My parents are socially awkward, how do I handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have a very close relationship with her parents (my in-laws). They are very easy going, simple, positive personalities, etc. I feel as if we can call my in-laws and ask, "hey, are you free - want to stop by?" They'd say "sure", and could be here within the hour if they were available. I also don't feel like we need to clean up the house, as they're not judgmental people and understand that not everything needs to be a production or a "show".

My parents on the other hand, are the complete opposite. They only have maybe 2 friends, they don't socialize with neighbors, and overall - they're just "odd" people. Anything they're asked to do, you need to typically plan way in advance (a week or more is ideal), however, things like, "who's hosting Thanksgiving", you better put a stake in the ground on that question 1 year in advance. If my parents visit our home, they're the type to point out something that's dirty, or make an indirect comment about something being dirty and acting as if they never said anything.

The dilemma I have is that my in-laws and my parents both adore our daughter. My in-laws make every attempt to see my daughter, whether we ask if we can visit them or they ask to come here, etc. Bottom line, we see my in-laws on a weekly basis. My parents on the other hand, we might see them once every 2-3 months. They NEVER ask if they can come see us of if we can come visit them, but it's almost as if it's expected that I will always initiate the question of "would you like to see your granddaughter?" Just today I asked and they said they don't have time, that they already have plans to watch the ballgame (this being, they're going to sit in their basement and watch the Washington Redskins play the football game at 1PM. I find this odd, it's almost as if they prioritize a sports event over their grand-daughter, yet, they claim their grand-daughter is the best thing in the world.

My parents also refuse to interact with my in-laws, stemming back to an event they claimed that happened at my wedding almost 10 years ago. Apparently, my father-in-law never "thanked" my parents for coming to the wedding, so they claim he's rude and have no interest in interacting with him. Personally, I don't see why they were expecting a "thank you" for an event that he paid for. Additionally, I did comment to my mother that it's possible he did say thank you and she didn't hear him since she has horrendous hearing and refuses to wear her hearing aids. Point is, it's ridiculous and they need to get over it and move on. Also, both of my parents don't care much for my wife and my wife - well, she hates them. I'm not particularly fond of my parents, but I'm trying to put on an image as I feel its in the best interest of my daughter and anything that occurs with my parents, is always gossiped to the rest of the family on my side.

Personally, I think some of the grudge is based on the differences in lifestyle. My wife and I are very tech-savvy, upper-middle class, well educated, white collar professionals. My in-laws are the same. My parents, well, father was a HS graduate and worked in a blue collar job and loves his union. My mother dropped out of HS early to be a mother and feels her role is to cook/clean and support my father.

I feel like I'm in a very awkward situation and there really isn't a simple solution to it - and this will just be the relationship I need to juggle for my entire life. Jokingly, I did mention to my wife that the only way we can remove ourselves from this situation is by relocating somewhere out of state, given that we're now local to all family members. (this is not feasible, due to the nature of the work we do here in the DC area)

I'm curious and would like to receive some opinions on this from others. What is the issue with my parents? How do I handle them? Should I stop asking them if they want to see their grand-daughter and just wait until they ask? Based on their personality type, if I wait for them to ask and they finally ask, they will likely make some smart-ass comment to me and the rest of my family will agree that I was in the wrong for not asking them sooner, making their lack of socializing with their grand-daughter, my fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious and would like to receive some opinions on this from others. What is the issue with my parents? How do I handle them? Should I stop asking them if they want to see their grand-daughter and just wait until they ask? Based on their personality type, if I wait for them to ask and they finally ask, they will likely make some smart-ass comment to me and the rest of my family will agree that I was in the wrong for not asking them sooner, making their lack of socializing with their grand-daughter, my fault.

Well, we don't know what the issue is with your parents. I think you handle them as you are now. Don't stop asking completely but if there is no interest, cut back on the requests. You fear of other family members making a "smart ass comment" points to an insecurity of yours, not theirs. They're weird. Not trolling, that's the way it is, and you have to live with it. We can't pick our parents.

Oh. They won't change at this age.

Again, not trolling. Just laying out the facts.

[Anonymous]

Accept them for who they are, and accommodate their foibles to the limit of your sanity. This means you have to set boundaries on criticisms, and not fall over yourself remembering when to invite them or what to do over the Holidays. You have your own nuclear family and are now creating your own traditions and lifestyle.

I have parents with serious communication issues. They have 0 friends. Their own siblings find them weird. They live in their little bubble, and cannot handle a different way of life than their own, which poses problems if they go on vacation or visit somebody else's house.

So every day I think: "Mom and Dad are so lucky to have found each other!" Otherwise, I certainly wouldn't be here. Look on the bright side - they produced you, and somehow had enough good genes tucked away somewhere that made you more functional than they

[Anonymous]

... oh I forgot to say that in my parents case, there is some inattentive ADHD (which impacts organization) and debilitating anxiety going on, but that's not all of it. Anyway the diagnosis won't really help you.

Also, grow a thicker skin about your fear of comments. Both our families realized a long time ago that any accusation my parents make has to be taken with a Mt Everest of salt.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with weekly grandparents, and then once-a-year grandparents. I loved my yearly gran dparents just fine. It was just how things were. They'd fly in and come to our house for dinner, then see other family before flying home. I was 11 before I saw their house. Point is, it's okay to not be close to one set of grandparents. Stop trying so hard. They've told you repeatedly through their actions they are not interested. Listen to them.

Mourn the fact that you don't have with your parents the relationship you wish you had. If they talk shit about you to other family members, tell them if they have a problem with you the mature thing is to speak with you directly. If cousins ask for dirt, say its between you and your parents and don't want to gossip.

[Anonymous]

I find this odd, it's almost as if they prioritize a sports event over their grand-daughter, yet, they claim their grand-daughter is the best thing in the world

There are odd. You make it worse.
Stop with the demonizing conjecture.

[Anonymous]

They are odd

[Anonymous]

OP, you have some good advice here. To summarize:

1) Mourn the fact that you don't have the parents you wish you did. That's a fact; don't feel guilty about it. You may have known this for a long time but it's more obvious now that you have your in-laws to compare them to.

2) Having said that, get over it and grow up. Your parents made you who you are. You may have moved beyond in education and profession, but they are still a big part of who you are. That is fine. They are not you and you are not they, but accept them for who they are, right now, and whatever they can/ want to give is great. So they'd rather watch the football game than visit your granddaughter. Big deal. They've earned the right to some peace and quiet. Your DD is probably a terror to be around much of the time, anyway.

3) It sounds like you and DW both need to cut some apron strings. You both need to focus on your new family. You said that moving away is not an option, and maybe not even desired, but there is something to be said for being in a new city, forced to make new friends and not having so much immediate family (with accompanying baggage) around all the time. Don't rule it out completely, even if just for a short time.

4) Your wife may "hate" your parents, but she better not ever let them know that. You need to have a talk with her about her role in this. Your parents should not be forced to socialize with her parents if they don't want to. And yes, your wife does owe your parents the respect of visiting them from time to time, being nice, and making an effort.

Anything else you want to know?

[Anonymous]

OP - you are so Italy awkward as well. If you weren't, you would have been able to figure out how to not alienate your parents in so ail situations and not be embarrassed by them. Maybe they are nervous and intimidated by you and your ILs. Don't poke fun at them for it and say how they are social awkward, instead be open to that and help them feel included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have some good advice here. To summarize:

1) Mourn the fact that you don't have the parents you wish you did. That's a fact; don't feel guilty about it. You may have known this for a long time but it's more obvious now that you have your in-laws to compare them to.

2) Having said that, get over it and grow up. Your parents made you who you are. You may have moved beyond in education and profession, but they are still a big part of who you are. That is fine. They are not you and you are not they, but accept them for who they are, right now, and whatever they can/ want to give is great. So they'd rather watch the football game than visit your granddaughter. Big deal. They've earned the right to some peace and quiet. Your DD is probably a terror to be around much of the time, anyway.

3) It sounds like you and DW both need to cut some apron strings. You both need to focus on your new family. You said that moving away is not an option, and maybe not even desired, but there is something to be said for being in a new city, forced to make new friends and not having so much immediate family (with accompanying baggage) around all the time. Don't rule it out completely, even if just for a short time.

4) Your wife may "hate" your parents, but she better not ever let them know that. You need to have a talk with her about her role in this. Your parents should not be forced to socialize with her parents if they don't want to. And yes, your wife does owe your parents the respect of visiting them from time to time, being nice, and making an effort.

Anything else you want to know?

OP here. A few things to add.

2. Our daughter is actually very calm, well behaved. She's not even a year old yet.
3. Just to further clarify, the ONLY family local my in-laws and my parents. Everyone else, not local. My family, overall, is not very close and many will agree and say my parents are to blame. I have an older sister, she has a similar issue and doesn't care for my parents much but tolerates them.
4. It's well known that my wife does not like them and that they do not like my wife, no secret.

On the early comment that I should have thicker skin and not worry about what people say. I should probably ellaborate that I'm not worried about what they say an opinions, it's the fall out. For example, if I don't call my parents for 2 months (and they don't call me), my parents will tell my sister that I haven't contacted them and I'm keeping them from seeing their granddaughter. My sister will then contact me and for whatever reason, be on their side saying that I should make a better effort in trying to have my parents in my granddaughters life and if I'm not interested in doing that, that maybe I should see my nephews (her children) either.

Point is - it's a very childish "game" and it almost seems like no matter what, I'm on the losing end of the stick and somebody will suffer, which while I don't care if that somebody is me - I just feel like it will always be one of the children in the situation.

Hopefully that makes sense. It's quite complicated and really hard to lay everything out for a complete analysis in writing without missing other key points/events/actions.

[Anonymous]

Just keep inviting them. Actually, given that your wife hates them and they don't like her, consider things you could do with your parents and daughter out of your house. Like the zoo or a park near their house. They probably feel like you and your wife (and probably her parents) are snobby and think your parents are beneath you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep inviting them. Actually, given that your wife hates them and they don't like her, consider things you could do with your parents and daughter out of your house. Like the zoo or a park near their house. They probably feel like you and your wife (and probably her parents) are snobby and think your parents are beneath you.

This is the best idea yet. I appreciate the feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. A few things to add.

2. Our daughter is actually very calm, well behaved. She's not even a year old yet.
3. Just to further clarify, the ONLY family local my in-laws and my parents. Everyone else, not local. My family, overall, is not very close and many will agree and say my parents are to blame. I have an older sister, she has a similar issue and doesn't care for my parents much but tolerates them.
4. It's well known that my wife does not like them and that they do not like my wife, no secret.

On the early comment that I should have thicker skin and not worry about what people say. I should probably ellaborate that I'm not worried about what they say an opinions, it's the fall out. For example, if I don't call my parents for 2 months (and they don't call me), my parents will tell my sister that I haven't contacted them and I'm keeping them from seeing their granddaughter. My sister will then contact me and for whatever reason, be on their side saying that I should make a better effort in trying to have my parents in my granddaughters life and if I'm not interested in doing that, that maybe I should see my nephews (her children) either.

Point is - it's a very childish "game" and it almost seems like no matter what, I'm on the losing end of the stick and somebody will suffer, which while I don't care if that somebody is me - I just feel like it will always be one of the children in the situation.

Hopefully that makes sense. It's quite complicated and really hard to lay everything out for a complete analysis in writing without missing other key points/events/actions.

12:02 here.

We all understand that situations like yours are complex, have built up over time, and that you're not going to divulge all your life details on this site. However my advice to you hasn't changed. You should contact your parents more than once every two months, and if you don't, your sister is quite reasonable in taking their side. Your parents aren't abusive, they're not drug addicts or schizophrenic, are they? They're merely difficult and strange. It's not *that* bad, OP, and you can call them every week or so. Keep it brief and upbeat.
I have come close to cutting my own parents off, after some really cruel things they did and said. I finally decided not to, and call them twice a week on average, just like before. It keeps the demons at bay.

Honestly, you sound young, OP. I'm 35 and have had plenty of time to mull over my parents' weirdness, and how to respond to it. Perhaps you need a little time too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. A few things to add.

2. Our daughter is actually very calm, well behaved. She's not even a year old yet.
3. Just to further clarify, the ONLY family local my in-laws and my parents. Everyone else, not local. My family, overall, is not very close and many will agree and say my parents are to blame. I have an older sister, she has a similar issue and doesn't care for my parents much but tolerates them.
4. It's well known that my wife does not like them and that they do not like my wife, no secret.

On the early comment that I should have thicker skin and not worry about what people say. I should probably ellaborate that I'm not worried about what they say an opinions, it's the fall out. For example, if I don't call my parents for 2 months (and they don't call me), my parents will tell my sister that I haven't contacted them and I'm keeping them from seeing their granddaughter. My sister will then contact me and for whatever reason, be on their side saying that I should make a better effort in trying to have my parents in my granddaughters life and if I'm not interested in doing that, that maybe I should see my nephews (her children) either.

Point is - it's a very childish "game" and it almost seems like no matter what, I'm on the losing end of the stick and somebody will suffer, which while I don't care if that somebody is me - I just feel like it will always be one of the children in the situation.

Hopefully that makes sense. It's quite complicated and really hard to lay everything out for a complete analysis in writing without missing other key points/events/actions.

12:02 here.

We all understand that situations like yours are complex, have built up over time, and that you're not going to divulge all your life details on this site. However my advice to you hasn't changed. You should contact your parents more than once every two months, and if you don't, your sister is quite reasonable in taking their side. Your parents aren't abusive, they're not drug addicts or schizophrenic, are they? They're merely difficult and strange. It's not *that* bad, OP, and you can call them every week or so. Keep it brief and upbeat.
I have come close to cutting my own parents off, after some really cruel things they did and said. I finally decided not to, and call them twice a week on average, just like before. It keeps the demons at bay.

Honestly, you sound young, OP. I'm 35 and have had plenty of time to mull over my parents' weirdness, and how to respond to it. Perhaps you need a little time too.

+1 to all of this. And how old are you OP? Guessing that you married relatively young and you and your wife are still in your 20s. Nothing wrong with that of course, but maturity and perspective will help this situation and that usually takes many years of this (that you sound like you don't have) under your belt.

Oh and one other thing, and trust me when I say this. Your parents will be gone one day and you will miss them more than you can imagine, no matter how hard this all seems now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have some good advice here. To summarize:

1) Mourn the fact that you don't have the parents you wish you did. That's a fact; don't feel guilty about it. You may have known this for a long time but it's more obvious now that you have your in-laws to compare them to.

2) Having said that, get over it and grow up. Your parents made you who you are. You may have moved beyond in education and profession, but they are still a big part of who you are. That is fine. They are not you and you are not they, but accept them for who they are, right now, and whatever they can/ want to give is great. So they'd rather watch the football game than visit your granddaughter. Big deal. They've earned the right to some peace and quiet. Your DD is probably a terror to be around much of the time, anyway.

3) It sounds like you and DW both need to cut some apron strings. You both need to focus on your new family. You said that moving away is not an option, and maybe not even desired, but there is something to be said for being in a new city, forced to make new friends and not having so much immediate family (with accompanying baggage) around all the time. Don't rule it out completely, even if just for a short time.

4) Your wife may "hate" your parents, but she better not ever let them know that. You need to have a talk with her about her role in this. Your parents should not be forced to socialize with her parents if they don't want to. And yes, your wife does owe your parents the respect of visiting them from time to time, being nice, and making an effort.

Anything else you want to know?

OP here. A few things to add.

2. Our daughter is actually very calm, well behaved. She's not even a year old yet.
3. Just to further clarify, the ONLY family local my in-laws and my parents. Everyone else, not local. My family, overall, is not very close and many will agree and say my parents are to blame. I have an older sister, she has a similar issue and doesn't care for my parents much but tolerates them.
4. It's well known that my wife does not like them and that they do not like my wife, no secret.

On the early comment that I should have thicker skin and not worry about what people say. I should probably ellaborate that I'm not worried about what they say an opinions, it's the fall out. For example, if I don't call my parents for 2 months (and they don't call me), my parents will tell my sister that I haven't contacted them and I'm keeping them from seeing their granddaughter. My sister will then contact me and for whatever reason, be on their side saying that I should make a better effort in trying to have my parents in my granddaughters life and if I'm not interested in doing that, that maybe I should see my nephews (her children) either.

Point is - it's a very childish "game" and it almost seems like no matter what, I'm on the losing end of the stick and somebody will suffer, which while I don't care if that somebody is me - I just feel like it will always be one of the children in the situation.

Hopefully that makes sense. It's quite complicated and really hard to lay everything out for a complete analysis in writing without missing other key points/events/actions.

If you are allowing this to go on, and your wife continues to indulge in the luxury of "hating" your parents -- thus making her parents look like the heroes and hey isn't that easier for her all around -- then you two are the ones who are being childish. Not your parents.