My parents are socially awkward, how do I handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

Routine, routine, routine. It sounds like your parents have a hard time with casual situations, so anything that pops up "out of the blue" (even if it doesn't seem like it to you because it's a few days in advance) feels overwhelming to them. They want to plan ahead for things, and if you can give them more opportunities to do this, then it will help.

Your frustration and judgment of your parents obviously comes through in your post. I suspect they sense it, too, and I suspect it makes you struggle to deal with them as you might with someone else who acts the same way. This must not be new behavior -- were they like this while you were growing up? The more you can try to forgive them for it and overlook it and just address them for who they are, the easier it will be on you, even though it's frustrating and hard.

My point about routine is that if you set up a schedule of some regular times to get together, that will make it easier on everyone. Maybe you have Sunday night dinner together all the time, or you take your daughter over to their house for playtime every other Saturday, or whatever. You can still extend some other invitations, but if you have this arranged, no one feels surprised by it, and it doesn't feel like an imposition on anyone.

Also, FWIW, some people just have different opinions on who should invite whom. My MIL is more like your in-laws and constantly inviting herself and asking us to do things. It's totally overwhelming and frustrating to me. My parents are the other extreme, more like yours where they won't call me ever -- I'm supposed to call them (they don't live locally). The extreme bothers me, but I know it's because they don't want to impose on me or make me feel like they're bothering me, and this is also how it always has been with generations -- my parents would call my grandparents, but not the other way around. It's possible they are doing this to be respectful, even if it seems like it's neglectful.

[Anonymous]

I like the earlier suggestion of having a standing, monthly dinner with them.

I suspect your parents dislike of the inlaws is due to your parents not feeling like they are good enough. It leads to them being defensive and looking for reasons to avoid spending time with them.

The situation obviously weighs heavily on you. I'd suggest some therapy -- to help you figure out what you want from your relationship with your parents and to develop some coping skills. I don't think you should cut them out of your life. They haven't done anything egregious, but there's obviously some hurt feelings on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Another wife here, although my parents (Actually my dad and stepmother) are the difficult ones, although not that bad.

One thing that is really important is to schedule outings as a PP suggested without DW. Make them regular. Give your DW a break. And make them active -- go to the zoo, a library, something where everyone can interact. And also that you can go home from at any time when things are done.

You may find this impossible this moment if, for example DW is still breastfeeding, but that will change very quickly. You should also schedule events as PPs have suggested, but this will give your DW at least some kind of positive side to your in laws.

Also, you need to stand up for your DW and her family. Continue to invite your parents to things like (and yes, they will come up soon) her birthday party and preschool programs, where there is only one and everyone might want to come. If they still feel slighted, that's their problem although you should remind them that her parents didn't do wrong and that you are not taking their side on this. And when you are together with your parents and DW, your wife needs to be civil but it is *your* responsibility to shut down any negative, passive aggressive or hostile comments. You take your wife's side in this anonymous forum, now act like it in person like a grownup. And if your sister calls to complain about how you are a jerk give her the same lines. Either she's rational and will understand, or she's not and she'll just have to learn to accept reality too.

As other posters have said, you need to grow up and realize that you'll have to manage nonideal family dynamics. That's how life is.

[Anonymous]

OP here, the last several posts were very thoughtful and I appreciate it. In fact, the poster from 18:47 (on page 2), the additional detail you describe in additional scenarios you go through, also match others I didn't outline in my post. So yes, I think you and I have the same exact situation.

Maybe you are my wife posting? LOL

Either way, I appreciate everyone's input and atleast I know I'm not the only one trying to balance this situation. Like an earlier poster said, it's a very delicate dance/game and you almost need to think through the entire gathering/event in advance to ensure something doesn't happen.

One other scenario I will share that came to mind.

My parents made a comment to me that they "know" my wife doesn't care for them because she didn't great them at the front door back on (pick a date from a couple years ago). Keep in mind, this comment will come out of the blue. Of course, I can't remember EXACTLY what my wife was doing that exact day, but it was either she was in the kitchen pulling something out of the oven, or maybe she was holding our daughter and feeding her, or maybe she was sitting on the can at the very moment they rang the doorbell. Either way, a situation as minor as that, they will never forget for years and potentially bring it up in subsequent conversations.

Again, this is something isolated, but that type of behavior is what is to expect.

[Anonymous]

18:47 here again, I have a similar story of 12 years ago of a slight they perceived that gets brought up routinely of "proof" that I am the cause of, well, everything. I brought a dessert to a gathering that was similar to a dessert my MIL made, obviously to "out do" her. I was just bringing a dessert, no idea what anyone else was bringing.
They actually just told us they wouldn't be able to bring the Lego set they wanted to bring our kids (it was their idea) because the weight of it would weigh their trunk down and cost too much in gas money.
Just keep supporting your wife, managing the parents visits so they have fun and you may have some nice, albeit controlled, times with them.

[Anonymous]

OP, your parents sound so much like my parents, and I can empathize with how frustrating it is. When I invite them over to see the grandkids (several weeks in advance), they say they can't because my dad usually plays golf. When I go to visit them, most of the time my dad is on the computer, watching tv, my mom is puttering around the house, and they hardly spend any time with the kids.

My mom brings up many small instances that she brings up too, of proof that my husband doesn't like her or that my FIL doesn't like her. Like the one day that DH was making pancakes one morning, and didn't directly offer her any (she had refused every offer of food prior to that, and said she was avoiding sugar because she was pre-diabetic). Or when my FIL was really quiet one day (shortly after we lost a family member), she was convinced he was mad at her. Trying to convince her otherwise just makes it worse. It might have something to do with the fact that she spent most of her childhood trying to please and avoid triggering a temper tantrum in her alcoholic father.

I should add that they are both depressed, my mom has OCD traits, she is also obsessive-paranoid-delusional - that is not an official thing, it's just how I would describe her behaviors, and my dad is incredibly selfish. But at the end of the day, I still know that in their own way, in the best way they know how, they love me, my DH and grandkids.

As hard as it is, you have to stop comparing with your wife's parents. I don't have any great advice, but you've already received some good advice from the PPs.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wanted to update with an exact event from today. Note, my parents have not seen my DD in 3 months and DD is 7 months old, they live 30 minutes away. The below conversation was via text.

Mother: Do you and DD have any plans today?
(please note, the above is specifically excluding my wife)

Me: We're attending a community picnic today.
Mother: What about the weather?
Me: It's a combination indoor/outdoor event at community clubhouse, so weather is not an issue.
Me: I have time available after the picnic.
Mother: What time would that be around?
Me: Not entirely sure. Picnic goes from 12-5. We will probably arrive between 12-1 (we're making cookies that we signed up for now) and stay for a couple hours, so, probably available around 3?
Mother: 3 is kinda late for me because of fixing dinner.
Mother: Maybe another day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I missed something but this seems simple. They don't initiate and they like at least a weeks notice. How about a standing once a month dinner. They love your grandkids, make this happen.

OP, also recommend the above idea PLUS do not force your wife to attend...for her is OPTIONAL, otherwise, another battle thus add more tension between them. Maybe you and your baby go to your parents home or go out to a restaurant (make it short and sweet for your wife as well).

[Anonymous]

OP, your parents truly sound like my in-laws. I'm so sorry for you. Thank you for being on the same page as your DW, recognizing how they treat her and running interference. The only time we get a confirmed in advance get together with my in-laws is around either their anniversaries or their birthdays when they expect us to wine and dine them.

[Anonymous]

I read it quickly, but I think you stake out time for your parents. so its not as often as the in-laws. That is fine. If need be, plan it far in advance. Maybe not make it major holidays if that is an issue. But do make time for them, even if you have to be the one to set it up.

[Anonymous]

I too have parents who are socially awkward folks despite them being nice.

They will say embarrassing things and not read the situation or conversation.

For example when people are talking about something, like recently when we met a long lost relative who wanted to know more about the family tree, my mom suddenly would spout negative things about my dad..... not related at all... and I'd have to be the one to drive the topic feeling very shy and embarrassed back to my poor relatives question....

And again when my relative asked ME about something egid I know a certain relative as a child, my mom would suddenly butt in and talk non stop about me...... and my achievements... not related at all and again I'd have to steer the topic while feeling like crawling into a hole...

And many times my mom would call me when I was eating, I'd answer cause she is elderly and I'm worried about her, then I would tell her I'd call her back because I was busy and eating (since there was no emergency) and she'd just go on and on ignoring what I said... too many times I'd repeat and she wouldn't even give me the chance to say anything until the point where I'd just put in my airpods and give "mmmsss" and "a huhs" and then she would classically say goodbye ignoring my reply back and hang up the call...

My dad will always sing in public and draw attention to us..., comment about people to their face (and this was before dementia) but if people talked about him he'd get into fights with them... he also never liked to share and always expected others to pay for him..

I guess they never felt it was necessary to develop the skills of small talk, or listening to people and it stems from childhood and situations they've been in...

All I can say is I feel you, and be glad it stops with our generation...

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are similar to your parents. They live 2 miles away and will go months without seeing their grandkids. When we got the house as newlyweds they never even came to see it, and when I mentioned it to their daughter she said huffily "They're waiting for you to invite them". It honestly never occurred to me that parents would wait for an invite to see their 20something sons first house! They have no friends and loathe my parents because my parents are "rich Republicans". The solution is separate events like holidays because it's too stressful otherwise, and invite them over once per season for dinner. Expect nothing from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have some good advice here. To summarize:

1) Mourn the fact that you don't have the parents you wish you did. That's a fact; don't feel guilty about it. You may have known this for a long time but it's more obvious now that you have your in-laws to compare them to.

2) Having said that, get over it and grow up. Your parents made you who you are. You may have moved beyond in education and profession, but they are still a big part of who you are. That is fine. They are not you and you are not they, but accept them for who they are, right now, and whatever they can/ want to give is great. So they'd rather watch the football game than visit your granddaughter. Big deal. They've earned the right to some peace and quiet. Your DD is probably a terror to be around much of the time, anyway.

3) It sounds like you and DW both need to cut some apron strings. You both need to focus on your new family. You said that moving away is not an option, and maybe not even desired, but there is something to be said for being in a new city, forced to make new friends and not having so much immediate family (with accompanying baggage) around all the time. Don't rule it out completely, even if just for a short time.

4) Your wife may "hate" your parents, but she better not ever let them know that. You need to have a talk with her about her role in this. Your parents should not be forced to socialize with her parents if they don't want to. And yes, your wife does owe your parents the respect of visiting them from time to time, being nice, and making an effort.

Anything else you want to know?

OP here. A few things to add.

2. Our daughter is actually very calm, well behaved. She's not even a year old yet.
3. Just to further clarify, the ONLY family local my in-laws and my parents. Everyone else, not local. My family, overall, is not very close and many will agree and say my parents are to blame. I have an older sister, she has a similar issue and doesn't care for my parents much but tolerates them.
4. It's well known that my wife does not like them and that they do not like my wife, no secret.

On the early comment that I should have thicker skin and not worry about what people say. I should probably ellaborate that I'm not worried about what they say an opinions, it's the fall out. For example, if I don't call my parents for 2 months (and they don't call me), my parents will tell my sister that I haven't contacted them and I'm keeping them from seeing their granddaughter. My sister will then contact me and for whatever reason, be on their side saying that I should make a better effort in trying to have my parents in my granddaughters life and if I'm not interested in doing that, that maybe I should see my nephews (her children) either.

Point is - it's a very childish "game" and it almost seems like no matter what, I'm on the losing end of the stick and somebody will suffer, which while I don't care if that somebody is me - I just feel like it will always be one of the children in the situation.

Hopefully that makes sense. It's quite complicated and really hard to lay everything out for a complete analysis in writing without missing other key points/events/actions.

1) Your child is still young. Your parents may warm up a bit when she is older and can interact more. My parents decided to be holiday and vacation parents- it was a bit of a bait and switch but it was hard to take at first, but then I learned to meet them where they are.

2) If your wife doesn’t like your parents, I can see why they do not want to come around more often. I would not want to be where I was not liked or loved and merely tolerated.

3) Call/facetime your parents once a week. Make that a thing. Ask them about their interests and share yours. Don’t bean count the number of times they call you. My parents rarely called- but I made sure I called them. It helped with the communication. If they need advanced notice on things, then that is easy to accommodate. Plan ahead. As they aged, I called more frequently.

Also, I have noticed that mothers and daughters tend to be closer -some of it is societal. This is even a greater phenomenon in the early years of grandparenthood.

We all get what we get. You are you because of your parents. They do not sound like they were abusive or neglectful- just different from you. They deserve some respect and accommodation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to update with an exact event from today. Note, my parents have not seen my DD in 3 months and DD is 7 months old, they live 30 minutes away. The below conversation was via text.

Mother: Do you and DD have any plans today?
(please note, the above is specifically excluding my wife)

Me: We're attending a community picnic today.
Mother: What about the weather?
Me: It's a combination indoor/outdoor event at community clubhouse, so weather is not an issue.
Me: I have time available after the picnic.
Mother: What time would that be around?
Me: Not entirely sure. Picnic goes from 12-5. We will probably arrive between 12-1 (we're making cookies that we signed up for now) and stay for a couple hours, so, probably available around 3?
Mother: 3 is kinda late for me because of fixing dinner.
Mother: Maybe another day.

I am confused, I thought you said they needed advance planning.

This text string seems fine. Given the mutual animosity between your wife and parents and the fact that your wife doesn't want to do things with them, I am not surprised they only address you. If you want things to change, go to a therapist and work through what you can and cannot do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have some good advice here. To summarize:

1) Mourn the fact that you don't have the parents you wish you did. That's a fact; don't feel guilty about it. You may have known this for a long time but it's more obvious now that you have your in-laws to compare them to.

2) Having said that, get over it and grow up. Your parents made you who you are. You may have moved beyond in education and profession, but they are still a big part of who you are. That is fine. They are not you and you are not they, but accept them for who they are, right now, and whatever they can/ want to give is great. So they'd rather watch the football game than visit your granddaughter. Big deal. They've earned the right to some peace and quiet. Your DD is probably a terror to be around much of the time, anyway.

3) It sounds like you and DW both need to cut some apron strings. You both need to focus on your new family. You said that moving away is not an option, and maybe not even desired, but there is something to be said for being in a new city, forced to make new friends and not having so much immediate family (with accompanying baggage) around all the time. Don't rule it out completely, even if just for a short time.

4) Your wife may "hate" your parents, but she better not ever let them know that. You need to have a talk with her about her role in this. Your parents should not be forced to socialize with her parents if they don't want to. And yes, your wife does owe your parents the respect of visiting them from time to time, being nice, and making an effort.

Anything else you want to know?

OP here. A few things to add.

2. Our daughter is actually very calm, well behaved. She's not even a year old yet.
3. Just to further clarify, the ONLY family local my in-laws and my parents. Everyone else, not local. My family, overall, is not very close and many will agree and say my parents are to blame. I have an older sister, she has a similar issue and doesn't care for my parents much but tolerates them.
4. It's well known that my wife does not like them and that they do not like my wife, no secret.

On the early comment that I should have thicker skin and not worry about what people say. I should probably ellaborate that I'm not worried about what they say an opinions, it's the fall out. For example, if I don't call my parents for 2 months (and they don't call me), my parents will tell my sister that I haven't contacted them and I'm keeping them from seeing their granddaughter. My sister will then contact me and for whatever reason, be on their side saying that I should make a better effort in trying to have my parents in my granddaughters life and if I'm not interested in doing that, that maybe I should see my nephews (her children) either.

Point is - it's a very childish "game" and it almost seems like no matter what, I'm on the losing end of the stick and somebody will suffer, which while I don't care if that somebody is me - I just feel like it will always be one of the children in the situation.

Hopefully that makes sense. It's quite complicated and really hard to lay everything out for a complete analysis in writing without missing other key points/events/actions.

1) Your child is still young. Your parents may warm up a bit when she is older and can interact more. My parents decided to be holiday and vacation parents- it was a bit of a bait and switch but it was hard to take at first, but then I learned to meet them where they are.

2) If your wife doesn’t like your parents, I can see why they do not want to come around more often. I would not want to be where I was not liked or loved and merely tolerated.

3) Call/facetime your parents once a week. Make that a thing. Ask them about their interests and share yours. Don’t bean count the number of times they call you. My parents rarely called- but I made sure I called them. It helped with the communication. If they need advanced notice on things, then that is easy to accommodate. Plan ahead. As they aged, I called more frequently.

Also, I have noticed that mothers and daughters tend to be closer -some of it is societal. This is even a greater phenomenon in the early years of grandparenthood.

We all get what we get. You are you because of your parents. They do not sound like they were abusive or neglectful- just different from you. They deserve some respect and accommodation.

One would hope that the child can interact more by now. I mean, this thread is seven years old so the kid should be nearing 8.