Fearful avoidant/dismissive avoidant attachment in relationships

[Anonymous]

My DH was avoidant and distant our first year together. He is in the military and has PTSD as well as he had a relationship previously that involved a lot of games on her end and he just shut himself off. I feel like I spent that whole year slowly chipping away at this hard shell he'd built. Then one day after him being distant and cold I got a string of texts while I was at work. The PTSD had come on full force and he was upset and didn't know who to call. I left work and went to his house. He was a mess. We got him calmed down and cleaned up. He spent the next 4-5 days glued to me. Ever since that day he has been far more open with me because he finally realized I was going to be a constant and reliable thing for him.

A few months after that I brought up the way that he had acted over that first year and he said a lot of that would never happen again. I deserved better, he would do better. He truly has ever since. There's still times I have to fight him to get stuff out, but overall, he is open, affectionate, and has no problem discussing future things. He even gets upset when I don't get excited about the future conversations (stuff like he wants to move us to the coast, discussing children, future vacations, etc).

Some people have weird, avoidant personalities, and some people have had things happen to them that have made them that way. How a relationship works and how you interact is on both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, sounds like you were dealing with a narcissist. I'm definitely love-avoidant, but what you're describing is something high drama and quite different. If anything, the problem with people like myself is the lack of emotion and drama.

The first was probably not a narcissist but may have been BPD.

The latter was not high drama at all - the emotional rollercoaster described my own feelings as we'd get closer, then she'd pull away. If I cooled off/backed off, she'd be interested again. In terms of "external" drama though...almost none. Nope, she was classic avoidant attachment adult child of an alcoholic. The long conversations with others picking over me and our relationship were part of her fault-finding process to justify her urgent need to pull back away. I don't think she mourned it very long - she was back on dating sites very quickly. I wasn't really up for anything for months.

[Anonymous]

I did, and it ended horribly. Long story short, we broke up (because of him), I let him back in for a second-go-round. I was then diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after getting back together and we started to get closer than ever before (he was hinting around at marriage). Eight weeks into chemo, and literally once we had started becoming more intimate than ever (legit intimacy), he bailed -- he broke up by disappearing and then finally sending a TEXT MESSAGE stating that he didn't think it was going to work for him.

Funny enough, right around the time he disappeared and after a long and insightful conversation we had, HE brought up the topic of couples therapy. I agreed to go, and then he backed out of that at the last minute as well.

Once we broke up he started to talking to someone immediately, and then another, and then another. He literally hasn't spent a waking hour alone or not talking/dating someone.

My advice - save yourself and if you think you're in a relationship with an avoidant who either a.) doesn't know it or b.) knows it but refuses to do anything about it....RUN.

[Anonymous]

I just had my own 'dance' with an avoidant end after 10 years. We were long distance off and on as we were trying to start and harmonize our careers often having to relocate to do so. I always followed him of course but as he was an academic he had little control over where he ended up. Thankfully we never did the break up and get back together thing which is why I am sure this break up is final, and I should probably be thankful. In ten years i sashimi cry 3 times, and one was while he broke up with me. It's been 4 weeks and we have only had practical contact, getting own phone plan, electric bills, etc. I made him promise to meet with me in November as he was breaking up with me, I guess hoping he might miss me or change his mind. I know this won't happen and wonder if the closure is even worth having. Would it be best to just let November come and go? We do have to file for divorce as we had a domestic partnership for insurance reasons. But I could always just let him file the paperwork and not contest.

[Anonymous]

I can't help thinking Aspergers? Op I dated a guy like you posted, something was off about him in the 2nd month, anyway I couldn't deal with a man like that so I dumped him. It was perfect timing since I was considering moving out of the state and i told him. I'll stay if he is willing to work on our relationship. He didn't say anything. I ended up moving. He didn't show any emotions with the breakup. He reached out to me and I told him i had moved out of the state. That's when he realized I had really moved on. He wasn't happy but I deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty much this person. I'm a woman with a history of trauma, and learned through experience that when you need people they won't be there so you can really only rely on yourself. I'm also a nice, kind, empathetic person, so people often don't realize how much I can't connect on a deeper level. I've often been in relationships where the other person is interested in me in part because they want to be the person who can break through, and when they realize that isn't actually going to happen, they leave. My spouse had an emotional affair with someone I think is a horrible person, but who is great at the love bomb. I am really sad about my marriage ending, in part because I thought I was going to have the rest of my life to work on my emotional issues in the safety of a relationship with my spouse, who I loved. But, I don't show a lot of emotion about the divorce-friends comment that it's weird how well I'm doing considering. For good or bad, I'm a survivor.

Holy hell, I am you. Every aspect of your story. I wonder if this is what OP is asking about? This state of being?

Because I'm so very good at the quick and transient empathy thing, and it's genuine too, people don't realize that I never go behind that. The quick initial warmth is distracting

[Anonymous]

*Beyond, not behind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting involved with one now. We've been close friends for years and I had concerns about getting any closer because I know he's kept his girlfriends at arm's length. He tries to get close to them but can't seem to allow himself to feel. They eventually leave after a year or two because they love him and he doesn't love them back.

Holy smokes! Why on earth would you want to get involved with that?

[Anonymous]

Hello
I would like more information on how to love a Man who is a love avoidant . When I gave him the no contact at all . Two months later he called me. He said he missed me and didn't want to lose me that he loved me and that I was the one for him. and asked me to take him back. And I did because I still love him. A weak and a half later, when I thought we were moving forward he starting saying things like I wish you weren't so Christian and your not as adventurous as I thought you were. That we needed to be on the same page! I kindly said good and told him I loved him and so did he. I waited two days without contacting him giving space also because I was confused by his sudden negativity! He texted me . Is your phone working? I answered yes He responded okay!!!! And that was that . I didn't hear from for a few days. So I texted him saying I was giving myself a little space as I didn't want to continue getting close to someone who was confused as to what they wanted. I reassured him that I loved him and wanted to make it work. It's been a month and a half and he hasn't contacted me . Any advice.
Warmly'
Confused

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello
I would like more information on how to love a Man who is a love avoidant . When I gave him the no contact at all . Two months later he called me. He said he missed me and didn't want to lose me that he loved me and that I was the one for him. and asked me to take him back. And I did because I still love him. A weak and a half later, when I thought we were moving forward he starting saying things like I wish you weren't so Christian and your not as adventurous as I thought you were. That we needed to be on the same page! I kindly said good and told him I loved him and so did he. I waited two days without contacting him giving space also because I was confused by his sudden negativity! He texted me . Is your phone working? I answered yes He responded okay!!!! And that was that . I didn't hear from for a few days. So I texted him saying I was giving myself a little space as I didn't want to continue getting close to someone who was confused as to what they wanted. I reassured him that I loved him and wanted to make it work. It's been a month and a half and he hasn't contacted me . Any advice.
Warmly'
Confused

In all seriousness, move on. Consider the end of this relationship, if one can call it that, a gift, because you don't need a man who will bail out on you after you've made a lifetime committment and have little children to care for. Get therapy for yourself to learn why you're willing to twist yourself into a pretzel in order to please him, but willing settle for the crumbs he doles out to you only when he feels like it He doesn't need you to save him -- you need to save yourself.

[Anonymous]

I am so grateful I stumbled across this Attachment Theory stuff, or I would still be upended, emotionally and mentally, after dealing with a recent, seemingly off to a promising start relationship. We were having what I thought was such a nice time getting to know each other, hanging out at her house a few times, sharing about ourselves, taking a hike in the park... I had real feelings developing for her. We had just set up our first romantic "date," when she abruptly stated we should just be friends. Holy cow. The fearful-avoidant descriptions I am reading here and there are definitely her.

...I am a caring, compassionate person...as are many I see posting about being a partner to these types, who want to try to 'break through' to them; so, I went back and forth with emails (because she doesn't "do" phone conversations [too intimate!]...which I now understand is clearly part of this disorder--yes, this needs to be called a disorder!), in which I tried to accommodate her back-pedaling and her newly stated need for a "structured activity" for us to engage in while we acquainted (rather than the intimacy of just hanging out, face-to-face) ...but she clearly found further evidence of my "imperfection" in my communications, and put the final nail in the coffin of any further interaction.

...This has been so very helpful, as it is making me also reflect on another woman I wondered about and pined after for some time, who did the same--expressed these wonderful feelings she had for me, then later acted as if we were strangers. It was so bizarre.

One of these women is 60 years old, and one is in her late 50's. Both have acquired dogs to be their safe companions (and to create a buffer in the room, to mitigate the directness of being with another person). Something to cuddle that won't ask for much from them. Something to keep busy with, and avoid the deeper emptiness and restlessness within. ...It is making me sad, to realize they will unlikely ever understand that the issue is with THEM, rather than the lack of that "dream partner" coming along.

So glad I understand this all, or I could have let my own self-esteem take a beating with this poor track record of being rebuffed by these types.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be sad guys, you are perfect that’s why they can’t be with you
Your just too strong for them, it’s the deceit that I
Have s problem with,