Dad chose stepmom over me

[Anonymous]

Has anyone been in this situation? Does anyone who is experienced have advice on how to go about holidays? Dad basically came out and said "if you are making me choose, I choose (stepmother)" - who has never liked me, and treated me like a servant my whole life. OTOH, they have a daughter who gets all of their love and affection. Would appreciate hearing from someone who has been through this.

[Anonymous]

My mom divorced and remarried when I was around 4. I was the youngest of 7, so the others ranged from 6-18. The oldest two were out of the house (navy and married) and the boys went to live with my dad. My mom always chose my step-father over her own children, including moving 3 hrs away when I was ten and taking me with them, thus taking me away from my dad, siblings, (several of whom were married and having kids by then,) and my grandmothers. It really sucked, especially when my real dad died four years later and I barely had a relationship with him.

She has no relationship with her grandchildren, very limited relationship with any of her children and sits at home alone now that my step-father died 2.5 yrs ago. I've never understood it.

They make their choices based on who's in bed with them (and had to explain this to my 22 yr old niece when my brother recently divorced and remarried and he now chooses is new wife (#3) over his kids. I guess they do that to keep the peace at home, and I get that, but they're setting themselves up for a pretty lonely old age.

No advice, just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

My dad also chose his stepmom over me; he began dating less than a year after my mom died. Now he is only involved in her family and her grandkids, and we have almost no contact. His choice. And hers, I guess.

I'm sorry, OP. It really hurts, I know.

[Anonymous]

My mom plays that game of making me choose her or my dad - I choose neither and if they want to join our family they do. You suck it up and make an effort to get along with her for your dad's sake and for your/your children's sake. I'm not a fan of my mom's new boyfriend - he's fine, nothing wrong with him but I'll make the effort.

[Anonymous]

OP, what led up to the "if you are making me choose . . ." question where he came out and said this? I am really sorry he said this, but what is the context? Why did you ask him to choose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what led up to the "if you are making me choose . . ." question where he came out and said this? I am really sorry he said this, but what is the context? Why did you ask him to choose?

+1. The person who makes someone choose between them and someone else usually loses.

[Anonymous]

Op, why do you wish to make this a competition?

[Anonymous]

I had a stepmother who clearly wanted my father to choose her over me. She would try and arrange situations that would put my dad and I at odds. She would also get mad at him for spending any money on me. I could tell what she was up to and didn't fall for it. She is no longer in the picture.

Basically OP, why does your dad think that he has to choose?

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that OP. My dad regularly chose stepmom over me for many years. It sucks, but try not to think it's about you. Men are idiots when it comes to the women in their lives. My advice is find a way to be in your dad's life even if it hurts to feel you are competing for his love. Don't force a competition. I feel for you though. I really do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that OP. My dad regularly chose stepmom over me for many years. It sucks, but try not to think it's about you. Men are idiots when it comes to the women in their lives. My advice is find a way to be in your dad's life even if it hurts to feel you are competing for his love. Don't force a competition. I feel for you though. I really do.

This is my post and I wanted to add something. One strategy that sometimes worked for me was scheduling something separate to do with just my dad, without stepmom present. What I usually came up with was meeting my dad for lunch or dinner, just the two of us. It didn't eliminate feeling inferior at the larger family gatherings, but it was at least a way of staying connected to my dad on more of my own terms. Would this possibly work for you?

[Anonymous]

Not only did Dad choose Stepmom (and their new child) over me, but when they divorced after 10 years, he started choosing girlfriends over me.

He lived out of state and I was in town with my new son, his only grandchild. I asked him to meet me at a relative's house where I was staying. He told me his new girlfriend (who I had never met) wouldn't like him going to his ex-wife's relative's house, so he wouldn't come see me or his grandson. I didn't speak to him for months afterward, but finally accepted his apology and we moved on.

Men think with their dicks and will always choose the person they're sleeping with over children, or really any relative.

[Anonymous]

How old are you, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that OP. My dad regularly chose stepmom over me for many years. It sucks, but try not to think it's about you. Men are idiots when it comes to the women in their lives. My advice is find a way to be in your dad's life even if it hurts to feel you are competing for his love. Don't force a competition. I feel for you though. I really do.

This is my post and I wanted to add something. One strategy that sometimes worked for me was scheduling something separate to do with just my dad, without stepmom present. What I usually came up with was meeting my dad for lunch or dinner, just the two of us. It didn't eliminate feeling inferior at the larger family gatherings, but it was at least a way of staying connected to my dad on more of my own terms. Would this possibly work for you?

I have tried this with my dad and it backfired big time. His wife (#3, married her when I was 32) was livid and started a huge campaign against me to my father. Just be mindful of her personality as it might backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what led up to the "if you are making me choose . . ." question where he came out and said this? I am really sorry he said this, but what is the context? Why did you ask him to choose?

+1. The person who makes someone choose between them and someone else usually loses.

Agree. I'm wondering how this ultimatum came about? You should know better than to back someone into a corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what led up to the "if you are making me choose . . ." question where he came out and said this? I am really sorry he said this, but what is the context? Why did you ask him to choose?

+1. The person who makes someone choose between them and someone else usually loses.

How old are you? If you're making him choose one or the other and you're over 18 you need to get your shit together and recognize she'll be there for the rest of his life and you need to respect that.