Dad chose stepmom over me

[Anonymous]

What are you asking him to do that makes him feels like he has to choose? There's little I can think of, aside from wedding drama maybe, that would result in him needing to choose between his adult daughter's wishes and his loyalty to his wife.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The whole storm started when I made him choose many years ago, when I was younger. [I wanted to give some helpful information without giving a "play by play", so to speak. (I also do not care to give too much identifying information, for my own reasons).]

That particular instance led to a huge falling out, of course. It essentially set the stage for what would be my exclusion from most family gatherings. Now, I have grown children, and we must create our own memories (I get it) - just wondering how people in my situation have handled the rejection and what goes with it.

Stepmom and I do not respect each other, so "pretending" everything is fine is not an option.

[Anonymous]

You need to smooth things over and find a way to get along with your stepmom. Your are asking him to choose which is unfair to him.

[Anonymous]

I was hurt when my dad and step mom cut me out of their lives, and then amused when they got divorced and my dad changed his mind. I don't think there is a good way to deal with it besides try to be as happy as possible with your remaining family.

Maybe try inviting your dad/stepmom to your house for a weekend to show them that you are willing to try to repair the relationship?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you behaved in a way you would not do so now - have you apologized? Or made a point of saying that what happened in the past will not repeat itself and you hope to reestablish a relationship?

[Anonymous]

What would you like to happen now? Would you like to change the dynamic? If yes, it's always possible. You could extend an olive branch, but realize your stepmom is part of the package. It sounds like they've been married for several years at this point.

I'm going to bet your dad would like to change the dynamic too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you behaved in a way you would not do so now - have you apologized? Or made a point of saying that what happened in the past will not repeat itself and you hope to reestablish a relationship?

But isn't OP already behaving the same way again? She asked her father to choose again. He made the same choice as before. OP may be at two strikes here.

[Anonymous]

Good for him, he deserves to be happy.

[Anonymous]

My mom chose stepdad (who was a jerk, and later cheated on and divorced her) over me. It just sucks. No good advice - I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you behaved in a way you would not do so now - have you apologized? Or made a point of saying that what happened in the past will not repeat itself and you hope to reestablish a relationship?

But isn't OP already behaving the same way again? She asked her father to choose again. He made the same choice as before. OP may be at two strikes here.

Two strikes? For what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The whole storm started when I made him choose many years ago, when I was younger. [I wanted to give some helpful information without giving a "play by play", so to speak. (I also do not care to give too much identifying information, for my own reasons).]

That particular instance led to a huge falling out, of course. It essentially set the stage for what would be my exclusion from most family gatherings. Now, I have grown children, and we must create our own memories (I get it) - just wondering how people in my situation have handled the rejection and what goes with it.

Stepmom and I do not respect each other, so "pretending" everything is fine is not an option.

You are aware you can change this whenever you want, right? Just let it go. You can apologize for your younger self and invite them over for dinner so you can start again. I'm not sure why you can't pretend to like the stepmother. Find something in common, focus on the parts that are good about her, ignore the parts you don't like. Figure out what your dad loves about her and love that too.

Honestly, I think you are being proud and stubborn, and it's costing you your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The whole storm started when I made him choose many years ago, when I was younger. [I wanted to give some helpful information without giving a "play by play", so to speak. (I also do not care to give too much identifying information, for my own reasons).]

That particular instance led to a huge falling out, of course. It essentially set the stage for what would be my exclusion from most family gatherings. Now, I have grown children, and we must create our own memories (I get it) - just wondering how people in my situation have handled the rejection and what goes with it.

Stepmom and I do not respect each other, so "pretending" everything is fine is not an option.

You are aware you can change this whenever you want, right? Just let it go. You can apologize for your younger self and invite them over for dinner so you can start again. I'm not sure why you can't pretend to like the stepmother. Find something in common, focus on the parts that are good about her, ignore the parts you don't like. Figure out what your dad loves about her and love that too.

Honestly, I think you are being proud and stubborn, and it's costing you your dad.

This exactly. My stepmother actually gave the "choose" ultimatum to my dad, and he chose her. I wasn't in his life for a good portion of my childhood because of that choice. It sucked, but I'm grown and have kids of my own now. I apologized for anything I might have done as a kid, he apologized for how he dealt with the situation, and then she finally apologized herself after some time passed. That apology came after I put a hell of a lot of effort into getting along just for the sake of it, even though I was pretty peeved under it all - that is what family does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The whole storm started when I made him choose many years ago, when I was younger. [I wanted to give some helpful information without giving a "play by play", so to speak. (I also do not care to give too much identifying information, for my own reasons).]

That particular instance led to a huge falling out, of course. It essentially set the stage for what would be my exclusion from most family gatherings. Now, I have grown children, and we must create our own memories (I get it) - just wondering how people in my situation have handled the rejection and what goes with it.

Stepmom and I do not respect each other, so "pretending" everything is fine is not an option.

You are aware you can change this whenever you want, right? Just let it go. You can apologize for your younger self and invite them over for dinner so you can start again. I'm not sure why you can't pretend to like the stepmother. Find something in common, focus on the parts that are good about her, ignore the parts you don't like. Figure out what your dad loves about her and love that too.

Honestly, I think you are being proud and stubborn, and it's costing you your dad.

This exactly. My stepmother actually gave the "choose" ultimatum to my dad, and he chose her. I wasn't in his life for a good portion of my childhood because of that choice. It sucked, but I'm grown and have kids of my own now. I apologized for anything I might have done as a kid, he apologized for how he dealt with the situation, and then she finally apologized herself after some time passed. That apology came after I put a hell of a lot of effort into getting along just for the sake of it, even though I was pretty peeved under it all - that is what family does.

What? Continue to be dysfunctional? People do not have any need to apologize for behavior when they were CHILDREN, and your father and his wife sound selfish as hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The whole storm started when I made him choose many years ago, when I was younger. [I wanted to give some helpful information without giving a "play by play", so to speak. (I also do not care to give too much identifying information, for my own reasons).]

That particular instance led to a huge falling out, of course. It essentially set the stage for what would be my exclusion from most family gatherings. Now, I have grown children, and we must create our own memories (I get it) - just wondering how people in my situation have handled the rejection and what goes with it.

Stepmom and I do not respect each other, so "pretending" everything is fine is not an option.

How do you handle the situation? You apologize profusely. Grovel, if you have to. You were wrong. You need to tell them that you were wrong and that you are sorry about the rift.

You should NEVER force someone to choose between their partner and their other family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The whole storm started when I made him choose many years ago, when I was younger. [I wanted to give some helpful information without giving a "play by play", so to speak. (I also do not care to give too much identifying information, for my own reasons).]

That particular instance led to a huge falling out, of course. It essentially set the stage for what would be my exclusion from most family gatherings. Now, I have grown children, and we must create our own memories (I get it) - just wondering how people in my situation have handled the rejection and what goes with it.

Stepmom and I do not respect each other, so "pretending" everything is fine is not an option.

You are aware you can change this whenever you want, right? Just let it go. You can apologize for your younger self and invite them over for dinner so you can start again. I'm not sure why you can't pretend to like the stepmother. Find something in common, focus on the parts that are good about her, ignore the parts you don't like. Figure out what your dad loves about her and love that too.

Honestly, I think you are being proud and stubborn, and it's costing you your dad.

This exactly. My stepmother actually gave the "choose" ultimatum to my dad, and he chose her. I wasn't in his life for a good portion of my childhood because of that choice. It sucked, but I'm grown and have kids of my own now. I apologized for anything I might have done as a kid, he apologized for how he dealt with the situation, and then she finally apologized herself after some time passed. That apology came after I put a hell of a lot of effort into getting along just for the sake of it, even though I was pretty peeved under it all - that is what family does.

What? Continue to be dysfunctional? People do not have any need to apologize for behavior when they were CHILDREN, and your father and his wife sound selfish as hell.

No, being part of a family means having some compassion and understanding, even when people are hurt. Try to view things from the other person's perspective. Try to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that being a parent doesn't make you infallible. For me, I try to remember that my dad chose my stepmother when he was much younger than I am now and think of stupid things I've made - no one wants to be judged or defined by a single old mistake.