My parents are socially awkward, how do I handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you are so Italy awkward as well. If you weren't, you would have been able to figure out how to not alienate your parents in so ail situations and not be embarrassed by them. Maybe they are nervous and intimidated by you and your ILs. Don't poke fun at them for it and say how they are social awkward, instead be open to that and help them feel included.

I know this is an old thread, but this is the best autocorrect ever!

[Anonymous]

So you wife hate them. Guess it is for the best they aren’t over weekly. It doesn’t sound like you like them much either- you should be glad they are distant in that case. Honestly, weekly visits and constant calls and request for “grandkid” time is exhausting too, especially when you don’t really care for them. Trust me, your situation is better than the alternative. Invite them over when it is convenient to you. If they come, ok. If not, oh well. Stop investing so much thought into what isn’t a problem

[Anonymous]

Asperger’s???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have some good advice here. To summarize:

1) Mourn the fact that you don't have the parents you wish you did. That's a fact; don't feel guilty about it. You may have known this for a long time but it's more obvious now that you have your in-laws to compare them to.

2) Having said that, get over it and grow up. Your parents made you who you are. You may have moved beyond in education and profession, but they are still a big part of who you are. That is fine. They are not you and you are not they, but accept them for who they are, right now, and whatever they can/ want to give is great. So they'd rather watch the football game than visit your granddaughter. Big deal. They've earned the right to some peace and quiet. Your DD is probably a terror to be around much of the time, anyway.

3) It sounds like you and DW both need to cut some apron strings. You both need to focus on your new family. You said that moving away is not an option, and maybe not even desired, but there is something to be said for being in a new city, forced to make new friends and not having so much immediate family (with accompanying baggage) around all the time. Don't rule it out completely, even if just for a short time.

4) Your wife may "hate" your parents, but she better not ever let them know that. You need to have a talk with her about her role in this. Your parents should not be forced to socialize with her parents if they don't want to. And yes, your wife does owe your parents the respect of visiting them from time to time, being nice, and making an effort.

Anything else you want to know?

OP here. A few things to add.

2. Our daughter is actually very calm, well behaved. She's not even a year old yet.
3. Just to further clarify, the ONLY family local my in-laws and my parents. Everyone else, not local. My family, overall, is not very close and many will agree and say my parents are to blame. I have an older sister, she has a similar issue and doesn't care for my parents much but tolerates them.
4. It's well known that my wife does not like them and that they do not like my wife, no secret.

On the early comment that I should have thicker skin and not worry about what people say. I should probably ellaborate that I'm not worried about what they say an opinions, it's the fall out. For example, if I don't call my parents for 2 months (and they don't call me), my parents will tell my sister that I haven't contacted them and I'm keeping them from seeing their granddaughter. My sister will then contact me and for whatever reason, be on their side saying that I should make a better effort in trying to have my parents in my granddaughters life and if I'm not interested in doing that, that maybe I should see my nephews (her children) either.

Point is - it's a very childish "game" and it almost seems like no matter what, I'm on the losing end of the stick and somebody will suffer, which while I don't care if that somebody is me - I just feel like it will always be one of the children in the situation.

Hopefully that makes sense. It's quite complicated and really hard to lay everything out for a complete analysis in writing without missing other key points/events/actions.

NP here. I could have written a lot of what you wrote. Some people are just dislikable, and sometimes those dislikable people are our parents. And if they weren’t our parents we’d have nothing to do with them. But alas, we try because it’s the right thing to do. Or we get used to telling ourselves that. Even though every interaction is negative and often ends with why the heck am I putting myself and my spouse through this, life is too short. My parents never learned how to act. They grew up insulated with a lot of fear of the others. It’s hard to talk to them. They literally do not know how to converse pleasantly. It’s cut to the chase I want this and that tell me this and that. Even my 9 year older doesn’t like talking to them.

So I cut our calls short. I know that if I had 24 hours left on this earth I wouldn’t want to waste it listening to FOX news talking points or comments about my parenting or 20 questions about things that aren’t their business.

Limit your interactions. Best thing you can do other than estrangement.

[Anonymous]

How about a contest where we revive really old threads and see how many pages will accumulate of inane responses to people who have probably moved to Sacramento and left their DCUM problems long behind years ago?

[Anonymous]

I have very odd parents and I try to separate them from the rest of the family as much as possible.
I support the idea of seeing them without your wife, maybe even give them a schedule, lol!
And don’t pay attention if they start complaining, just see then as often as you prefer.

[Anonymous]

Do people really just read the original post then reply, not even skimming the most recent posts? This post is 6 years old.[i][u]

[Anonymous]

Set up a regular visit from your parents, say, every other Saturday for dinner. They come in the afternoon and stay until DD’s bedtime. Make it a regular routine.

If I were the groom’s mother and the bride’s father thanked me for coming to my own child’s wedding, I’d be mad as hell. That would put me in an “outsider” position and make him the host and “owner” of the event. No way. Barring some unusual circumstance like quasi-estrangement, parents on both sides are insiders who are like vice-hosts to the bride and groom. If a thank you is appropriate for some reason (like the estrangement), then the bride and groom give it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have a very close relationship with her parents (my in-laws). They are very easy going, simple, positive personalities, etc. I feel as if we can call my in-laws and ask, "hey, are you free - want to stop by?" They'd say "sure", and could be here within the hour if they were available. I also don't feel like we need to clean up the house, as they're not judgmental people and understand that not everything needs to be a production or a "show".

My parents on the other hand, are the complete opposite. They only have maybe 2 friends, they don't socialize with neighbors, and overall - they're just "odd" people. Anything they're asked to do, you need to typically plan way in advance (a week or more is ideal), however, things like, "who's hosting Thanksgiving", you better put a stake in the ground on that question 1 year in advance. If my parents visit our home, they're the type to point out something that's dirty, or make an indirect comment about something being dirty and acting as if they never said anything.

The dilemma I have is that my in-laws and my parents both adore our daughter. My in-laws make every attempt to see my daughter, whether we ask if we can visit them or they ask to come here, etc. Bottom line, we see my in-laws on a weekly basis. My parents on the other hand, we might see them once every 2-3 months. They NEVER ask if they can come see us of if we can come visit them, but it's almost as if it's expected that I will always initiate the question of "would you like to see your granddaughter?" Just today I asked and they said they don't have time, that they already have plans to watch the ballgame (this being, they're going to sit in their basement and watch the Washington Redskins play the football game at 1PM. I find this odd, it's almost as if they prioritize a sports event over their grand-daughter, yet, they claim their grand-daughter is the best thing in the world.

My parents also refuse to interact with my in-laws, stemming back to an event they claimed that happened at my wedding almost 10 years ago. Apparently, my father-in-law never "thanked" my parents for coming to the wedding, so they claim he's rude and have no interest in interacting with him. Personally, I don't see why they were expecting a "thank you" for an event that he paid for. Additionally, I did comment to my mother that it's possible he did say thank you and she didn't hear him since she has horrendous hearing and refuses to wear her hearing aids. Point is, it's ridiculous and they need to get over it and move on. Also, both of my parents don't care much for my wife and my wife - well, she hates them. I'm not particularly fond of my parents, but I'm trying to put on an image as I feel its in the best interest of my daughter and anything that occurs with my parents, is always gossiped to the rest of the family on my side.

Personally, I think some of the grudge is based on the differences in lifestyle. My wife and I are very tech-savvy, upper-middle class, well educated, white collar professionals. My in-laws are the same. My parents, well, father was a HS graduate and worked in a blue collar job and loves his union. My mother dropped out of HS early to be a mother and feels her role is to cook/clean and support my father.

I feel like I'm in a very awkward situation and there really isn't a simple solution to it - and this will just be the relationship I need to juggle for my entire life. Jokingly, I did mention to my wife that the only way we can remove ourselves from this situation is by relocating somewhere out of state, given that we're now local to all family members. (this is not feasible, due to the nature of the work we do here in the DC area)

I'm curious and would like to receive some opinions on this from others. What is the issue with my parents? How do I handle them? Should I stop asking them if they want to see their grand-daughter and just wait until they ask? Based on their personality type, if I wait for them to ask and they finally ask, they will likely make some smart-ass comment to me and the rest of my family will agree that I was in the wrong for not asking them sooner, making their lack of socializing with their grand-daughter, my fault.

Well, parents put up with babies and children and teens, all of them socially awkward, throwing tantrums, showing attitude, why cant children deal with ackward parents when positions change?