Am I wrong?
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Anonymous
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I am the child of immigrants. I have been on my own since 15. I put myself through college and law school, graduated 150k+ in debt, and paid it off by myself before marrying DH.
DH's parents are American. His mother left a very high-paying job because she simply did not want to work and did not return to work until her youngest of 4 kids was 25. She currently works 15 hours a week as a grocery clerk. His father is a construction worker, who struggled to carry the family financially alone, but felt a nonworking wife was a status symbol. They made some major financial mistakes along the way: invested in a joint venture with a bad business partner, got into more house than they could afford and got foreclosed on, refused to save for retirement because they wanted to live in the moment etc. DH paid for most of his college with loans that I then helped him pay off when we married. During my marriage to DH, they have continued to make ill advised decisions. They bought another property that they cannot afford and are likely going to get foreclosed on again. They decided to support their adult daughter and son in low paying jobs in the name of letting them follow their dreams. They also continued to spend beyond their means. Throughout, I was warning DH that they are making disastrous choices and urged him to get involved. Looking at their three hapless kids and their lack of savings, I had a fear that they would one day look to DH for money. Considering that I earn 75% of our HHI, that would mean looking to me. DH asked them to rein in their spending. They basically told him to screw off. Well, things have come crashing down. His father has been diagnosed with a heart condition that means he will have to scale his hours back considerably. They are screwed because they have a life and expenses such that they were barely getting by on FIL's full time job with overtime. DH has yet to ask me for us to help them, but I feel it coming. What is my responsibility here? I feel aggrieved because I have had no help and am as self made as a person can get. My abusive parents gave me nothing and I have been estranged from them for years. DH came into the marriage knowing nothing about finances. Our savings were built primarily on my earnings and budgeting. It kills me that people who have been so wasteful and selfish will now seek to benefit from the years I went without and busted my ass working 80 hour weeks. His mom has made comments suggesting I am a bad mom for working and his father had a lot to say about me being an immigrant when DH and I married. If we help them, that will mean a longterm effort because DH's siblings are themselves financially unstable and DH's parents have no one else. This will take a toll on DH and I's ability to save for our own retirement and our two children's college tuition. We will also have to stop saving for a downpayment on our first home. We just finished paying DH's student loans. At the same time, these are DH's parents and I have a feeling he doesn't care that they dug this hole. He just wants to help. Would I be an ogre to take a hard line stance that I will only give what little is left over after we have maxed our retirement savings, funded our children's college savings, and continued our current allocation toward our downpayment? |
Anonymous
| PS I know this is a ridiculously long post. Just want to give all the background because I am facing a situation that might end up challenging my marriage. |
Anonymous
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You set the guidelines at the end of your post. Nothing for ILs until after you've satisfied your family's financial requirements.
If DH can't deal, let him get a job that pays more. |
Anonymous
| I would help his parents but not his siblings. Now that his student loan is paid off, maybe you could give the same or less amount to his parents. |
Anonymous
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You certainly can say that certain family financial priorities can't be compromised, like retirement, etc. Your husband could choose something to pay for, like half the mortgage or something, as a way to help out. Something that fits within your budget. I don't think it would be wise as far as your marriage is concerned, to shut your husband down completely if he really wants to help them.
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Anonymous
| No you aren't wrong or an ogre. |
Anonymous
| I'd be willing to help - on a minimal level. define a number that won't hurt and that will at least ease a small amount of pain - is it $100/month? $250? Then, DON'T BUDGE on that. Don't feel like a beast because you're taking care of your kids and your own future with your own hard-earned money. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't give a cent. |
Anonymous
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First of all OP, I sympathize with your situation. You are absolutely not an ogre for doing what is right for your immediate family first.
Who runs the finances in your home? I know I am going to get flamed for this suggestion, but is there anyway you can keep some money away from your husband so he doesn't know you have it? Otherwise it is going to very difficult for you to deny his requests when it literally comes down to either helping parents pay for treatment for a life or death illness or a keeping a room over their heads (immediate emergencies) versus saving for retirement or your child's college (abstract, non-immediate needs). Also, I know I will get doubly flamed for this, but your immediate family should be both you and your husbands first priority. It appears your husband may be placing his extended family first and if that is the cases, you should evaluate if you want to continue in this marriage. It also may be helpful get an outsider opinion and speak with a therapist as well. Good luck whatever you decide to do. |
Anonymous
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You owe them $0.00.
His mother is an able adult - she can work 40, 50, 60 hours a week. I've met immigrants who work 90 hours a week, my DH (American) works 62-72 a week. His mother can work fulltime or beyond, and they can rent an apartment - even if that means a basement apartment or studio apartment. His father can obviously get SSA disability. Plus, they might qualify for food stamps, medicaid, etc. This is their problem, don't allow yourselfs to be co-dependants and go rescue them!! |
Anonymous
Yes the mom should work. They made their bed. |
Anonymous
| OP - Do they qualify for Food Stamps, HEAP, etc.? |
Anonymous
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If your DH wants to help his parents and his siblings, he needs to get a higher paying job. That simple.
Basically, your in-laws are bottomless pits of financial irresponsibility. Puts your foot down and tell your DH that if he wants to help, he will have to do it with his money left over AFTER helping to fund retirements, kids' college funds and the downpayment on a house. And honestly, if you do not already own a house, your family is not in a position to help your in-laws or anyone else. |
Anonymous
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I agree with PPs who say you are right to set limits. I think your DH will think you are an ogre if you refuse to help his parents when you are able to do so. Just because people make poor decisions doesn't mean that you have a right to leave them lying in the ditch in the midst of their own messes. It is charitable and Christian (I'm a Christian) to offer to help. That does not mean that you have to make sacrifices, though, OP. Fulfill your family financial obligations first, and then offer what you can to help these hapless people.
We don't choose our relatives, OP. Your DH didn't choose his parents, but he loves them, and if you love your DH, you will help them, even if it's just a token amount. |
Anonymous
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It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.
Yes op you should help. |