Am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, start with getting the in-laws to an objective third party to help them rearrange the finances the DO have. DH should not play this role, nor should you be involved (though it's likely you will be the one who finds DH a list of resources for this, HE should deal with his own parents here). Many banks will give regular account holders all kinds of free financial planning help if the customers just ask for it. But I would really have DH (not you) lead them on this, and get them to a planner who has already been primed by DH for the fact that mom and dad must figure out a weekly, monthly and annual budget and factor in mom's new job because that needs to be part of it. Another place to look for financial counseling at no or low cost would be senior centers and their city or county government's department on aging (these have different names in different places so you may need to hunt down the right agency).

DH also needs to research hard and fast to see if they are eligible for certain kinds of state or federal aid, especially if dad can claim disability (he would possibly have to stop working to collect, though), or if they can get Medicare etc. This part of it is tricky to negotiate depending on age, whether FIL is truly disabled or is able to work (scaled back), whether MIL should work or not in order to qualify, etc.

But all this has to happen with DH accepting that he, not you, deals with them, and that he should not give them any expectation of any money whatsoever, even if that means telling them up front, "We'll help you get the planning done and the applicatons for program X for aid but we are fully committed to two college funds and our retirement as far as our own funds are concerned." OP, is he tough enough to tell them that, or will he cave?

For yourself, I would be armed with documentation of how much you will need for two college tuitions, your own retirements (which could last many years if you're healthy and live a long time), keeping your home without any risk, health and life insurance costs for your own family, etc. You might need to have a serious sit-down with your DH and show him that even if you seem now to have enough money to pay some bills for his parents, you have a lot of years ahead to cover for your own family, and you cannot put your kids' educations or your own retirements or health care at risk. If this starts to affect your marriage, please get to a couples therapist. There should be no reason to damage a marriage over this, but if he is not really able to see his parents' irresponsibilty or he makes you into a villain--you'll need to work on it.

OP here - thank you for this. It is very helpful. I am not hopeful about the likelihood of getting them to talk to a third-party about their finances. A few years ago, a friend of theirs who is an expert actually offered to help them and they turned him down. My FIL said that he did not feel comfortable having someone else tell him what to do with his hard-earned money. He is old fashioned in all the wrong ways. I can help DH research everything we can about state and federal aid, and give of our time in other ways that will prove helpful to them. After reading some of the more helpful responses in this thread, I am inclined not to step in until they have spent down whatever they have (it is probably not much), they have looked into governmental assistance, and MIL has made some attempt at self help.

They will need to spend down what they have in order to qualify for Medicaid eventually anyway, so they might as well just do it. That also gives you and your DH more time to save and prepare.

+1 on the long time frame. Your DH needs to understand what your future financial obligations are and plan accordingly. I think you and your DH should get a financial planner or financially competent marriage counselor. An objective third party can really help in an emotional situation like this. Plus, financial planners are often very experienced with elder care issues and can probably help you out a lot just by being more knowledgeable than you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, start with getting the in-laws to an objective third party to help them rearrange the finances the DO have. DH should not play this role, nor should you be involved (though it's likely you will be the one who finds DH a list of resources for this, HE should deal with his own parents here). Many banks will give regular account holders all kinds of free financial planning help if the customers just ask for it. But I would really have DH (not you) lead them on this, and get them to a planner who has already been primed by DH for the fact that mom and dad must figure out a weekly, monthly and annual budget and factor in mom's new job because that needs to be part of it. Another place to look for financial counseling at no or low cost would be senior centers and their city or county government's department on aging (these have different names in different places so you may need to hunt down the right agency).

DH also needs to research hard and fast to see if they are eligible for certain kinds of state or federal aid, especially if dad can claim disability (he would possibly have to stop working to collect, though), or if they can get Medicare etc. This part of it is tricky to negotiate depending on age, whether FIL is truly disabled or is able to work (scaled back), whether MIL should work or not in order to qualify, etc.

But all this has to happen with DH accepting that he, not you, deals with them, and that he should not give them any expectation of any money whatsoever, even if that means telling them up front, "We'll help you get the planning done and the applicatons for program X for aid but we are fully committed to two college funds and our retirement as far as our own funds are concerned." OP, is he tough enough to tell them that, or will he cave?

For yourself, I would be armed with documentation of how much you will need for two college tuitions, your own retirements (which could last many years if you're healthy and live a long time), keeping your home without any risk, health and life insurance costs for your own family, etc. You might need to have a serious sit-down with your DH and show him that even if you seem now to have enough money to pay some bills for his parents, you have a lot of years ahead to cover for your own family, and you cannot put your kids' educations or your own retirements or health care at risk. If this starts to affect your marriage, please get to a couples therapist. There should be no reason to damage a marriage over this, but if he is not really able to see his parents' irresponsibilty or he makes you into a villain--you'll need to work on it.

OP here - thank you for this. It is very helpful. I am not hopeful about the likelihood of getting them to talk to a third-party about their finances. A few years ago, a friend of theirs who is an expert actually offered to help them and they turned him down. My FIL said that he did not feel comfortable having someone else tell him what to do with his hard-earned money. He is old fashioned in all the wrong ways. I can help DH research everything we can about state and federal aid, and give of our time in other ways that will prove helpful to them. After reading some of the more helpful responses in this thread, I am inclined not to step in until they have spent down whatever they have (it is probably not much), they have looked into governmental assistance, and MIL has made some attempt at self help.

They will need to spend down what they have in order to qualify for Medicaid eventually anyway, so they might as well just do it. That also gives you and your DH more time to save and prepare.

+1 on the long time frame. Your DH needs to understand what your future financial obligations are and plan accordingly. I think you and your DH should get a financial planner or financially competent marriage counselor. An objective third party can really help in an emotional situation like this. Plus, financial planners are often very experienced with elder care issues and can probably help you out a lot just by being more knowledgeable than you are.

OP here - You are totally right. DH and I definitely need advice too and it will probably be better for someone else to deliver the sober truth about our finances and our inability to assist our in laws much without being irresponsible in our own lives. I don't want to kick the can down the road and leave us in a situation in which our children might have to carry us because we don't have adequate retirement savings after coming to my in laws' rescue. People in my husbands family tend to be long lived, so if we take financial responsibility for my in laws now, this could easily end up being a 20 or 30 year ordeal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I should explain that I am 100% sure he's going to ask. DH and I have had this conversation before his father became ill. I told him how I felt about his parents selfish behavior and he told me that he would feel obligated to help them, but that there was no reason for us to resolve things at that time. Well, the time is here now.

OP, at what point do you think your DH will actually "feel obligated" to help? E.g., is it the first time they ask for money? Or when their electric is shut off? When they are too proud to go on public aid? Or when they are actually faced with eviction?

Financial problems do not benefit from delay. Right now, focus on getting a counselor and/or financial planner. You love your DH, so protect your marriage above all else. Then, maybe try to agree on a monthly amount to set aside (not to give to them, but to save for when it is truly needed), and agree to proactively research all public assistance immediately.

[Anonymous]

I am all for not jeopardizing your future for the sake of inlaws but something in your tone suggests that you would not want to help them even if you had a billion dollars. That's not a great attitude but it could work if your husband is on the same page. If he is not then you will have problems regardless of any financial considerations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all for not jeopardizing your future for the sake of inlaws but something in your tone suggests that you would not want to help them even if you had a billion dollars. That's not a great attitude but it could work if your husband is on the same page. If he is not then you will have problems regardless of any financial considerations.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am all for not jeopardizing your future for the sake of inlaws but something in your tone suggests that you would not want to help them even if you had a billion dollars. That's not a great attitude but it could work if your husband is on the same page. If he is not then you will have problems regardless of any financial considerations.

Well said.

She said she was willing to help the hard working dad, if he were the only one. However, the burden also includes a lazy mom, and two lazy able-bodied adult children. I think her attitude is fine. Even if I had a trillion dollars, I wouldn't help 3 ungrateful bums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, the HHI would give a good idea of whether or not helping them is a reasonable request.

Based on the fact you won't give the HHI, I'm going to assume it is sizable.

If you are making under $100K, no, there's no way you can support them if you living in the DC metro.

If, your household income is over $250K, then yes, you should be able to manage some sort of monthly allowance.

Another suggestion would be for them to sell all of the current property they own and move to a condo where they would not need to do to outside maintenance and, depending on where you buy, it might be better for you and your husband to buy the condo and put it in your name. You could cover the HOA fees and they would essentially not have rent.

Could they live on the social security benefits if they drastically cut their living expenses?

There's too many unknown factors in what you've provided to be able to give any practical advice.

While I get you think you shouldn't have to pay anything, I'm not sure this viewpoint is going to get you far in your relationship with your husband.

OP here - Should I buy them a palace and some butlers too? Maybe I should quit my job to wait on them hand and foot. Thanks for posting, but this is ridiculous.

You can buy an inexpensive condo depending on where it's located. Again, there's not enough info to provide helpful info.

I'm going to have say that the more you respond the more obvious it is you are a bitter person with not much generosity of spirit.

Good luck.

oP is hard working and frustrated. She doesn't own her place and people like you expect her to buy her irresponsible inlaws a condo. No. And that's a big hell no

OP here - thank you for injecting some sanity into this, PP. I thought I had entered the twilight zone for a second because I just couldn't understand how a reasonable person could think I should buy someone else a place when I haven't even yet saved up for my own first home.

\

OP, the person suggested you buy a small, inexpensive condo in your name and let your ILs live there. That would, in essence, be an investment property for you. I'd much rather do this and let them pay the bills then have them rent a place and pay their electricity every month. When they die or need to move to a nursing home, the condo could be sold or rented.
It's also not like this needs to happen tomorrow. This is good advice (though perhaps in a bit more time) and you shat all over it.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a book that you should read before you cut off DH's parents. It's called Doing the right thing: taking care of your elderly parents when they didn't take care of you, and it's by Roberta Satow. You seem to be still angry with your own parents and extremely anxious about money; that's affecting your judgment. Remember that they're your children's grandparents and that how you treat them now will show your children how to treat you when you are old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My own situation has some things in common. DH and I are both immigrants and now make decent money. DHs parents have made several disastrous decisions that had a major impact on their ability to provide to themselves. They are used to living above their means (not extravagantly but consistently above what they actually can afford), have long ago squandered everything they have inherited, favor their other son, deny to our faces we gave them money we sent just a few months before, totally ignore our advice and protestations and are unrepentant in respect to their decisions and lifestyle. Yet, they are 65 and 70 and love their grandchildren (my children) to death. I had several screaming fights with my MIL but we made up.

We can afford to give them some money though my husband doesn't want to (he makes about 3 times more than I do). But I feel a bit sorry for them and I don't think it's a good example for my kids that they get various extras while their own grandparents are struggling (for which they are 100% responsible but still...). So I promised to give them money for a new car (which due to aforementioned disastrous decisions is an absolute necessity for them) and, since my husband objects, will likely fund that from my personal account. This is not the first time I give them money... but honestly, it makes me feel better about myself and I think it's good for the kids. The fact that they love my kids so much is the bottom line for me. My older daughter is quite willing to forfeit her own gifts so that we can send money to grandma. I think it's a good lesson in priorities. To be sure we are not sending them large sums - they also live abroad where many things are cheaper. So, no, I wouldn't endanger my own livelihood because of them.

Good for you. Your children will appreciate it.