Am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You set the guidelines at the end of your post. Nothing for ILs until after you've satisfied your family's financial requirements.

If DH can't deal, let him get a job that pays more.

+1

[Anonymous]

PP, just want to say how sorry I am that you have to deal with this, OP. I went through a similar situation with my own family, and it's very stressful. In the end, I paid what I could, and my conscience was clear, even though I did resent bailing out family members who ought to have known better.

Also, remember that you are a model for your children. The way you treat your parents and ILs is the way your children will treat you. If you are fair and respectful to your ILs, your children will be fair and respectful (when the time comes) to you.

[Anonymous]

Here's what will happen. He will spend down whatever little assets he has and then qualify for Medicaid for nursing home. His primary house won't be touched for that, but can his wife afford it? They may be better off selling and renting an apartment or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PPs who say you are right to set limits. I think your DH will think you are an ogre if you refuse to help his parents when you are able to do so. Just because people make poor decisions doesn't mean that you have a right to leave them lying in the ditch in the midst of their own messes. It is charitable and Christian (I'm a Christian) to offer to help. That does not mean that you have to make sacrifices, though, OP. Fulfill your family financial obligations first, and then offer what you can to help these hapless people.

We don't choose our relatives, OP. Your DH didn't choose his parents, but he loves them, and if you love your DH, you will help them, even if it's just a token amount.

I agree with this. Don't jeopardize your immediate family's finances, but please do be compassionate and give what you can. Please don't heed the previous posts along the lines of "you don't owe them a cent" and "they made their bed, they can go lie in it." You wouldn't want your kids to have that attitude toward you or other human beings. Everyone makes mistakes. Help them in spite of the mistakes they've made and will continue to make; don't take the low road of "it's your own fault, i don't owe you a cent." These are your children's grandparents and your husband's parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, start with getting the in-laws to an objective third party to help them rearrange the finances the DO have. DH should not play this role, nor should you be involved (though it's likely you will be the one who finds DH a list of resources for this, HE should deal with his own parents here). Many banks will give regular account holders all kinds of free financial planning help if the customers just ask for it. But I would really have DH (not you) lead them on this, and get them to a planner who has already been primed by DH for the fact that mom and dad must figure out a weekly, monthly and annual budget and factor in mom's new job because that needs to be part of it. Another place to look for financial counseling at no or low cost would be senior centers and their city or county government's department on aging (these have different names in different places so you may need to hunt down the right agency).

DH also needs to research hard and fast to see if they are eligible for certain kinds of state or federal aid, especially if dad can claim disability (he would possibly have to stop working to collect, though), or if they can get Medicare etc. This part of it is tricky to negotiate depending on age, whether FIL is truly disabled or is able to work (scaled back), whether MIL should work or not in order to qualify, etc.

But all this has to happen with DH accepting that he, not you, deals with them, and that he should not give them any expectation of any money whatsoever, even if that means telling them up front, "We'll help you get the planning done and the applicatons for program X for aid but we are fully committed to two college funds and our retirement as far as our own funds are concerned." OP, is he tough enough to tell them that, or will he cave?

For yourself, I would be armed with documentation of how much you will need for two college tuitions, your own retirements (which could last many years if you're healthy and live a long time), keeping your home without any risk, health and life insurance costs for your own family, etc. You might need to have a serious sit-down with your DH and show him that even if you seem now to have enough money to pay some bills for his parents, you have a lot of years ahead to cover for your own family, and you cannot put your kids' educations or your own retirements or health care at risk. If this starts to affect your marriage, please get to a couples therapist. There should be no reason to damage a marriage over this, but if he is not really able to see his parents' irresponsibilty or he makes you into a villain--you'll need to work on it.

[Anonymous]

A conditional yes is my answer.

Because I would never deny my husband's parents, if he loved them and wanted to help them.

The condition is that the money come from discretionary income. Your retirement is still fully funded, your children's private school and college are still fully funded, your much-needed therapeutic vacation and your children's educational trips are still fully funded, your house repair stash is still fully funded, and your rainy day stash is still fully funded.

Tell your husband that the money will have to come out from your joint "fun" money.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that you should help but my mother had a gambling addiction and any/all of her and my father's money disappeared into a bottomless pit. In fact, she died from all the stress of losing the money and not just her money but money she borrowed from friends and relatives to fuel her addiction. We were threatened with law suits from people after she died. (We are also immigrants, so different country, different laws).

So do you think helping your husband's relatives will "help" or just "enable" them in their lifetime habit of creating financial messes?

[Anonymous]

I won't say whether you should or should not help them, but if you do, I wouldn't give the money directly to them since they have proven irresponsible with it. I'd offer to pay the electric bill, landlord, or have groceries delivered instead. Pay the bill, not the in laws since they'll likely waste it. That said, not everyone is good with money, so no judging there. Some people are naturally good savers, some figure out money management later in life and some never do. It's the same with all things. Some people are naturally athletic, or snappy dressers, or have an eye for decorating. Some don't. Stop judging people for being bad at something you happen to be good at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't say whether you should or should not help them, but if you do, I wouldn't give the money directly to them since they have proven irresponsible with it. I'd offer to pay the electric bill, landlord, or have groceries delivered instead. Pay the bill, not the in laws since they'll likely waste it. That said, not everyone is good with money, so no judging there. Some people are naturally good savers, some figure out money management later in life and some never do. It's the same with all things. Some people are naturally athletic, or snappy dressers, or have an eye for decorating. Some don't. Stop judging people for being bad at something you happen to be good at.

ITA with all of this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't say whether you should or should not help them, but if you do, I wouldn't give the money directly to them since they have proven irresponsible with it. I'd offer to pay the electric bill, landlord, or have groceries delivered instead. Pay the bill, not the in laws since they'll likely waste it. That said, not everyone is good with money, so no judging there. Some people are naturally good savers, some figure out money management later in life and some never do. It's the same with all things. Some people are naturally athletic, or snappy dressers, or have an eye for decorating. Some don't. Stop judging people for being bad at something you happen to be good at.

ITA with all of this post.

I agree except for the bolded part. You don't need to judge but if they are asking for a handout... well, people are going to judge that they are an entitled irresponsible asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't say whether you should or should not help them, but if you do, I wouldn't give the money directly to them since they have proven irresponsible with it. I'd offer to pay the electric bill, landlord, or have groceries delivered instead. Pay the bill, not the in laws since they'll likely waste it. That said, not everyone is good with money, so no judging there. Some people are naturally good savers, some figure out money management later in life and some never do. It's the same with all things. Some people are naturally athletic, or snappy dressers, or have an eye for decorating. Some don't. Stop judging people for being bad at something you happen to be good at.

ITA with all of this post.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't say whether you should or should not help them, but if you do, I wouldn't give the money directly to them since they have proven irresponsible with it. I'd offer to pay the electric bill, landlord, or have groceries delivered instead. Pay the bill, not the in laws since they'll likely waste it. That said, not everyone is good with money, so no judging there. Some people are naturally good savers, some figure out money management later in life and some never do. It's the same with all things. Some people are naturally athletic, or snappy dressers, or have an eye for decorating. Some don't. Stop judging people for being bad at something you happen to be good at.

ITA with all of this post.

I agree except for the bolded part. You don't need to judge but if they are asking for a handout... well, people are going to judge that they are an entitled irresponsible asshole.

I actually agree the most with the bolded part. OP, stop comparing yourself to others. We all have walked different paths in this life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't say whether you should or should not help them, but if you do, I wouldn't give the money directly to them since they have proven irresponsible with it. I'd offer to pay the electric bill, landlord, or have groceries delivered instead. Pay the bill, not the in laws since they'll likely waste it. That said, not everyone is good with money, so no judging there. Some people are naturally good savers, some figure out money management later in life and some never do. It's the same with all things. Some people are naturally athletic, or snappy dressers, or have an eye for decorating. Some don't. Stop judging people for being bad at something you happen to be good at.

ITA with all of this post.

I agree except for the bolded part. You don't need to judge but if they are asking for a handout... well, people are going to judge that they are an entitled irresponsible asshole.

I actually agree the most with the bolded part. OP, stop comparing yourself to others. We all have walked different paths in this life.

-1 I feel sorry that OP will be forced to help them with HER money or made to feel like a "bad" person. Either way, OP loses.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely agree with folks that say that you should help, but holding a firm line, but within the family budget. I'm not so much liking the"if DH doesn't like it, he should get a higher paying job" comments (by PPs, OP didn't say this). People in a marriage earn different amounts of money, and for different reasons-- education, parenting responsibilities, etc. No, the person who has the higher income does not get to call all the financial shots, because it's your (plural) money and you plural need to maKe joint decisions on major financial issues. If OP was a SAHM and was posting that her DH would not "let" her help her parents, I'm betting there wouldn't be many "we'll get a job" comments, and that any comments of this nature would be met with outrage. (BTW, how do you know DH doesn't earn less because he works PT or at a less demanding job and is the primary parent)?

[Anonymous]

^^^ well get a job, not we'll get a job...