Am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

First, OP never said they asked, and second, DH hasn't apparently asked yet either. Is he afraid to OP? Can he "see it" coming too? Then, why don't you talk to him about it -- don't force him to ask you for a favor, tell him it's your problem together and that you need to figure out how to address it together.

As far as the "judging" component, I don't think you'd be judging them so harshly on this if it didn't seem like they had a solid hand in creating the baggage you bring to the table with them. If they had been more kind to you, or more appreciative, or made your immigration status a non-issue, would your feelings change?

I've started approaching issues with a "what will I wish I'd done in 10 years, or 20" policy. For me, I'd probably wish I'd spent a few extra bucks and helped them out, won my DH over a bit more, considered it a charitable event and cut my losses. Don't do anything dumb, but if you can help out, even a little, you might be glad you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You set the guidelines at the end of your post. Nothing for ILs until after you've satisfied your family's financial requirements.

If DH can't deal, let him get a job that pays more.

This. You have your abusive parents on one side and your husband's financially irresponsible parents on the other side.

Don't feel guilty. You are completely justified in wanting to put your family's needs first. Sadly, neither set of parents will rescue you if you need it. Protect your nest egg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't say whether you should or should not help them, but if you do, I wouldn't give the money directly to them since they have proven irresponsible with it. I'd offer to pay the electric bill, landlord, or have groceries delivered instead. Pay the bill, not the in laws since they'll likely waste it. That said, not everyone is good with money, so no judging there. Some people are naturally good savers, some figure out money management later in life and some never do. It's the same with all things. Some people are naturally athletic, or snappy dressers, or have an eye for decorating. Some don't. Stop judging people for being bad at something you happen to be good at.

ITA with all of this post.

I agree except for the bolded part. You don't need to judge but if they are asking for a handout... well, people are going to judge that they are an entitled irresponsible asshole.

I actually agree the most with the bolded part. OP, stop comparing yourself to others. We all have walked different paths in this life.

-1 I feel sorry that OP will be forced to help them with HER money or made to feel like a "bad" person. Either way, OP loses.

Your comment has nothing to do with my comment. I said nothing about the mechanics of helping out or not, I said that OP should not compare other people to herself. That is a recipe for disaster in life. A little compassion goes a long way, and there was none apparent in her original post.

[Anonymous]

The hardest part will be watching them make wasteful choices with the money you give them. I would offer to pay their rent (or something very concrete like that) and they can take care of the rest. That way when they spend it foolishly, you'll know that your money went to an actual need.

[Anonymous]

I get where you are coming from OP because my family is like this. There are a few issues - first, your situation is not normal and it was a bad one and you know it. Along with the feelings of independence and pride come feelings of sadness, bitterness and shame. You did claw your way to the up but along the way you watched plenty of others who had the love and support of family while you had virtually none.

Situations like the one you might be presented with soon bring those feelings to the surface. You are bitter because when you needed help no one helped you so why the hell should you be bothered to help someone else like your IL's who seem to have had it easy?

Two very good reasons to do it -

Do you really want to repeat the same messed up way of family life that you had for your own kids? Your kids should see you model that family is about taking care of each other in good and bad. You don't have to freely give up all your money but help out if you can.

Accepting help in life is ok. It doesn't make you weak. Teaching your kids this is invaluable and will make their lives better. If they see you freely help someone who has asked for help, they learn asking for help when they need it is ok.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I sympathize with OP, but you also need to act with compassion - if not to your in-laws directly, to your husband.

My MIL is a disaster with money. She's 67 years old, has no savings, significant debt, and a job that she could lose any day. And yet she spends money on stupid, unnecessary things. As an example - her car battery died and so she BOUGHT A NEW CAR. A brand new, off the lot car. And not even a good one! Instead of just charging her damn battery. And on top of that, I really dislike her personally. She's very whiny and needy and, ugh.

Anyway, I offer that to let you know that i truly feel your pain. I know the day is coming when we'll need to support her. And I'll do it. Not for her, exactly, but for my husband. Because he loves his mother and it would break his heart to see her struggle. And I love him and will do what I can to keep his heart from breaking.

So, if I were you, OP, I would be prepared to offer certain help. I would never let my in-laws starve, or freeze, or go without medical care, even if that meant I had to sacrifice some luxuries. But, I also wouldn't give them an allowance to use at their discretion, or feel obligated to subsidize their current lifestyle.

So, in short, I would agree to help pay for necessities, provided the in-laws are open about their finances so you can see their not blowing their money on expensive wine. I also agree with advice to pay the bills directly. Don't just write in-laws a check for $1000/month or whatever.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I'd try to focus on it through the lens of your love for DH. In the long term, your kindness to your in-laws will be a much more valuable lesson for your kids than anything they could learn in private school.

[Anonymous]

All of the posters who are saying you should help are asking you to hurt your family and give in to your dh's family's dysfunction. Whatever you give them will not help them. For God's sake, do not agree to any kind of monthly payment.\

I swear the people saying you should help because of faaaamily are probably already leaching off of family members or are counting on it and hate being made to feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

My experience with helping family has been that it did not change their behavior nor did it make them grateful. My mother was the most giving generous person ever and taught me what it was like to have someone who would help you. Someone who you could depend on and would never judge you but all that did for me was make me all the more responsible. My siblings are anything but. Whatever she gave they took and demanded more with no intent on repayment or thanks. The last straw was my brother asking her for her car on her deathbed. My DH bought that car for my mother but my brother didn't know. That look on my mother's face will always haunt me. Do what is best for your conscience not what is expected or demanded. No matter what do not hope for gratitude.

[Anonymous]

They will become dependant on YOU OP - let them become dependant on the government instead. You can hand them a quick wad, like $2000 or whatever if you really feel you must, but ABSOLUTELY NOT hooking yourself as a means of their monthly financial support. You will never get out once you get sucked in - frankly, I'd never pay because people like that will come back for more, and more, and more. . .

[Anonymous]

I think this is messy and it's harder to do what you propose than it is to say it. The fact that your MIL is only working 15 hrs/wk means they aren't desperate yet, so I would phrase things in such a way that points to a willingness to make sure they at least have food if working full time isn't enough to cover that after downsizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is messy and it's harder to do what you propose than it is to say it. The fact that your MIL is only working 15 hrs/wk means they aren't desperate yet, so I would phrase things in such a way that points to a willingness to make sure they at least have food if working full time isn't enough to cover that after downsizing.

OP here - I truly suspect that my MIL would rather go on welfare or panhandle than put in a full, honest day's work. She is a thoroughly indolent person who believes she is above petty things like work ethic. She has worked full time literally only 3-5 years of her life (she is 66 years old). My FIL is a hard working man and I believe that much of his unwise spending is motivated by his wife's poor counsel and greed for material things. I know I sound judgmental, but I dare any hard working person not to feel outraged by such a person as shameless as my MIL. Three out of four of her children are just like her. I have this terrible fear that if we help my in laws, then after working my FIL into disability, she will attach herself to us for decades to come. I did not sign up for a life of carrying this lazy woman like a millstone around my neck. Truly, if it was just my FIL, I might go as far as moving him in because the man will never take any more than he can earn himself.

At the same time, I feel for DH. I see the moral arguments that people are making regarding compassion and kindness, but this is not a matter of a one-time hand out. My children are also involved here. I refuse to mortgage their future for my in laws, but my in laws have set up their life in such a way that they are destitute and FIL's medical bills are going to devastate them. I am so upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They will become dependant on YOU OP - let them become dependant on the government instead. You can hand them a quick wad, like $2000 or whatever if you really feel you must, but ABSOLUTELY NOT hooking yourself as a means of their monthly financial support. You will never get out once you get sucked in - frankly, I'd never pay because people like that will come back for more, and more, and more. . .

OP here. This is what I am leaning towards. I fear this will put DH and I on a collision course, but my first loyalty is to myself and my children. I also feel as if my in laws haven't earned my help. They chose to alienate me. Now, those chickens are about to come home to roost. I just don't feel that it is fair to me to compromise my financial goals for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, increase your life insurance. And increase your general savings rate right now so that the money will be there when things get really bad.

I don't think you owe them much, in theory, but in practical terms it may be easier to help them out. It's not worth losing your marriage or your kids' relationship with their grandparents, is it? So I think you need to face facts that at some point, you will be paying. Hold out as long as you can so that there will be money when they are older and truly unable to work.

What does your DH say when you bring this up with him?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can afford to help them, if you are saving up for a house and rent right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, how much do you make? Are you making in excess of $250K per year? I know you say you bring in the majority of the money, but your salary could be $60K.