Fearful avoidant/dismissive avoidant attachment in relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0056 here For those of you with experience in these relationships, how do you break through? I cannot even maintain a solid friendship with this person.

Why would you want to? The best thing you can do for yoursrlf is mske a clean break and move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0056 : to answer your question...I sort of get the feeling that YOU don't get to break through, they are the ones who let you in, or not. End of story.

My experience after dating a man like this for almost two years and having him check out emotionally at the end for long enough for me to call him on it, and then eventually just having to walk away myself because he was making zero effort to check back in or to break up with me himself (although that really seemed to be what he wanted), I told this anecdote to a friend to try and get her to understand what I was feeling :

It's like being at one of those old-fashioned balls they used to have. There are lots of people to dance with but you can only dance with each of them once. Etiquette states that you have to mingle. This guy is the guy that all the girls want to dance with. You're lucky enough for him to accept, show enough interest to break a few rules and to ask for a second dance but then when he's done, he's done. He walks away and moves on to the next girl with her dance card. You've had your moment and now must move on because he won't give you another dance.

Oh honey, you've got to stop thinking that you were lucky that he "danced" with you or that he's this fabulous guy who left you in the dust feeling abandoned. Reframe your thinking: You were lucky that you got out and are able to learn about yourself and why you were drawn to such an avoidant man in the first place, and that you can expect more from your next relationship. No need to try and figure this guy out anymore, or how he could be so cold or avoidant -- you are not going to be able to figure it out so don't give him more space in your brain. Figure yourself out instead, so that you ask more for yourself.

[Anonymous]

And what about avoidants with their children? Dismissive, annoyed, not interested, not invested?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And what about avoidants with their children? Dismissive, annoyed, not interested, not invested?

If that's the case then they're not worth 20 seconds more of your thought. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what about avoidants with their children? Dismissive, annoyed, not interested, not invested?

If that's the case then they're not worth 20 seconds more of your thought. Seriously.

Must agree. But, I think the PP was aaking what they're like with their children. I don't know if there is a rule. I suppose their avoidance behaviours could be across board and they might want to keep distance from intimacy witht heir children too but I'm sure there are a lot of avoidant but loving and caring parents as well.

[Anonymous]

The avoidant person I know is very good with his kids. He's divorced and attends all school meetings, takes them to the doctors, is affectionate, etc. He also is close to his sisters. His problem seems confined to romantic relationships where he is always the victim and the nice things his partners have done are interpreted as trying to manipulate him.

[Anonymous]

OP posting. I've read through all the replies and have found some valuable information. Thank you.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with an ex who I think is avoidant. I found the break-up very disturbing. He was very cold and dismissive during the break-up and am wondering who this "new" person is? I have had no contact from him since we broke up and the break-up itself was very superficial and very much a practicality. No feelings, no depth, no real explanations. Impersonal. I'm confused and am wondering : am I supposed to just accept that turn of events and leave it at that? Discarded. No value.
He's moved on to someone else - who is married - and I'm left grieving while he has just replaced me and gone on with his life like I was never there in the first place. It is all so unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP posting. I've read through all the replies and have found some valuable information. Thank you.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with an ex who I think is avoidant. I found the break-up very disturbing. He was very cold and dismissive during the break-up and am wondering who this "new" person is? I have had no contact from him since we broke up and the break-up itself was very superficial and very much a practicality. No feelings, no depth, no real explanations. Impersonal. I'm confused and am wondering : am I supposed to just accept that turn of events and leave it at that? Discarded. No value.
He's moved on to someone else - who is married - and I'm left grieving while he has just replaced me and gone on with his life like I was never there in the first place. It is all so unbelievable.


Hi OP, I remember your earlier threads about your break-up. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It seems you're having trouble getting out of this loop in your head of wondering why and how, why and how, again and again and again. The way that he has handled himself, both during your relationship and afterward, reflects his own deficits and not your own.

You talk about his detachment, from you, from his family and his own children. I dare say that the way the relationship ended and his current conduct should not come as a shock. You should not be scouring every memory of your time together for proof that you did or said something to cause him to discard you in this way - you should instead stop this endless loop in your head and just feel the pain and mourn the loss. That's the only way to get through it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had any experience in long-term relationships with an avoidant person? What was the relationship like, how did the avoidant person break up with you and did they seem to mourn the end of the relationship or not?

The avoidant never broke up with me. He just disappeared whenever he felt uncomfortable, only to come crawling back ... I got tired of the 'dance' after 5 years, and I completely broke contact with him. Defriended him on all social media, blocked his number on my phone. I did this because I met someone I thought I could fall in love with, and I didn't want the avoidant to ruin it.

I finally realized that my relationship with the avoidant made me miss out on a real healthy relationship, probably several of them. And yup, I was right about the falling in love part.

If my avoidant could figure his shit out (long term depression), I would have married him in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

0056 here I almost think we should do lunch! I'm going through the same cycle and I feel so rejected, utterly and completely rejected because he was very cold about it. I was horrified by the distance, the lack of caring, and my two conversations to attempt to get clarity have been unsuccessful and painful. And, the thing is, I do business with him so, even though I went months without talking to him, he still used my call about business as another opportunity to tell me that we can't be friends because he senses I still have feelings for him and he needs to "protect himself" from me. It makes it sound like I'm some deranged person when, in fact, I've never even gotten mad at him. The last time we talked, he was so cold that I cried and ran out of a restaurant -- and he says people could think he is abusing me and call police on him and he can't risk that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6:38 PP again....I just thought that I didn't say anything about sex. Sex was great, fun, uncomplicated. Everything was uncomplicated. No bonding after sex though. Always laughs and joking and cuddling for a bit until he had to get up and get away from the bed asap. Had to get things done. No falling asleep in each other's arms. Just up and things to do, places to go! That would be at his home or mine (unless it was go to bed sex when he would stay in bed obviously). Still no bonding though.

And now that you've got me thinking about it, if I have to define those years with him, they seem hard to grasp at. Memories of them don't seem very sharply defined. All very superficial. They were happy but just not "deep" and meaningful. I don't quite know if that says something about me or about him or about the fact that he is avoidant or not. He just seemed happy to be who he was and not expect anyone to ask much of him or to expect too much from him.

I am dating this exact person

[Anonymous]

Getting involved with one now. We've been close friends for years and I had concerns about getting any closer because I know he's kept his girlfriends at arm's length. He tries to get close to them but can't seem to allow himself to feel. They eventually leave after a year or two because they love him and he doesn't love them back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, no. But i have two long-term girlfriends who have this kind of attachment style. For many years they have acted like they wanted a long-term relationship and they actively seek them. Since they are both quite pretty and smart, they have no trouble finding men. But as soon as they start getting close, both of them begin to look for and find faults. They also tend to seek out men who are "impossible". The more impossible the guy, the more they want to get close. But it always ends the same way. They leave the relationship and then blame the guy, who is often devastated. These two are totally unaware of what they are doing and picture themselves as victims. It's always the man's fault.

I'm a guy, and I've been in two long term relationships like this. Here's what I felt like:living on a crazy-making roller coaster. One I finally dumped myself, and although she put up quite a scene in the moment, she moved on much faster than I did, so, nope I don't really think she mourned the relationship. I think her issues were a little different from the typical fearful-avoidant though.

The later is exactly as the quoted poster above describes, and yes, I was devastated. I had asked her as much as six months before she just vanished if she just wanted to dump me, and if so, just do it. That's how she finally broke it off, just cleared her stuff out of my house while I was at work, without so much as a note. I emailed her to say that I would come get my stuff from her place two days later, and when I showed up, all my stuff was in trash bags on her porch. I had felt multiple times this crazy push-pull, hot-cold dynamic and I remember how much time she spent analyzing me and our relationship, particularly with one of her friends who happened to be a counselor but also with her therapist and I think, her ex-boyfriend who she was "friends" with (he was the friend-zone guy who was hoping to upgrade, I found out much later she ultimately settled for him as her emergency plan-B).

After a month or so (mostly spent in shock) I tried to reconcile with her and what I got was a rather nasty letter blaming me for everything.

I'm a slow learner, which is why I fell in love with two women like this before I learned my lesson; after that, though, hooo-boy...if you go hot/cold on me, I'm done. DW is nothing like that, thank goodness!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0056 here For those of you with experience in these relationships, how do you break through? I cannot even maintain a solid friendship with this person.

PP again...I would not recommend you try to "break through" with this kind of person. Both of the women I was involved with who were like this came from backgrounds of emotional neglect (at least, out and out abuse in some respects - parents with substance abuse and mental health issues); this avoidant stuff is something *they* have to tackle - they have to want to make the change and they have to do the work. You cannot "break through".

Honestly, the break through for me was recognizing my own issues: why I was drawn to someone who treated me this crappy (conditional love) way, and making some changes in myself. That changed who I was attracted to, and I stopped winding up in miserable relationships with this kind of partner.

[Anonymous]

PP, sounds like you were dealing with a narcissist. I'm definitely love-avoidant, but what you're describing is something high drama and quite different. If anything, the problem with people like myself is the lack of emotion and drama.