In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just another voice here to say that you should take time to process all of this and not make immediate decisions.

Ultimately, you are going to have to decide if YOU feel cheating is some ultimate unforgivable sin. Society portrays it that way, but at least to me, I see it as a human frailty, no different than any other selfish decision people make in relationships. (I would rather DW cheat on me than gamble the kids' college fund away, for example).

Another way to look at it - 50% of marriages end in divorce, approximately 50% of people have cheated on their spouses at some point. Accounting for overlap, it is safe to say that the majority of couples who say "I do" in their 20s and 30s will not remain faithful till death do us part. Many people believe their spouses have been faithful and live in ignorant bliss, as you would have done if the OW hadn't maliciously contacted you with the sole intent of making you and your DH as miserable as she apparently is.

Not excusing cheating of course, but if you understand how common it is, perhaps you will see it as just one of many human failings. You are certainly entitled to see this as a dealbreaker (especially without children), but I sometimes wonder if its a little naive to expect that the next relationship will be free of infidelity as well.

Best of luck.

This statistic has been proven false 900 times. Second, maybe cheating would be markedly reduced if people would just be honest with their sexual needs. If the OP's husband cannot be faithful, then he should have told her before the wedding. Is there really something so awful with two people pledging emotional fidelity and loyalty but understanding the occasionally they require something physical outside the marriage?

[Anonymous]

I had a situation where my husband point blank told me about flirtatious messages while I was pregnant but no actual cheating. I had no idea. I demanded access to his phone and email. I deleted problematic apps and put a passcode on the phone. I combed through years of his old emails back to even before we met. It made me sick to do it but it gave me a good insight into he was when I wasn't around. I found no evidence of physical cheating. And his other messages were run of the mill stuff. In all I figured out he was a pretty good guy. Eventually I relinquished control of his phone and accounts and trusted him again. I still keep a lookout for things and he knows it. And he likes it that way because he wants to do the right thing.

You have got to figure out what kind of guy you have. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Your DH was old enough to know better. Don't have kids with this man. I would cut and run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still do not understand the other woman's motivation. Why contact someone with news that is going to cause enormous problems for someone? Sounds like a jilted lover.

Maybe she thought OP deserved to know?

+1
I would want to know. I hate the people who are trying to turn this into a competition between OP and the other woman- there was no competition; neither knew the other existed. I'm sure that woman was hurt but it doesn't make her sinister and it doesn't mean she shouldn't be believed. What if OP found out about all of this later, after she was pregnant, would that be better? Right now the OP has knowledge and she has a choice and I would be thanking the woman for opening my eyes.
OP, I do hope you will pick one friend or family member to confide in. Someone objective and nonjudgmental that can be a sounding board to you and support you in whatever decision you make. I know it seems impossible right now but you will get through this! Best to you.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all of the responses but it would bother me that he lied to this other woman and pretended he was single. That's cold, calculated, self-centered lying.

[Anonymous]

Thanks from OP. It is helpful to read through these messages. I am too ashamed and it is too new for me to talk to anyone in my life right now. I contacted my EAP program to set up an individual counseling session and couples therapy. DH has said he will go to individual counseling as well. My goal is to hang on to the boards and my thoughts for a few days until I can get an appointment.

I keep looking at this from two angles -- #1. He was wrong and indiscreet and did it as a last hurrah before getting married. Now that we are physically in the same city, sharing a home, and now married, and it is all "real," he has left that side behind and is focused on us and our future. Or angle #2. All of #1 plus he is a pathological liar who cannot be trusted.

I honestly feel like I do not know who I married. When we talked last night, I felt like I was talking to a stranger or that I was watching an awful Lifetime movie. I can't believe I put everything on the line for him and gave him my absolute trust, and he has destroyed everything. If I leave, he understands that I am a 100% clean break type of person. He knows if I leave him I will wipe all traces of him from my life and never speak to him again. But I have been here before, coming out of bad breakups with two serious BFs where I cut all ties immediately, and while it was a good high road to take, it took me years to personally recover and open my heart.

Right now I feel like I wasted four years of my life. As wonderful as our best times have been, today I wish I had never met him. It sounds dramatic, but I feel like he has ruined so much. He has ruined what I had thought was a happy past. He has clearly ruined the present, what is supposed to be our honeymoon phase and new life. And he has most likely ruined our future. Moreover, whether this works out with him or not, I feel like his behaviors have impacted my future, individually. Either I stay and always feel worried he is being unfaithful, or I leave and always wonder if it was a mistake to do so. And I worry that his actions might wind up ruining my chances of being a mother. Clearly, we will put baby making on hold. But I'm looking towards the south side of my 30s -- if we put it off and stay together it may never happen for us as we get older. Will I always resent him for that? If I leave and start over, I may never find someone to partner with and parent with. And the resentment and anger would only grow. Either way I just lose.

24 hours ago my world was fantastic and now it is a heap of absolute shit.

[Anonymous]

I would kick hik out, he will cheat again.

[Anonymous]

Professionally, I honestly feel that I would need to change jobs if we divorced. I'm still receiving congrats messages from coworkers seeing I am using a new sender name/email address. I couldn't face my coworkers and everyone knowing I was in a marriage that was over before it began. I dread facing family and friends. I wonder what I would do and where I would go. I was able to transfer my job when we moved to our city (we moved for his job), which is fortunate, but I am still new to the city, have only a few friends here, no family, no other ties. Where would I go? Would I stay here where I could run into him and where we have all these memories? Do I return to where I used to live, a place I enjoyed but was happy to leave behind for a new start with him? I don't want to talk to anyone in my life about this because I don't know what I am going to do and I am so horribly humiliated.

OP I just wanted to address this part. You need a therapist to help you with these feelings, but please know that, unfortunately, you are not alone. I posted earlier about dumping my fiancé when I discovered what really was a pathological series of lies--he was very smart and we had a very strong connection, but ultimately he was damaged.

I also know more about the situation you are in that you might think. I know this because a very dear coworker of mine has just gone through something similar--only it wasn't long distance when he was carrying on another affair and she had been with her husband for more than 15 years as bf/gf, although she discovered the infidelity just months into their marriage. Yes, they were together for 15 years, their families entwined, they had a big family wedding in their shared hometown, and less than 6 months later, its all over, and she discovered he had been lying for a few years--up to the wedding. He claimed that he decided that he would stop when he got married--that in effect, he got married in order to force himself to make a choice (but denying her the power to make a choice too) and that lasted for a while, but then he got back in touch with the other woman and started carrying on again. The worst part is that he continued to lie, deny, has shown no remorse or regret--she had NO CHOICE but to initiate divorce proceedings, but I think it has been a horrible, horrible time for her and the worst part is questioning her own judgment. Yet the rest of us just think: he is a sociopath, or at least incredible narcissist, and because she is one of the most loving, trusting, responsible people, she is exactly the type that gets screwed.

anyway, she is getting through it--quietly. Only a few people know, as for the rest, she just keeps things private, although she stopped wearing a ring. And you know what, most people are curious for a bit, and then they move on with their own lives--for better or worse.

I'm not telling you what to do--I'm just saying that the feelings of shame should not motivate your decision. So, no decision for now. Clarity will come.

one question: how settled is he in his career? what are his self esteem issues? With my ex, and my friend's ex, both were gusy in their mid 40s who hadn't really figured it out yet. The flirting and other relationships were ways of dealing with a lack of inner core and sense of self.

[Anonymous]

First and foremost OP, I want to let you know I sincerely am very sorry for your pain right now.

Your posting was very painful to read, your husband has hurt you very much + that is evident to anyone who reads what you wrote.

Since you are numb right now (understandably so!), I would not do anything rash in this moment.

Let everything soak itself in for now.

Since your husband sounds like he wants to save the union, and you DO state that you still love him very much in return....I would go ahead w/both the couples counseling as well as individual.

After some time and counseling, I think you will be in a much better position about what to do about your marriage.

Important:

I would hold off on trying to have a child until you decide what to do.

[Anonymous]

P.S. Make sure your husband follows through on couples as well as individual counseling.

Some people state they will do this at the beginning because it sound sincere, but then later on they may simply quit for a number of reasons. Or excuses.

If your husband does not follow through on what he told you he would do, then no one would blame you if you gave him his walking papers stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks from OP. It is helpful to read through these messages. I am too ashamed and it is too new for me to talk to anyone in my life right now. I contacted my EAP program to set up an individual counseling session and couples therapy. DH has said he will go to individual counseling as well. My goal is to hang on to the boards and my thoughts for a few days until I can get an appointment.

I keep looking at this from two angles -- #1. He was wrong and indiscreet and did it as a last hurrah before getting married. Now that we are physically in the same city, sharing a home, and now married, and it is all "real," he has left that side behind and is focused on us and our future. Or angle #2. All of #1 plus he is a pathological liar who cannot be trusted.

I honestly feel like I do not know who I married. When we talked last night, I felt like I was talking to a stranger or that I was watching an awful Lifetime movie. I can't believe I put everything on the line for him and gave him my absolute trust, and he has destroyed everything. If I leave, he understands that I am a 100% clean break type of person. He knows if I leave him I will wipe all traces of him from my life and never speak to him again. But I have been here before, coming out of bad breakups with two serious BFs where I cut all ties immediately, and while it was a good high road to take, it took me years to personally recover and open my heart.

Right now I feel like I wasted four years of my life. As wonderful as our best times have been, today I wish I had never met him. It sounds dramatic, but I feel like he has ruined so much. He has ruined what I had thought was a happy past. He has clearly ruined the present, what is supposed to be our honeymoon phase and new life. And he has most likely ruined our future. Moreover, whether this works out with him or not, I feel like his behaviors have impacted my future, individually. Either I stay and always feel worried he is being unfaithful, or I leave and always wonder if it was a mistake to do so. And I worry that his actions might wind up ruining my chances of being a mother. Clearly, we will put baby making on hold. But I'm looking towards the south side of my 30s -- if we put it off and stay together it may never happen for us as we get older. Will I always resent him for that? If I leave and start over, I may never find someone to partner with and parent with. And the resentment and anger would only grow. Either way I just lose.

24 hours ago my world was fantastic and now it is a heap of absolute shit.

I would be having all of these thoughts too OP!
Part of me agrees with your first point- he only did this until it was 'real' and you guys were in the same space, so maybe it's not the end of the world? But another, larger, part of me thinks your time living in different places was real enough to build a relationship and get engaged, so he is a horrible , deceitful, liar. Is he just someone who is always going to need a certain level of attention from other women? Ugh, this just really sucks and I understand the rest of the thought process you laid out too. I have no advice, just sending you good thoughts. I know this is so devastating.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been in your shoes and have a few bits of advice:

- Do not make any decisions today or tomorrow. Give yourself the time you need to process. However long that is perfectly fine.

- I would not share this with family. I think at this early stage in your marriage, you would get a lot of "it was before you were engaged/married" excuses on his behalf. That doesn't matter - what matters is what is acceptable to you. (And you likely do not know that yet.)

- I would share this information with a friend - an old, close friend who has always been on your side but can call you on BS when needed. Someone who will support you regardless of your decisions moving forward.

- While there is some comfort now in having complete access to all of his accounts/phones/etc. Eventually, it will become a tiresome chore and it will be an activity that will perpetually keep you on edge. For me, it was that realization that was the clincher in deciding to end my marriage. I knew I could never trust him again and I didn't want to live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Other couples have had success in rebuilding trust. That is not something I could do.

- Take care of yourself. Eat right, take walks, whatever you need to do to feel sane that is healthy.

[Anonymous]

OP, how well does anyone ever know another human being? Everybody has a dark side and we trust that we will never encounter that part of them.

[Anonymous]

one question: how settled is he in his career? what are his self esteem issues? With my ex, and my friend's ex, both were gusy in their mid 40s who hadn't really figured it out yet. The flirting and other relationships were ways of dealing with a lack of inner core and sense of self. [/quote

]

Thank you for your thoughtful message. We are both established in our careers and have normal self esteem. No past issues with depression or substance abuse or anything. He has a high-powered job and has been recognized repeatedly for his work. I always thought he had actually suppressed what could have been a high ego given the professional achievement; he doesn't brag, throw around his weight, etc. It is a stressful job with long hours. I could see flirting and other things of that sort to be an escape, something he did when he was single for many years that carried on after we started a relationship and then of course when we became engaged. I did talk to him about whether the excitement of the what-if and all the potential that comes with flirting or carrying on with someone new is what he is drawn to. If he needs that level of external attention and will seek it out, outside of what he gets in a committed relationship, it is pretty obvious he needs to not be married.

[Anonymous]

OP be thankful you don't have children with this man. That makes everything 1000 times more complicated. You have the ability to leave now. I can't imagine starting a brand new marriage with someone who already f-ed things up before it even started. It sounds to me like your marriage has no chance. Sorry to be blunt.

I'm having a hard time with the excuses everyone is providing for this guy. He is a liar -period. I have no time for liars. Despite counseling etc I seriously doubt this man will change.

I do not buy the excuse that it was long distance, therefore it was somehow OK? NO!! -it was still an exclusive relationship - and he broke your trust. Honestly he sounds like a conniving a-hole who thought the was getting away with everything. And all these flirty messages? Who knows how many other women he was, or has been talking to all this time?

It appears to me that your reasons for not wanting to divorce are more out of shame, than having to do with any feelings for him. I mean, sure you love him, but it sounds like your feelings of embarrassment and not knowing what to do logistically are worrying you more than anything else. Don't let those feelings stop you from making the right decision. Be grateful you found out about this now.