Reply to How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming  and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.[/quote]

NP.  Thank you for posting this.  My husband and I are in counseling (individual and couples) to see if we can continue our marriage after discovery of infidelity that went on for many years.  We also have a young child.  It is good to hear a story that provides some hope that it may

Unfortunately, there aren't many stories out there. Not even our marriage counselor thought we'd make it. Now she's encouraged us to write a book. Our story was worse than most, given the length of the affair, the fact that I discovered it on my own (he didn't come clean until he had no choice), and the depth of the deception. When the wounds were fresh, I looked everywhere for success stories but found few. SurvivingInfidelity.com was helpful initially. Everyone thought I was crazy to stay. I lost friends who just couldn't understand my decision and the judgement of others was palpable. There were many factors working against us, but some critical ones in our favor: He never loved his affair partner, it was purely physical; he was remorseful and committed to going the distance to save our marriage; and he broke off all contact with her immediately. We'd known each other for decades and grew up together, for better or for worse. And when the dust settled, we discovered how much we meant to one another. People who tell you that staying is weak have no idea how much courage it takes to rebuild a broken marriage. In our case, it was worth it. I wish you the best.[/quote]

NP here.  You mentioned that you planned on leaving and that in therapy really figured out what you need in a partner and what you need for yourself.  Do you think if your initial was to stay and work things out that you would have gotten as far?  On some level do you think both people have to recommit to making that choice to be married and be afraid they will lose the other person if they don't get it togther? Almost like knowing what you know now, pretend there isn't the financial aspect and the kid aspect, would you truly still marry the other person?[/quote]

Good question. If we hadn't had a child together, I wouldn't have tried to save the marriage. It was too broken. I went to therapy initially to learn how to co-parent without destroying our child. My anger and hurt was so violent, I was afraid of infecting our child with that venom and alienating her from her father. DD wanted to save our marriage and family from the beginning. We got a lot of therapy and in time, I learned what I needed. I also learned more about my husband, whom I'd known for decades. Equally important, my husband learned things about himself he'd never faced before. DH never pressured me to make a decision. I knew where he stood on the issue. The focus was on my own healing at first, and the answers I needed from him. The rebuilding came later. So no, I would not have stayed were it not for our daughter. But I am so grateful that I did. I have never been so happy, despite this pain, and we are happy as a family.

I cannot stress this enough for those in the thick of things: Take time to make a decision. If you are hurting, you are not in control of your emotions right now. Staying is hard. Leaving is hard. Heal yourself first, and then decide.[/quote]

You should write a book pp, this is excellent advice.

-signed "been there"[/quote]

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