Reply to Fearful avoidant/dismissive avoidant attachment in relationships

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[quote=Anonymous]I am so grateful I stumbled across this Attachment Theory stuff, or I would still be upended, emotionally and mentally, after dealing with a recent, seemingly off to a promising start relationship.  We were having what I thought was such a nice time getting to know each other, hanging out at her house a few times, sharing about ourselves, taking a hike in the park...  I had real feelings developing for her.  We had just set up our first romantic "date," when she abruptly stated we should just be friends.  Holy cow. The fearful-avoidant descriptions I am reading here and there are definitely her.

...I am a caring, compassionate person...as are many I see posting about being a partner to these types, who want to try to 'break through' to them; so, I went back and forth with emails (because she doesn't "do" phone conversations [too intimate!]...which I now understand is clearly part of this disorder--yes, this needs to be called a disorder!), in which I tried to accommodate her back-pedaling and her newly stated need for a "structured activity" for us to engage in while we acquainted (rather than the intimacy of just hanging out, face-to-face) ...but she clearly found further evidence of my "imperfection" in my communications, and put the final nail in the coffin of any further interaction.

...This has been so very helpful, as it is making me also reflect on another woman I wondered about and pined after for some time, who did the same--expressed these wonderful feelings she had for me, then later acted as if we were strangers.  It was so bizarre.

One of these women is 60 years old, and one is in her late 50's.  Both have acquired dogs to be their safe companions (and to create a buffer in the room, to mitigate the directness of being with another person). Something to cuddle that won't ask for much from them.  Something to keep busy with, and avoid the deeper emptiness and restlessness within. ...It is making me sad, to realize they will unlikely ever understand that the issue is with THEM, rather than the lack of that "dream partner" coming along.

So glad I understand this all, or I could have let my own self-esteem take a beating with this poor track record of being rebuffed by these types.

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