on my part to help us to be closer? Would you be willing to work with me on this?"

Could you say that?

[Anonymous]

For the people who are saying that the someone should choose spouse over children, that is absolutely heinous if we're talking about someone who is choosing to put aside their children for a NEW spouse. If you have a spouse and lose them, you owe it to your children to put them first so that they might be mentally healthy enough to have their own chance at a great love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The whole storm started when I made him choose many years ago, when I was younger. [I wanted to give some helpful information without giving a "play by play", so to speak. (I also do not care to give too much identifying information, for my own reasons).]

That particular instance led to a huge falling out, of course. It essentially set the stage for what would be my exclusion from most family gatherings. Now, I have grown children, and we must create our own memories (I get it) - just wondering how people in my situation have handled the rejection and what goes with it.

Stepmom and I do not respect each other, so "pretending" everything is fine is not an option.

So, you created this situation, you need to fix it. First, as another PP pointed out, you apologize to your father and step-mother for your childish selfishness in making your Dad choose. You accept him and his wife as a couple. As an adult, you do not need to accord your stepmother any respect, but you do owe her courtesy. You treat her as a guest in your home. When you go to visit, you treat her with the respect due a guest to her hostess who is extending her hospitality to you in her home. If you can just treat her politely, you will be able to develop a relationship with your father again.

Just as with most problems, start small. Invite Dad and stepmom to meet you for coffee or lunch and explain that you regret the time lost for your young selfish behavior and want to make amends and start to rebuild your family relationship. Tell your stepmom that you want to try to make up so that your children will be able to get to know the grandfather and her as family. Then plan a lunch or dinner out for the first icebreaker. You pick outside locations for the coffee/lunch and first family get-together so no one feels like a captive audience and no one feels pressure to host. After you start to get more comfortable with each other, then you can invite them to your home or accept an invitation to their home. Then hopefully you'll start getting included in family gatherings again and build those family memories that will be important for your children.

The point is that you weren't rejected, you withdrew from the family when you made your father choose and he chose his wife. I'm sure that if at any time you had changed your position to accept his wife, her important place in your father's life and her place in your now-extended family that you would have been welcome. My family has grown from both of my siblings divorces and remarriages. I still consider my ex-sister-in-law and her new husband family. All of my children's cousins' parents are uncles and aunts even though some of them have no blood ties to my family at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did Dad choose Stepmom (and their new child) over me, but when they divorced after 10 years, he started choosing girlfriends over me.

He lived out of state and I was in town with my new son, his only grandchild. I asked him to meet me at a relative's house where I was staying. He told me his new girlfriend (who I had never met) wouldn't like him going to his ex-wife's relative's house, so he wouldn't come see me or his grandson. I didn't speak to him for months afterward, but finally accepted his apology and we moved on.

Men think with their dicks and will always choose the person they're sleeping with over children, or really any relative.

+1 Men make the decision that will give them the least amount of grief in the short term. Does he want tot deal with the fallout from his girlfriend/new wife? No? Then he's going to go along with her. Period.

Men are pathetic this way, TBH.

Actually, most relationship counselors will tell you that you need to put your spouse before your children. Obviously not to the point where you are neglecting or abusing your children (which does not sound like the case here), but the healthiest marriages that produce the most well-adjusted children are ones where a couple's relationship is paramount.

Individuals are pathetic. Entire classes of people are not.

Yes, but the relationships we're talking about aren't healthy ones. When a stepmother demands a husband not see his children because it would be at the ex's family's house? Or demand that the husband choose her over his biological children? You're already starting off on a dysfunctional footing. No counselor would encourage that dynamic.

But you're contorting the PP's situation. In this case, the daughter was the one that made demands and refused to see her father except under conditions that would cause a rift. First, OP makes him choose between her and his wife. Then she comes to visit and she insists that he come to visit her at one of his ex-wife's relatives' house. He objects saying that he can't go there because it would cause problems problems with his current girlfriend. She doesn't offer any compromise neutral location (a restaurant, a park, the playground or the mall, for Pete's sake), but just blames him for not coming to see her. She makes conditions he can't meet and then blames him for not meeting her conditions. It's the daughter making unreasonable demands, not the girlfriend or later stepmother. She sets him up in a lose-lose situation, either you're a bad boyfriend or a bad father, you pick. OP was at least half responsible for that rift by being rigid and inflexible. I find it odd that many women on DCUM will say that a woman who sticks up for her marriage or partner is loyal but a man who sticks up for his marriage or partner is pathetic and thinking with his dick. Nice double standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did Dad choose Stepmom (and their new child) over me, but when they divorced after 10 years, he started choosing girlfriends over me.

He lived out of state and I was in town with my new son, his only grandchild. I asked him to meet me at a relative's house where I was staying. He told me his new girlfriend (who I had never met) wouldn't like him going to his ex-wife's relative's house, so he wouldn't come see me or his grandson. I didn't speak to him for months afterward, but finally accepted his apology and we moved on.

Men think with their dicks and will always choose the person they're sleeping with over children, or really any relative.

+1 Men make the decision that will give them the least amount of grief in the short term. Does he want tot deal with the fallout from his girlfriend/new wife? No? Then he's going to go along with her. Period.

Men are pathetic this way, TBH.

Actually, most relationship counselors will tell you that you need to put your spouse before your children. Obviously not to the point where you are neglecting or abusing your children (which does not sound like the case here), but the healthiest marriages that produce the most well-adjusted children are ones where a couple's relationship is paramount.

Individuals are pathetic. Entire classes of people are not.

Yes, but the relationships we're talking about aren't healthy ones. When a stepmother demands a husband not see his children because it would be at the ex's family's house? Or demand that the husband choose her over his biological children? You're already starting off on a dysfunctional footing. No counselor would encourage that dynamic.

Or the adult biological child could have chosen a neutral location to meet. Or the adult biological child could have gone to the father's house. The adult biological child could, you know, act like an adult. But it sounds like she said "come to mom's house, or we can't see you", because she didn't want to be inconvenienced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people who are saying that the someone should choose spouse over children, that is absolutely heinous if we're talking about someone who is choosing to put aside their children for a NEW spouse. If you have a spouse and lose them, you owe it to your children to put them first so that they might be mentally healthy enough to have their own chance at a great love.

I agree that you should not marry again while your children are young. Your children have to come first.

Once you marry, then yes, it is forsaking all others. No exceptions. So don't get married again if you are not prepared to fulfill that vow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people who are saying that the someone should choose spouse over children, that is absolutely heinous if we're talking about someone who is choosing to put aside their children for a NEW spouse. If you have a spouse and lose them, you owe it to your children to put them first so that they might be mentally healthy enough to have their own chance at a great love.

If they are minors, or maybe even still in college, maybe. But we are talking about adult children, who have gotten married and have their own children. The time to give them the chance to be mentally healthy has passed. These adult women (who are mothers themselves), need to grow up, lose the victim attitude, and be cordial to their parents' new spouses, just as it is expected their parents are cordial to these women's husbands.

[Anonymous]

But shouldn't everyone always choose their spouses? I mean I'm only on my first marriage, but my DH will come before my parents and children. It's the nature of marriage and our lifetime commitment (even though your father has been married before). Our marriage counselor even advised us that marriage comes first always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people who are saying that the someone should choose spouse over children, that is absolutely heinous if we're talking about someone who is choosing to put aside their children for a NEW spouse. If you have a spouse and lose them, you owe it to your children to put them first so that they might be mentally healthy enough to have their own chance at a great love.

Are you assuming OP's dad is a widower with that "lose them" reference? What if OP's mom was controlling and emotionally abusive, and OP's father's only way to save himself and try to give his children some example of a healthy home life was to leave. But OP ended up taking after her mother and being just as controlling and emotionally abusive, and her father isn't willing to go down that road with her? I hope you wouldn't say that he should. So let's not assume facts that haven't been presented here, and then decide who's to blame based on those assumptions.