My parents are socially awkward, how do I handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

You are so condescending, OP. Ooh, I am so educated, ooh, they only their HS education, ooh, my ILs are much more easy going. I am with your parents, you sound rude and obnoxious. I'd stay away from your family.

[Anonymous]

Was getting set to reply when I saw how old the thread is.

Who are these weirdos that need something these days to get hot up under their collar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have a very close relationship with her parents (my in-laws). They are very easy going, simple, positive personalities, etc. I feel as if we can call my in-laws and ask, "hey, are you free - want to stop by?" They'd say "sure", and could be here within the hour if they were available. I also don't feel like we need to clean up the house, as they're not judgmental people and understand that not everything needs to be a production or a "show".

My parents on the other hand, are the complete opposite. They only have maybe 2 friends, they don't socialize with neighbors, and overall - they're just "odd" people. Anything they're asked to do, you need to typically plan way in advance (a week or more is ideal), however, things like, "who's hosting Thanksgiving", you better put a stake in the ground on that question 1 year in advance. If my parents visit our home, they're the type to point out something that's dirty, or make an indirect comment about something being dirty and acting as if they never said anything.

The dilemma I have is that my in-laws and my parents both adore our daughter. My in-laws make every attempt to see my daughter, whether we ask if we can visit them or they ask to come here, etc. Bottom line, we see my in-laws on a weekly basis. My parents on the other hand, we might see them once every 2-3 months. They NEVER ask if they can come see us of if we can come visit them, but it's almost as if it's expected that I will always initiate the question of "would you like to see your granddaughter?" Just today I asked and they said they don't have time, that they already have plans to watch the ballgame (this being, they're going to sit in their basement and watch the Washington Redskins play the football game at 1PM. I find this odd, it's almost as if they prioritize a sports event over their grand-daughter, yet, they claim their grand-daughter is the best thing in the world.

My parents also refuse to interact with my in-laws, stemming back to an event they claimed that happened at my wedding almost 10 years ago. Apparently, my father-in-law never "thanked" my parents for coming to the wedding, so they claim he's rude and have no interest in interacting with him. Personally, I don't see why they were expecting a "thank you" for an event that he paid for. Additionally, I did comment to my mother that it's possible he did say thank you and she didn't hear him since she has horrendous hearing and refuses to wear her hearing aids. Point is, it's ridiculous and they need to get over it and move on. Also, both of my parents don't care much for my wife and my wife - well, she hates them. I'm not particularly fond of my parents, but I'm trying to put on an image as I feel its in the best interest of my daughter and anything that occurs with my parents, is always gossiped to the rest of the family on my side.

Personally, I think some of the grudge is based on the differences in lifestyle. My wife and I are very tech-savvy, upper-middle class, well educated, white collar professionals. My in-laws are the same. My parents, well, father was a HS graduate and worked in a blue collar job and loves his union. My mother dropped out of HS early to be a mother and feels her role is to cook/clean and support my father.

I feel like I'm in a very awkward situation and there really isn't a simple solution to it - and this will just be the relationship I need to juggle for my entire life. Jokingly, I did mention to my wife that the only way we can remove ourselves from this situation is by relocating somewhere out of state, given that we're now local to all family members. (this is not feasible, due to the nature of the work we do here in the DC area)

I'm curious and would like to receive some opinions on this from others. What is the issue with my parents? How do I handle them? Should I stop asking them if they want to see their grand-daughter and just wait until they ask? Based on their personality type, if I wait for them to ask and they finally ask, they will likely make some smart-ass comment to me and the rest of my family will agree that I was in the wrong for not asking them sooner, making their lack of socializing with their grand-daughter, my fault.

There really is a simple solution, it just depends on whether you want it or not. You have to accept that you need to improve your own social skills and you have to start liking your parents.

Maybe your parents are odd but they are your parents and you don't seem to indicate they were bad people or treated you bad or they are toxic. Sure you want them act a different way but they have probably thought the exact same about you throughout your life.

Your parents don't care about being thanked, they care that they couldn't pay for the wedding and they feel less than. And it's likely that your better lifestyle as you said reinforces this feeling each time. You don't even notice but every time you all are together with your in laws, you talk about whatever new trapping or gadget you have. It's a subtle dig but you think well we are just making conversation. Sometimes you are but it devolves into exclusion. It's just you don't notice anymore because in a way you think if you keep leaving them out they will want to know about those things, learn about those things and then not be so odd anymore. And then it doesn't happen and each interaction, each get together makes your parents feel a little bit more behind, a little bit more like they failed, and a little less like seeing you because who wants to do that. Instead, and this is where the social skills you need to work on, take a minute during these discussions to pause and think is this conversation being inclusive to those in the room, could this make some feel awkward, and if the answer is yes start working on the skills to shift the conversation to something else in a less obvious way.

Your parents think it rude if they call and invite themselves over. Just read posts on this forum to understand that some people are ok inviting themselves and others feel it is rude and one should wait to be invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you are so Italy awkward as well. If you weren't, you would have been able to figure out how to not alienate your parents in so ail situations and not be embarrassed by them. Maybe they are nervous and intimidated by you and your ILs. Don't poke fun at them for it and say how they are social awkward, instead be open to that and help them feel included.

This. You are a shitty son. I hope to God my brothers don't turn out like you when they are all married. This is why women prefer daughters, a daughter is less likely to speak this way of her parents than a jerk son like OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the last several posts were very thoughtful and I appreciate it. In fact, the poster from 18:47 (on page 2), the additional detail you describe in additional scenarios you go through, also match others I didn't outline in my post. So yes, I think you and I have the same exact situation.

Maybe you are my wife posting? LOL

Either way, I appreciate everyone's input and atleast I know I'm not the only one trying to balance this situation. Like an earlier poster said, it's a very delicate dance/game and you almost need to think through the entire gathering/event in advance to ensure something doesn't happen.

One other scenario I will share that came to mind.

My parents made a comment to me that they "know" my wife doesn't care for them because she didn't great them at the front door back on (pick a date from a couple years ago). Keep in mind, this comment will come out of the blue. Of course, I can't remember EXACTLY what my wife was doing that exact day, but it was either she was in the kitchen pulling something out of the oven, or maybe she was holding our daughter and feeding her, or maybe she was sitting on the can at the very moment they rang the doorbell. Either way, a situation as minor as that, they will never forget for years and potentially bring it up in subsequent conversations.

Again, this is something isolated, but that type of behavior is what is to expect.

But your wife really hates them, so while the specific example might seem weird, they are right about her sentiment.

[Anonymous]

My parents are socially awkward introverts and at 19, I MOVED ACROSS THE OCEAN to avoid dealing with their craziness, passive-aggressiveness, shaming and guilting.

If you can't move, just ignore them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. You sound just like my husband. His parents are just straight up weird. My DH is an only child, these are the only grandchildren, yet my ILs won't see the kids 90% of the times we invite them because "they're so busy" or "have a lot on their plates." He is retired, she works from home part time, they live 15 minutes from us. They hate me, hate my parents, think we are snobs and look down on them, etc., etc. Your story is really, really familiar.
And I don't have great advice but I do want to say I'm so sorry. It's really sad and hard what you're going through. Give your self some time and patience to feel really angry and cheated and sad. And by the way, give that same grace to your wife. At least for me, I so wanted a close relationship with my ILs. It took my a long time to really mourn the fact that this other family I joined really doesn't like me or want anything to do with me. It's a very sad thing. And we're sad for our kids that their young, geographically close grandparents don't lift a finger to see them (But don't hesitate to talk shit about all of us to the rest of the family and imply/outright lie that we keep them from the kids).

I'm sorry. They're toxic people. Stay aligned with your wife, have her back, do your best to hold your head up nd don't let it discourage you. I got some therapy and it helped a lot. You might want to try that also.

[Anonymous]

Every week, you call and say "Can Larlita (Grand daughter) and I, swing by for 30 minutes because she wants to meet you?" And do it.

If they say that they are watching a game say "Great! Can we come by? What can we bring?"

Keep your interactions limited to - a weekly 30 minutes. Also, do the same with your uncles, aunts and cousins from your side.

Then, every once a while, you throw an outdoors party for the whole your side of the family, your parents, their siblings and spouse and their family. If they are outdoors, they will not comment on your house, and you can just order pizza or something...

You can't change your parents. They are who they are. You can certainly manage your interactions and relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

My mom and stepdad sound similar to yours. I get it. None of my family is close and we've all just accepted that we don't see each other a lot.

Could you initiate a standing "date night" type thing where they're always invited the first sunday of the month or whatever and they can choose to come or not, but they loose complaining rights if they don't?

[Anonymous]

Does anyone care that this thread is 7 years old? Or, do you just like contributing to defunct conversations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone care that this thread is 7 years old? Or, do you just like contributing to defunct conversations?

Probably 75% (pulling this out of the air) of the posts on this forum are similar themes. The same problems discussed ad nauseam. Doesn't matter if this thread is old. People can bring their own personal grievances to this thread and get some satisfaction. Like a cow bringing back up and chewing its cud.

[Anonymous]

Your parents sound aspergers. Or at least one of them and the. The other one so much they shut down socially too.

I wouldnt worry about offending anyone here. Extreme introverts and people who can’t read the room prefer to stay safely at home, where fewer misunderstandings can happen versus the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone care that this thread is 7 years old? Or, do you just like contributing to defunct conversations?

Probably 75% (pulling this out of the air) of the posts on this forum are similar themes. The same problems discussed ad nauseam. Doesn't matter if this thread is old. People can bring their own personal grievances to this thread and get some satisfaction. Like a cow bringing back up and chewing its cud.

No one would care if this thread was 7 years old or 700 years old. Complaining about your parents/inlaws and then complaining about those who complain about parents/inlaws are timeless topics, it appears.

People will just sail on by and go on babbling for another 10 pages of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you are so Italy awkward as well. If you weren't, you would have been able to figure out how to not alienate your parents in so ail situations and not be embarrassed by them. Maybe they are nervous and intimidated by you and your ILs. Don't poke fun at them for it and say how they are social awkward, instead be open to that and help them feel included.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Your parents sound just like mine. It’s frustrating