My parents are socially awkward, how do I handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this. Contrast to Arab grandparents on the other side who are smothering with love (in a good way).

I was lucky that I got to see my parents' relationship with my nephew before my kid was born. Where they were mediocre to sometimes emotionally abusive PARENTS, they were amazing GRANDPARENTS. After the kid was about 3, at least. Some people can't relate to babies at all.

My mother made it clear she would never babysit my son, and actually told everyone who'd listen that she was disappointed he wasn't a girl. She really wanted a girl because our whole famliy's a bunch of boys (and me, hello, but I was a tom boy who didn't fit her image of Barbie doll). And she was what I call a picture and present grandma. She adored pictures of my son and showed them to anyone who was interested. Bragged about him. But never really spent any time with him. Until he was about 4. And then the magic began.

I "can't" say that will happen for you, but it might. However, I do think part of being a parent is fostering your child's relationships with extended family. And you'll have to navigate their eccentricities. The caveat here is don't expose your kid to dysfunctional stuff. Boundaries are good.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I missed something but this seems simple. They don't initiate and they like at least a weeks notice. How about a standing once a month dinner. They love your grandkids, make this happen.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps they recognize that your wife hates them, you are ashamed of them for their blue. Olof roots and weirdness and they keep a respectable distance so as not to aggravate what is already a hurtful situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have some good advice here. To summarize:

1) Mourn the fact that you don't have the parents you wish you did. That's a fact; don't feel guilty about it. You may have known this for a long time but it's more obvious now that you have your in-laws to compare them to.

2) Having said that, get over it and grow up. Your parents made you who you are. You may have moved beyond in education and profession, but they are still a big part of who you are. That is fine. They are not you and you are not they, but accept them for who they are, right now, and whatever they can/ want to give is great. So they'd rather watch the football game than visit your granddaughter. Big deal. They've earned the right to some peace and quiet. Your DD is probably a terror to be around much of the time, anyway.

3) It sounds like you and DW both need to cut some apron strings. You both need to focus on your new family. You said that moving away is not an option, and maybe not even desired, but there is something to be said for being in a new city, forced to make new friends and not having so much immediate family (with accompanying baggage) around all the time. Don't rule it out completely, even if just for a short time.

4) Your wife may "hate" your parents, but she better not ever let them know that. You need to have a talk with her about her role in this. Your parents should not be forced to socialize with her parents if they don't want to. And yes, your wife does owe your parents the respect of visiting them from time to time, being nice, and making an effort.

Anything else you want to know?

OP here. A few things to add.

2. Our daughter is actually very calm, well behaved. She's not even a year old yet.
3. Just to further clarify, the ONLY family local my in-laws and my parents. Everyone else, not local. My family, overall, is not very close and many will agree and say my parents are to blame. I have an older sister, she has a similar issue and doesn't care for my parents much but tolerates them.
4. It's well known that my wife does not like them and that they do not like my wife, no secret.

On the early comment that I should have thicker skin and not worry about what people say. I should probably ellaborate that I'm not worried about what they say an opinions, it's the fall out. For example, if I don't call my parents for 2 months (and they don't call me), my parents will tell my sister that I haven't contacted them and I'm keeping them from seeing their granddaughter. My sister will then contact me and for whatever reason, be on their side saying that I should make a better effort in trying to have my parents in my granddaughters life and if I'm not interested in doing that, that maybe I should see my nephews (her children) either.

Point is - it's a very childish "game" and it almost seems like no matter what, I'm on the losing end of the stick and somebody will suffer, which while I don't care if that somebody is me - I just feel like it will always be one of the children in the situation.

Hopefully that makes sense. It's quite complicated and really hard to lay everything out for a complete analysis in writing without missing other key points/events/actions.

Make spontaneous to call them once a week and invite them when there is an event for your daughter -about once a month ( in advance, when you know in advance). That should be sufficient. They can choose which events to participate. Then don't listen when they complain. Let it wash over you and keep one going. If hugely complain about something being dirty, try humor and agree with them.

With parents, you get get what you get. Mine chose to be vacation and holiday grandparents, instead of in their lives grandparents. It was a bit of a bait and switch and I mourned that they did not do more. They are not to local, we had to go to them 3 times out of 4 - so the kids saw them about once a season. It is what it is. Age plays a factor ( mine) as does number of other established grandchildren ( in- laws). My in-laws were burnt out from 9 previous grandchildren, so my children got the short end of the stick with them too.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea where spontaneous came from in my post. Call your parents once a week - not spontaneously, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I find this odd, it's almost as if they prioritize a sports event over their grand-daughter, yet, they claim their grand-daughter is the best thing in the world

There are odd. You make it worse.
Stop with the demonizing conjecture.

That is not that unusual. I have friends who won't do anything else if their college team is playing football, so you can't plan anything on a Saturday during the fall.

You should keep inviting them, but do it 2 weeks in advance. "Would you like to come to dinner on October 3rd?" THen you have time to clean your house, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps they recognize that your wife hates them, you are ashamed of them for their blue. Olof roots and weirdness and they keep a respectable distance so as not to aggravate what is already a hurtful situation.

+1

[Anonymous]

This thread could have been started by my husband (I thought it was but our children are older and we've been together longer). I can completely empathize with the OP. I have his parents as my in-laws but throw in a super controlling FIL who is just a downright jerk to everyone including his wife, and add that they are incapable of reading social cues.

From the DIL perspective, it is very, very difficult to be around people who not only have nothing in coming with you but also don't give a rats ass about you or your family. If OP's parents are as similar as it sounds to my in-laws, they probably never, ever ask about how OP, his wife or his daughter are doing or what they have going on in their lives.

OP- could you just plan, way in advance, meeting up with your parents in a controlled environment like a restaurant or park? Then your interaction with them can be for a set time and a set purposes and they can still have some form of relationship with your daughter.

Another suggestion would be spending time with them without your wife. I'm sure all parties would be onboard with that.

Given all the bitching that goes on in DCUM regarding many challenging in-law relationships I am truly surprised so many people are giving you such a hard time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread could have been started by my husband (I thought it was but our children are older and we've been together longer). I can completely empathize with the OP. I have his parents as my in-laws but throw in a super controlling FIL who is just a downright jerk to everyone including his wife, and add that they are incapable of reading social cues.

From the DIL perspective, it is very, very difficult to be around people who not only have nothing in coming with you but also don't give a rats ass about you or your family. If OP's parents are as similar as it sounds to my in-laws, they probably never, ever ask about how OP, his wife or his daughter are doing or what they have going on in their lives.

OP- could you just plan, way in advance, meeting up with your parents in a controlled environment like a restaurant or park? Then your interaction with them can be for a set time and a set purposes and they can still have some form of relationship with your daughter.

Another suggestion would be spending time with them without your wife. I'm sure all parties would be onboard with that.

Given all the bitching that goes on in DCUM regarding many challenging in-law relationships I am truly surprised so many people are giving you such a hard time.

OP here, you're spot on. They never ask.

To the others asking about age, DW and I are in our upper 30's, this has been going on for well over 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps they recognize that your wife hates them, you are ashamed of them for their blue. Olof roots and weirdness and they keep a respectable distance so as not to aggravate what is already a hurtful situation.

+100 You seem ashamed of your family and let your wife disrespect your parents while falling for the charm of hers. Not a very loyal son.

[Anonymous]

I love how people are piling it on in this thread but there are 10,000 DIL's posting in this forum about how horrible their MIL is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread could have been started by my husband (I thought it was but our children are older and we've been together longer). I can completely empathize with the OP. I have his parents as my in-laws but throw in a super controlling FIL who is just a downright jerk to everyone including his wife, and add that they are incapable of reading social cues.

From the DIL perspective, it is very, very difficult to be around people who not only have nothing in coming with you but also don't give a rats ass about you or your family. If OP's parents are as similar as it sounds to my in-laws, they probably never, ever ask about how OP, his wife or his daughter are doing or what they have going on in their lives.

OP- could you just plan, way in advance, meeting up with your parents in a controlled environment like a restaurant or park? Then your interaction with them can be for a set time and a set purposes and they can still have some form of relationship with your daughter.

Another suggestion would be spending time with them without your wife. I'm sure all parties would be onboard with that.

Given all the bitching that goes on in DCUM regarding many challenging in-law relationships I am truly surprised so many people are giving you such a hard time.

OP here, you're spot on. They never ask.

To the others asking about age, DW and I are in our upper 30's, this has been going on for well over 10 years.

I think this is because OP is giving the impression that he is still a child himself, caught up in the drama of being "embarrassed" by his parents, as we all were when we were maybe 13. He has turned that into feelings of how-dare-you when they don't want to spend time with their granddaughter, and conveniently married a woman who "hates" them, to support his cover.

OP, as several PPs have said, they are what they are. They are not going to change at this point. Why you can't embrace that and appreciate the good that they do/ could offer, says more about you than about them.

[Anonymous]

On the early comment that I should have thicker skin and not worry about what people say. I should probably ellaborate that I'm not worried about what they say an opinions, it's the fall out. For example, if I don't call my parents for 2 months (and they don't call me), my parents will tell my sister that I haven't contacted them and I'm keeping them from seeing their granddaughter. My sister will then contact me and for whatever reason, be on their side saying that I should make a better effort in trying to have my parents in my granddaughters life and if I'm not interested in doing that, that maybe I should see my nephews (her children) either.

Point is - it's a very childish "game" and it almost seems like no matter what, I'm on the losing end of the stick and somebody will suffer, which while I don't care if that somebody is me - I just feel like it will always be one of the children in the situation.

You need to let go of the guilt. Relationships are two way streets. Your parents want you to do the heavy lifting in the relationship and you (and your sister) go along with it. Talk about manipulative! You can't see your nephews if your parents don't see your DD?! WTF!

I know it sounds cliche but counseling really would help you figure out why this dynamic with your parents is unhealthy and what you can do about it so you feel good about it. I've got a lot of sympathy for your DW. It's got to be tough seeing this. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am your wife in the situation. My MIL has never had a friend-my husband has never seen a woman in his childhood home besides his aunts 1-2x per year for holidays. When I married into his family, I was the first female his mother had to socialize with in 30 + years. (She worked as a secretary to a small town lawyer and her entire office was her and this attorney for 30 years.) The money/class dynamic is the same, and the mutual dislike is the same.
They also never ever ask how we are doing, expect to be waited on when they visit (including inmediately after childbirth), guilt my DH that they never see the grandkids but get bored and retreat to read or watch TV alone after more than a few hours, and are disappointed and express their disappointment if one of the children is sick on "their day". I could go on forever, but you get drift.
We deal with it by inviting for specific events, in writing, weeks in advance, and make 50% of those outings only my DH and children. It is business like and stiff in the arrangements, due to having to follow up, remind them if they don't let us know we need to be able to plan something else (due to multiple last minute cancellations) and have to work really hard to "manage" the conversation, change the subject when the complaining gets out of hand, etc.
I know it sounds harsh to people not in this situation, but we have to treat them delicately, it's almost a dance to make sure they have fun but don't, for example, insist on treating to dinner and then challenge the waitress on how the food is too expensive and leave a $2 tip. Seriously draining but we have learned to manage it.

[Anonymous]

I'm also the wife if this situation (a little shocked at how common this is). No regard or caring for DH, myself or the kids. My FIL is very competitive with everyone so he always has a story to one-up any conversation. My in-laws insist on us picking up the bill for meals out, even though they are actually doing better off financially than we are. So we have had to resort to going for pizza or some other economical option when they visit. They also expect us to celebrate all of their milestones but never reciprocate. When we do get together, the conversation is always about what they ate recently or how bad traffic was- they can go on forever on those topics. Very superficial and they never ask us anything, even when DH had major medical issues or when a DC had a broken limb. Or we sit around and stare at each other with no one saying a word (we've done this for an hour or more from time to time). Very awkward and uncomfortable and no fun for anyone but maybe them.

We've severely limited our contact with them. We set up meetings with them far in advance, like the PP. My DH has yet to take one for the team by allowing me not to participate in all of these gatherings but I am working on it. My in-laws are chronically early (like and hour or more each and every time) so we set up meeting with then an hour later than we want them here. We've also had to resort to scheduling these meetings with an end time. If we didn't they would stay for eight hours twiddling their thumbs in our living room.

I can't figure them out. I've tried everything to have a normal relationship with them. Hey are just very very odd people.