Fearful avoidant/dismissive avoidant attachment in relationships

[Anonymous]

Has anyone had any experience in long-term relationships with an avoidant person? What was the relationship like, how did the avoidant person break up with you and did they seem to mourn the end of the relationship or not?

[Anonymous]

Personally, no. But i have two long-term girlfriends who have this kind of attachment style. For many years they have acted like they wanted a long-term relationship and they actively seek them. Since they are both quite pretty and smart, they have no trouble finding men. But as soon as they start getting close, both of them begin to look for and find faults. They also tend to seek out men who are "impossible". The more impossible the guy, the more they want to get close. But it always ends the same way. They leave the relationship and then blame the guy, who is often devastated. These two are totally unaware of what they are doing and picture themselves as victims. It's always the man's fault.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, it's difficult to say because as I am not a psychologist I can't really know but I had a boyfriend a little while ago who was a great guy. Calm, respectful, sweet and so uncomplicated - even more so because the man I was with before him had some very narcissistic tendencies and he just wore me right into the ground with his neediness and needless drama. I think that in contrast this man seemed like a dream come true. He never overstepped boundaries, was never nasty, never put me down, was great with my children for the whole three years we were together.

BUT, as time passed I started thinking more and more that he was just a little too distant. I don't quite know how to put it. He never said "I love you" unless I did, always shied away from conversations about the future, then sometimes he would speak about the future as though he saw me in it, then would say things to make me understand he wasn't comfortable speaking about the future. He initiated a chat about us moving in together but that never happened. It just sort of fizzled away, that idea. He was never nasty but would seem scornful of people who couldn't walk away from a difficult relationship or other men who were upset for romantic reasons. Would say things like "Why get so upset over a woman?" as though it was not something he could comprehend. Deep feelings seemed to make him very ill at ease. I was having some problems with work for a while and he'd always listen but never seemed to want to really engage or help me find solutions. If I remember correctly, he even said something like "Let's stop speaking about this now, it's making me feel down" once.
I sort of felt like I was up against a blank wall sometimes. He never let me in really. No depth to his feelings, no heart to hearts. Just constant and calm all the time. Pleasant but very 'what you see is what you get' and not really 'still waters run deep'.
Even when I knew something was bothering him he never really let me in to chat about it. Never accepted help if he was sick or needed it in any shape or form. Didn't like me stroking his head and saying "poor thing" when he was not well. And so on and so on.

He sabotaged the relationship twice but flirting with another woman and then just sort of faded away without any big explanations. The few times I saw him afterwards he was fine. He didn't seem heartbroken, upset, like he was missing me. Again, just calm, cool, collected.

So, I don't know if he is avoidant but that's my experience of someone I feel liked to just keep things at a safe distance so he could just "be".
Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

6:38 PP again....I just thought that I didn't say anything about sex. Sex was great, fun, uncomplicated. Everything was uncomplicated. No bonding after sex though. Always laughs and joking and cuddling for a bit until he had to get up and get away from the bed asap. Had to get things done. No falling asleep in each other's arms. Just up and things to do, places to go! That would be at his home or mine (unless it was go to bed sex when he would stay in bed obviously). Still no bonding though.

And now that you've got me thinking about it, if I have to define those years with him, they seem hard to grasp at. Memories of them don't seem very sharply defined. All very superficial. They were happy but just not "deep" and meaningful. I don't quite know if that says something about me or about him or about the fact that he is avoidant or not. He just seemed happy to be who he was and not expect anyone to ask much of him or to expect too much from him.

[Anonymous]

Bumping

[Anonymous]

The guy I know like this has issues in his past that put him there. I have known him going on 14 years and he is finally just starting to open up to me. We have had our issues in the pet due to this, but he is who he is and I accept him for it. He told me the way he feels about me now is how he always felt. I told him I had no idea he felt that way bc he seemed like he couldn't care less. He is just trying to protect himself from getting hurt. If he didn't let me in, I couldn't hurt him. He is still a bit like this, but if I have an issue, he actually encourages me to talk about it now instead of ignoring it like he used to. It's a very complicated relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6:38 PP again....I just thought that I didn't say anything about sex. Sex was great, fun, uncomplicated. Everything was uncomplicated. No bonding after sex though. Always laughs and joking and cuddling for a bit until he had to get up and get away from the bed asap. Had to get things done. No falling asleep in each other's arms. Just up and things to do, places to go! That would be at his home or mine (unless it was go to bed sex when he would stay in bed obviously). Still no bonding though.

And now that you've got me thinking about it, if I have to define those years with him, they seem hard to grasp at. Memories of them don't seem very sharply defined. All very superficial. They were happy but just not "deep" and meaningful. I don't quite know if that says something about me or about him or about the fact that he is avoidant or not. He just seemed happy to be who he was and not expect anyone to ask much of him or to expect too much from him.

I don't think I could fall in love with someone like this.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty much this person. I'm a woman with a history of trauma, and learned through experience that when you need people they won't be there so you can really only rely on yourself. I'm also a nice, kind, empathetic person, so people often don't realize how much I can't connect on a deeper level. I've often been in relationships where the other person is interested in me in part because they want to be the person who can break through, and when they realize that isn't actually going to happen, they leave. My spouse had an emotional affair with someone I think is a horrible person, but who is great at the love bomb. I am really sad about my marriage ending, in part because I thought I was going to have the rest of my life to work on my emotional issues in the safety of a relationship with my spouse, who I loved. But, I don't show a lot of emotion about the divorce-friends comment that it's weird how well I'm doing considering. For good or bad, I'm a survivor.

[Anonymous]

Bump

[Anonymous]

I'm one of these people too, and it was really hard on my marriage for the first 5+ years (we've been married for 8, together for 15). I attribute it to my parents' approach to parenting (my dad was rough, a really harsh disciplinarian, was not okay for us to have negative emotions; my mom was totally checked out, sometimes literally not even there, once for over a year) and an abusive relationship in high school that left some serious sexual trauma.

I love my husband but I was always pulling back, even when we were dating. Was really hard for me to tell him I love him, I was really avoidant sexually and not fully emotionally engaged when we did have sex. I pulled away from kisses and hugs when they got longer than a couple seconds. I knew my husband was a total saint for his patience with me. Eventually his patience paid off, because I worked really hard over the years to improve my ability to open up to him and trust him, with a lot of success. Sex has become so amazing, but it took me being willing to talk through my fears in the moment (so mortifying, but it was like saying the stuff out loud made it vanish) and him being incredibly patient for a really long time. I know your question wasn't about sex specifically, but that's just the area where the attachment issues manifested for me the most.

It's really hard to maintain a healthy relationship when you you have this particular attachment issue, and I think for us the way we got through was (1)that my husband knew this about me from early on while we were dating and loved me anyway / no matter what, and went into it knowingly and probably accepting that I might always be that way, and (2)I really wanted to break through some of the barriers and be able to be intimate with him, both emotionally and physically, and was willing to face a lot of fear and discomfort to get there. It's always a work in progress, but it is incredible how far we've come.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman like this. I wouldn't recommend dating a guy like this at all. I'm just thankful I have friends who've called me on my shit about this. Working on it in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Yes, just went through a relationship of sorts with a very avoidant man. Every time I was distant, he pulled toward me but when I got close, he pulled away. Finally, he said some really hurtful things, I pulled away and when I finally told him what he had said that hurt so much, he apologized but completely stopped talking to me for months. He told me today he thinks it's best if we have no social contact because he needs to protect himself. He's single and involved with a married woman.

[Anonymous]

0056 here For those of you with experience in these relationships, how do you break through? I cannot even maintain a solid friendship with this person.

[Anonymous]

0056 : to answer your question...I sort of get the feeling that YOU don't get to break through, they are the ones who let you in, or not. End of story.

My experience after dating a man like this for almost two years and having him check out emotionally at the end for long enough for me to call him on it, and then eventually just having to walk away myself because he was making zero effort to check back in or to break up with me himself (although that really seemed to be what he wanted), I told this anecdote to a friend to try and get her to understand what I was feeling :

It's like being at one of those old-fashioned balls they used to have. There are lots of people to dance with but you can only dance with each of them once. Etiquette states that you have to mingle. This guy is the guy that all the girls want to dance with. You're lucky enough for him to accept, show enough interest to break a few rules and to ask for a second dance but then when he's done, he's done. He walks away and moves on to the next girl with her dance card. You've had your moment and now must move on because he won't give you another dance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, just went through a relationship of sorts with a very avoidant man. Every time I was distant, he pulled toward me but when I got close, he pulled away. Finally, he said some really hurtful things, I pulled away and when I finally told him what he had said that hurt so much, he apologized but completely stopped talking to me for months. He told me today he thinks it's best if we have no social contact because he needs to protect himself. He's single and involved with a married woman.

I think that that right there is typical of avoidant attachment types. From what I understand, he has the opportunity to be with you but is choosing an impossible relationship instead. He gets sex, affection and company but is not tied down in any way. Let's hope she doesn't leave her husband for him.