Dad chose stepmom over me

[Anonymous]

I'm 21:57 and not the OP.

1. This location demand was placed by a new girlfriend that I didn't even know existed. Not a Stepmom. She didn't last. I was disgusted that he would bend to the insecure wishes of a GF when his only grandchild was visiting his hometown. Ugh. Still pisses me off.

2. The location wasn't at Mom's house - she lives in another town, it was a relative that he knew & liked too. I had a 9-month old baby at the time and he lived in a bachelor pad. Yes, I went for the convenient location for me and a crawling baby. I might have gone over to his place, but he didn't offer that up.

He was wrong and admitted as much. I forgave him and he married a much nicer 3rd wife.

No one understands more clearly than me that your parent will forsake you for a new spouse. Stepchildren have lived this for hundreds of years. This is one of the top reasons that I will never ask for a divorce and if widowed, will not remarry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 21:57 and not the OP.

1. This location demand was placed by a new girlfriend that I didn't even know existed. Not a Stepmom. She didn't last. I was disgusted that he would bend to the insecure wishes of a GF when his only grandchild was visiting his hometown. Ugh. Still pisses me off.

2. The location wasn't at Mom's house - she lives in another town, it was a relative that he knew & liked too. I had a 9-month old baby at the time and he lived in a bachelor pad. Yes, I went for the convenient location for me and a crawling baby. I might have gone over to his place, but he didn't offer that up.

He was wrong and admitted as much. I forgave him and he married a much nicer 3rd wife.

No one understands more clearly than me that your parent will forsake you for a new spouse. Stepchildren have lived this for hundreds of years. This is one of the top reasons that I will never ask for a divorce and if widowed, will not remarry.

You sound completely mature and well-adjusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people who are saying that the someone should choose spouse over children, that is absolutely heinous if we're talking about someone who is choosing to put aside their children for a NEW spouse. If you have a spouse and lose them, you owe it to your children to put them first so that they might be mentally healthy enough to have their own chance at a great love.

No.

In order "to be mentally healthy enough to have their own chance at great love", it is not helpful to teach a child that his or her wants are more important than a lifelong commitment of marriage.

And OP is not talking about being "put aside". No parent should be "putting aside" a child, but if you have adult children and you have a spouse, whether it's your first spouse or you second, you forsake all others and put your loyalty to your spouse first. Even if you fucked up your first marriage, you show your adult child that you are learning from your mistakes and prioritizing your marriage, in part so that they might learn better from your example of improving your commitment to marriage.

You do not make your second marriage a "lesser marriage" because you screwed up the first time, if you did. And you certainly do not elevate children above adults in order to help them be healthier; that simply gives a child too much power and is the opposite of healthy.

[Anonymous]

Spouse definitely comes before grown kids. Anyone that puts their ADULT children first must have a very crappy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But shouldn't everyone always choose their spouses? I mean I'm only on my first marriage, but my DH will come before my parents and children. It's the nature of marriage and our lifetime commitment (even though your father has been married before). Our marriage counselor even advised us that marriage comes first always.

Under most circumstances, I agree with you. But I don't agree when it comes to young children. When your children are under about 7 or 8 years of age, they need to be the priority. By and large, children are adaptable to most situations, but it is your responsibility for having brought them into the world to do what's best for them in the early years when they have no control and don't have the knowledge or experience to protect themselves. If you divorce or separate and have children that young, you should place their needs and concerns over your own or a significant other. If your needs/wants do not mesh with the child's needs, then you shouldn't marry until you can do so and still meet the child's needs. You either wait until the child is older or find a way to pursue your relationship while still meeting the child's needs. And I mean the child's needs, not the child's wants.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Dad divorced when I was three; remarried when I was about 6. I was always treated differently. For lack of a better example, think "Cinderella".

Anyway, the issue is now that me and my grown children, and my husband, are left looking for places to celebrate holidays.

I made dad choose many decades ago, and my stepmom has issues of her own. But they do not need to treat me like I don't belong in the family.

I like the suggestions so far. I may decide to meet them for coffee and talk to them about how I feel. Of course, I don't like the idea of apologizing, being stubborn, as I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Dad divorced when I was three; remarried when I was about 6. I was always treated differently. For lack of a better example, think "Cinderella".

Anyway, the issue is now that me and my grown children, and my husband, are left looking for places to celebrate holidays.

I made dad choose many decades ago, and my stepmom has issues of her own. But they do not need to treat me like I don't belong in the family.

I like the suggestions so far. I may decide to meet them for coffee and talk to them about how I feel. Of course, I don't like the idea of apologizing, being stubborn, as I am.

So you want to ask them to come for coffee so you can confront them again about how you feel wronged, and try to force an apology out of them? Please don't bother, you will be disappointed. You can't force someone to validate your feelings or apologize, so if you don't have anything to offer them along those lines, just leave it alone.

Also, why are you looking for places to celebrate holidays? How about celebrating them yourself instead of looking for someone else to make it happen for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But shouldn't everyone always choose their spouses? I mean I'm only on my first marriage, but my DH will come before my parents and children. It's the nature of marriage and our lifetime commitment (even though your father has been married before). Our marriage counselor even advised us that marriage comes first always.

Under most circumstances, I agree with you. But I don't agree when it comes to young children. When your children are under about 7 or 8 years of age, they need to be the priority. By and large, children are adaptable to most situations, but it is your responsibility for having brought them into the world to do what's best for them in the early years when they have no control and don't have the knowledge or experience to protect themselves. If you divorce or separate and have children that young, you should place their needs and concerns over your own or a significant other. If your needs/wants do not mesh with the child's needs, then you shouldn't marry until you can do so and still meet the child's needs. You either wait until the child is older or find a way to pursue your relationship while still meeting the child's needs. And I mean the child's needs, not the child's wants.

This discussion is about adult children and their wants.

No one is talking about young children, or even teenagers. Obviously you cannot neglect your minor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Dad divorced when I was three; remarried when I was about 6. I was always treated differently. For lack of a better example, think "Cinderella".

Anyway, the issue is now that me and my grown children, and my husband, are left looking for places to celebrate holidays.

I made dad choose many decades ago, and my stepmom has issues of her own. But they do not need to treat me like I don't belong in the family.

I like the suggestions so far. I may decide to meet them for coffee and talk to them about how I feel. Of course, I don't like the idea of apologizing, being stubborn, as I am.

Are you saying you asked your dad to come to your place for the holidays without his wife? Did she have other plans and you were asking him to skip out on those and instead join your family instead? I get that you felt the way you did and because of the history you don't want to apologize, but of course he's going to spend the holidays with his wife. Invite them both over for a lesser holiday to show them that you're more mature now. If that's not a disaster, then say you'd love to see them at more holidays - offer to host, and hope that offer will be reciprocated in the future, but know that you need to make the first gesture of good will, without demanding anything in return.

[Anonymous]

Woahz. You have *grown* children and you're still upset about a remarriage that happened when you were 6?!?

Your kids are grown and now you need a place to have holidays? Did your kids grow up having holidays with your dad and stepmom? If not, why not?

What are you actually looking for your dad to do now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Dad divorced when I was three; remarried when I was about 6. I was always treated differently. For lack of a better example, think "Cinderella".

Anyway, the issue is now that me and my grown children, and my husband, are left looking for places to celebrate holidays.

I made dad choose many decades ago, and my stepmom has issues of her own. But they do not need to treat me like I don't belong in the family.

I like the suggestions so far. I may decide to meet them for coffee and talk to them about how I feel. Of course, I don't like the idea of apologizing, being stubborn, as I am.

Are you saying you asked your dad to come to your place for the holidays without his wife? Did she have other plans and you were asking him to skip out on those and instead join your family instead? I get that you felt the way you did and because of the history you don't want to apologize, but of course he's going to spend the holidays with his wife. Invite them both over for a lesser holiday to show them that you're more mature now. If that's not a disaster, then say you'd love to see them at more holidays - offer to host, and hope that offer will be reciprocated in the future, but know that you need to make the first gesture of good will, without demanding anything in return.

Agree with PP. If this is your attitude, you should probably not meet them to talk about how you feel. Your younger self made a big mistake. You showed that you do not respect her as HIS WIFE and that you expected him to choose you over his marital vows and commitment. That's extremely disrespectful. With that attitude, yes, you didn't belong in the family. She was now a part of his family and you were trying to break his marriage apart. You cut out toxic relatives and you were about as toxic as can be short of being abusive. If you cannot make amends and apologize for what you've done, you need to leave them alone. Trying to meet with them to express that you feel wronged when you are the one who created the toxic situation and that you refuse to both acknowledge and apologize for your past mistakes is just wrong. If you are so stubborn that you cannot apologize for what you've done, then do the kindest other thing you can do--leave them in peace. You are in control. You are the one that can make amends and help your family to heal, but you are also the one that can keep this family torn apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who are saying that the someone should choose spouse over children, that is absolutely heinous if we're talking about someone who is choosing to put aside their children for a NEW spouse. If you have a spouse and lose them, you owe it to your children to put them first so that they might be mentally healthy enough to have their own chance at a great love.

No.

In order "to be mentally healthy enough to have their own chance at great love", it is not helpful to teach a child that his or her wants are more important than a lifelong commitment of marriage. No, but if your child is a teen, and you move on pretty much immediately, and you suddenly go cold and distant, and stop spending time with your teen, and make it clear that you are "off duty", parent-wise, because your new spouse wants it that way, your teen is going to have all kinds of issues with love/marriage as a result. This is something they carry into their own future relationships at a time when they should be preparing to date and find a partner. In my own case, I DO think my dad was selfish for not waiting a few more years--at least until I was fully an adult--instead of doing this at such an impressionable time for me.

And OP is not talking about being "put aside". No parent should be "putting aside" a child, but if you have adult children and you have a spouse, whether it's your first spouse or you second, you forsake all others and put your loyalty to your spouse first. Even if you fucked up your first marriage, you show your adult child that you are learning from your mistakes and prioritizing your marriage, in part so that they might learn better from your example of improving your commitment to marriage. Oh, OK, so if your new spouse decides she doesn't want your teens to come home from school anymore, ever again, and she doesn't want them around as adults either, and she doesn't want their dad to have any contact with them, then dad is just "forsaking all others" for his new wife, and the kids need to cut their losses and move on?

You do not make your second marriage a "lesser marriage" because you screwed up the first time, if you did. And you certainly do not elevate children above adults in order to help them be healthier; that simply gives a child too much power and is the opposite of healthy. The OP is not talking about "elevating", and neither am I. I'm talking about maintaining the same degree of love and involvement in your children's/young adult's lives as you had before, to a normal/healthy degree. As opposed to completely cutting them out of your life because your new wife only wants her own kids/grandkids around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Dad divorced when I was three; remarried when I was about 6. I was always treated differently. For lack of a better example, think "Cinderella".

Anyway, the issue is now that me and my grown children, and my husband, are left looking for places to celebrate holidays.

I made dad choose many decades ago, and my stepmom has issues of her own. But they do not need to treat me like I don't belong in the family.

I like the suggestions so far. I may decide to meet them for coffee and talk to them about how I feel. Of course, I don't like the idea of apologizing, being stubborn, as I am.

Nope. If you aren't ready to apologize, then don't meet them. Discuss this with a therapist instead. Plan to spend the holidays at home. Do not meet them if you have intentions of calling yourself Cinderella.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I would never say "Cinderella" out loud, it was just an analogy that popped into my head, as a common point of reference. It is not really like that. I forgot how literal people are on this board, frankly.

My preference is not to apologize, but I am not adamant (about not apologizing).

I do *not* expect to see dad without his wife. Clearly the wife is here to stay. I call her by her first name, all is well in that regard.

I do *not*, at my age, and at his age, expect him to choose over his wife.

My children are grown (teen and college).

Yes, therapy is in order.

Hopefully we are clear now?

I think part of what is bothering me is that the wife is very status conscious, and that negatively affected my upbringing (contrary to inclination); and I might be a bit jealous of my sister and stepmother being elevated above me constantly.

While I am ashamed to admit this, and am addressing it in therapy, I believe it is the underlying issue. I was hoping for input by daughters who are in similar situations. I am appreciative of those who have contributed with real life stories, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Who says OP is the one that is making Dad choose? My Dad told me that he would choose my step-mom over me but I never made him choose, she did. I tried everything I could think of to maintain a relationship with my father. My dad married my step mom after my mom died when I was 17. I tried to get together with just him but he refused to see me if my step mom was not there also. Eventually I was completely excluded from all family gatherings... Which consisted solely of her family. Trying to have a relationship with him completely broke me down emotionally. Unfortunately, I had to cut him out of my life completely for my own well being and peace of mind. Now I tell people that both of my parents are dead... And I'm only 27. It hurt me very much but I have wonderful friends in my life who love me unconditionally... They are my family now. If your real family isn't there for you then make your own.