DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually disagree on the separate accounts and budget part. I've never been divorced though, so take it for what it's worth. The transition from "me" to "us" isn't keeping things separate. At least it wasn't for us. Maybe that doesn't work for everyone. OP, you do have to put your foot down. "We" make choices and decisions. Of course family can visit, but "we" decide when and how. It's "our" house. If money gets spent "we" decide how and when because it's "our" money. Sit down and start talking about long range plans and what you want to spend your money on. Do you want to save up for something? New furniture or a new car? A dinner out or a trip to an amusement park? Whatever you decide is fine. Then if a brother wants to borrow money for instance there is a discussion about how much you can lend before you can still buy that car or take that trip. Or if a family member wants to visit maybe he can't until you get back from your trip. You have to check your family calendar. What is your work calendar and the school calendar? You are a FAMILY now. Start talking about that and it will help.

We talk about this ALL of the time. We talk about our goals (e.g., buying a house, vacation, etc.), but he thinks the family emergency trumps our family goals. I have talked & talked ad nauseum about how we are a family now, how we need to make decisions together. Talking doesn't really seem to work because DH pays lip service to us being a "team" and then undermines that by taking unilateral action. I like the idea of separate accounts because we are grown adults, each used to managing our own money. If he covers everything he needs to, including the emergency fund and goals fund, then I agree that he can do whatever he wants with his "discretionary" money. I plan to do the same. I just don't see $2K as "discretionary." It came out of the pot that we use for family things, and that's not OK.

I don't believe in threatening to leave because why make an empty threat? I don't think running for the hills is the best way to deal with conflict. But talking isn't working. We need to give eachother veto power, as a PP suggested, and talk about what that would look like but I don't know how to get there.

[Anonymous]

You need counseling. Plain and simple. The fact that he is refusing just shows he is not willing to work on your family.

Its time to buck up OP. He wont listen to you and talking does nothing, so its time for a third party or time to leave.

Or just stay and be unahppy. He needs to grow up and see a counselor with you bc its obvious there is no cimmunication and understanding going on.

Speaking as someone who went into counseling 1.5 years into my marriage.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married? How old is each of you? Is this the first marriage for both of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And whatever you do, don't a child with him until you see whether he's willing to discuss these things and become a team player.

We already have a child together. This is my 2nd marriage, so I get that divorce is an option. I'm saying to you all in this forum that right here, right now, it is premature to divorce. I put that in mostly to help focus the comments. Obviously, that wasn't very successful.

For those who have suggested that there is a learning curve and that it takes time, do you have any concrete suggestions as to help us through the transition. I like the idea about the separate accounts & detailed budget.

You already have a child together and he is making unilateral financial decisions? He's agreeing to let a relative live with you without asking your permission? He doesn't see anything wrong with this. He refuses counseling or compromise.

Yikes, joint and individual accounts and a budget aren't going to solve your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think I am being childish. I drew a boundary -- the very advice some of you have given me. Divorce is not an option for me. Leaving him is not an option. Regretting my decision to marry him and perhaps failing to heed red flags does not help me now.

OP specifically said that they are newlyweds and believe me, OP, it does take time to sort these things out. These people who are saying so high and mightily that you should run for the hills are forgetting that they most likely went through the same type of thing in their own marriages. I think you have a very clear perspective on what's going on. Your DH simply has not crossed into the "we" as family, versus the "family of origin" as family. For some people this is really hard. It may speak to his level of maturity, but it does not mean that he is a bad guy or that you necessarily ignored red flags.

Some things that helped me, 10 years ago:

Put as much physical distance between your family (you and DH) and these relatives as you can. If that sounds harsh or brutal, I'm sorry. I hope they don't live in the same town, because it's much harder to separate when they do. Start considering carefully how much you visit them. Of course you want to be warm and gracious when you are together, but seeing his family should not be a regular part of your social life.

Make sure you've cut your own family cords. You shouldn't be complaining about all of this on the phone to your mother, for example.


Start working to build your life together so that he can put his energies there. Do you have "couple" friends? Do you have a big project, like a house or planning a vacation, that you can work on together? Dream your dreams together and make sure they don't include all of these other people. Save money together for something big that you both want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think I am being childish. I drew a boundary -- the very advice some of you have given me. Divorce is not an option for me. Leaving him is not an option. Regretting my decision to marry him and perhaps failing to heed red flags does not help me now.

OP specifically said that they are newlyweds and believe me, OP, it does take time to sort these things out. These people who are saying so high and mightily that you should run for the hills are forgetting that they most likely went through the same type of thing in their own marriages. I think you have a very clear perspective on what's going on. Your DH simply has not crossed into the "we" as family, versus the "family of origin" as family. For some people this is really hard. It may speak to his level of maturity, but it does not mean that he is a bad guy or that you necessarily ignored red flags.

Some things that helped me, 10 years ago:

Put as much physical distance between your family (you and DH) and these relatives as you can. If that sounds harsh or brutal, I'm sorry. I hope they don't live in the same town, because it's much harder to separate when they do. Start considering carefully how much you visit them. Of course you want to be warm and gracious when you are together, but seeing his family should not be a regular part of your social life.

Make sure you've cut your own family cords. You shouldn't be complaining about all of this on the phone to your mother, for example.


Start working to build your life together so that he can put his energies there. Do you have "couple" friends? Do you have a big project, like a house or planning a vacation, that you can work on together? Dream your dreams together and make sure they don't include all of these other people. Save money together for something big that you both want.

I think you missed the part where OP said they ALREADY have a child together. So even though they're newlyweds, they had the kid beforehand. If he didn't transition to the "team" mindset with the KID, I don't know if it's going to happen with the marriage. I think that's what people are pointing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And whatever you do, don't a child with him until you see whether he's willing to discuss these things and become a team player.

We already have a child together. This is my 2nd marriage, so I get that divorce is an option. I'm saying to you all in this forum that right here, right now, it is premature to divorce. I put that in mostly to help focus the comments. Obviously, that wasn't very successful.

For those who have suggested that there is a learning curve and that it takes time, do you have any concrete suggestions as to help us through the transition. I like the idea about the separate accounts & detailed budget.

OP, you said you are a newlywed but you already have a child together. How long have you been together? This behavior might be quite entrenched already. If he is used to making unilateral decisions when it comes to his family, you will not be able to change that unless he puts your family (meaning the three of you) ahead of his other relatives. My guess would be that he comes from a patriarchal family or culture or has been filling the role of the patriarch of the family due to an absent or detached father. He doesn't want to check with you first. Of course, you could give him and the relative the cold shoulder when it happens but that would just make you look bad or pathetic. I suggest professional marriage counseling if your DH will agree to it.

[Anonymous]

I have been married 15 years. It took us about this long to work out all the big issues. We have both faced our faults and worked through them. We know each other well and we both know what we expect from one another for a marriage to last. When a marriage is new you are just starting to face many big decisions together. It takes a while to figure each other out. Especially stressful when kids are little. You will see the same types of issues come up again and again. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP obviously learned nothing from her first divorce. Can see why the divorce rate for multiple marriages is so high.

[Anonymous]

I had a serious bf that put his family and friends before me. He was always available for any emergency, personal or financial. Everyone though he was awesome. Let me tell you, it got really old. I was expected to be a good sport about it and be his willing helper. I had actually been attracted to that part of him when we met, since he was there for me as a friend initially. After we broke up after a huge fight about this, I vowed to find someone who put me and my future children first. It is really about love and respect. My DH has done this from the start and I do the same for him with my relatives. Don't settle for less.

[Anonymous]

Just coming across this discussion and wondering what ever happened. My experience was similar but spouse did it with a friend he considered family. I felt upset a lot. Spouse made decisions without consulting me. I went along because I felt I had no choice an our arguments went over and over again. Friend was supposed to stay 2 weeks, turned into 3 months, supposed to buy a car from us, got it and didn't have money to pay. Wanted us to be guardians for their kids and husband said yes with out consulting me. So I thought long and hard and decided I wasn't going to divorce. Yes, other things had happened too. But after having 2 children now in their 20's decided not to leave. So after arguing, him refusing counseling, him being upset I didn't consider the friend family like he did, telling me the time was never right to talk to them about car or guardianship, and also has ga lighting...he didn't remember if he said certain things or not, I sent texts to friend and said we never loan money so please pay us for the car and we can't be guardians. Has this caused friction between me and friend...absolutely but I decided this was the only way I could handle it without leaving spouse. Also at this point I don't really feel I care what friend thinks. If spoiuse would let them move in again I would leave. Spouse is upset with what I did, but I felt that was thjhe oinly option. Noiw when he tells me about friend and latest problem I just listen, say "that's tooii bad" and go about my day.

[Anonymous]

Just to post the flip side of this, after enough time together, why do big decisions have to made in consultation with each other? If you know each other well enough and trust each other's judgment, it seems to me that most decisions don't need to be discussed.

A few weeks ago I came home and my wife let me know that starting in March my sister in law would be staying with us during the work week for up to six months. My wife knows my opinion on those types of issues, so what's there to talk and consult about? Of course she told her sister that she could stay with us.

[Anonymous]

Look OP, even if you don't plan on leaving, you need to let him know it's a possibility if his behavior does not change. Sometimes for people to really look at themselves they need to experience the possibility of losing it all. When you talk to him make sure you let him know that you care about his family as well, but you need to feel like you are an equal in the marriage.

Are your finances joint? My DH and I decided if we want to make a purchase over $50 we need to consult the other person (unless it's regular stuff like food). All of our finances are joint though, so we both have complete control over all the accounts. Also, another thing I tell my DH is he is not allowed to ask me something when he has someone on the phone, he needs to tell them that he'll talk to me and get back to them. He used to just ask me while he was on the phone with them and that would make it really awkward for me to so no.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need more than advice on an anonymous board. You need to see a counselor with your husband who will help you get on the same page. I am guessing this is one of MANY issues between you and you guys have to figure out how to work together constructively, STAT.

Money, in-laws, sex, house-keeping, childcare, all of those are MAJOR conflict areas. No one in a marriage can act unilaterally like your DH is doing on ANY of those issues.

You need to insist on couples therapy, immediately, if you don't want your second marriage to end up like your first. Seriously, for your DH to do this is a major red flag about how he sees you and your marriage and how his life has changed (or in his eyes, has not changed). The needs of his brother do not trump all. He has other very serious obligations now and if he does not see that, that is trouble.

The two of you clearly have different expectations about fundamental issues (money, who stays in your house) and that is NOT GOOD. Such things should be worked out before marriage, but since they were not, you need to come to an understanding fast, with the help of a neutral third party who can help keep the emotions under control.

Your or his workplace may provide a few free sessions with a counselor as part of your benefits package and you should try that if money is an issue. Or ask for recommendations through DCUM. But GO. Get the counseling now. Too many people wait until their marriage is a wreck and resentments and anger have built up. You guys need to learn to work together now at the start of things. And I think it will help you because a third party is going to make it clear to him that the way he is acting is not OK, so it will not be just you saying that. Good luck. The start of a marriage is a negotiation process and it is new, but you've really got to set some boundaries and expectations and make it clear that they must be met.

[Anonymous]

Oh no, no one moves into our home unless both agree. That would include step children who live with the other parent. I would never let someone's brother move in. Helping someone once would be ok, but I would have had your husband pay a month or 2 of rent in a small apt somewhere. Lot's of compromises. My friend wasted over 10 years with a guy, he kept giving money to his worthless adult children. Paid one's divorce lawyer behind my friends back, she finally had to divorce him.

You need to put your foot down, no more money going out or you will get divorced.