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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. The whole storm started when I made him choose many years ago, when I was younger.  [I wanted to give some helpful information without giving a "play by play", so to speak.  (I also do not care to give too much identifying information, for my own reasons).]

That particular instance led to a huge falling out, of course. It essentially set the stage for what would be my exclusion from most family gatherings.  Now, I have grown children, and we must create our own memories (I get it) - just wondering how people in my situation have handled the rejection and what goes with it.

Stepmom and I do not respect each other, so "pretending" everything is fine is not an option.  [/quote]

So, you created this situation, you need to fix it.  First, as another PP pointed out, you apologize to your father and step-mother for your childish selfishness in making your Dad choose.  You accept him and his wife as a couple.  As an adult, you do not need to accord your stepmother any respect, but you do owe her courtesy.  You treat her as a guest in your home.  When you go to visit, you treat her with the respect due a guest to her hostess who is extending her hospitality to you in her home.  If you can just treat her politely, you will be able to develop a relationship with your father again.

Just as with most problems, start small.  Invite Dad and stepmom to meet you for coffee or lunch and explain that you regret the time lost for your young selfish behavior and want to make amends and start to rebuild your family relationship.  Tell your stepmom that you want to try to make up so that your children will be able to get to know the grandfather and her as family.  Then plan a lunch or dinner out for the first icebreaker.  You pick outside locations for the coffee/lunch and first family get-together so no one feels like a captive audience and no one feels pressure to host.  After you start to get more comfortable with each other, then you can invite them to your home or accept an invitation to their home.  Then hopefully you'll start getting included in family gatherings again and build those family memories that will be important for your children.

The point is that you weren't rejected, you withdrew from the family when you made your father choose and he chose his wife.  I'm sure that if at any time you had changed your position to accept his wife, her important place in your father's life and her place in your now-extended family that you would have been welcome.  My family has grown from both of my siblings divorces and remarriages.  I still consider my ex-sister-in-law and her new husband family.  All of my children's cousins' parents are uncles and aunts even though some of them have no blood ties to my family at all.
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