Reply to DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I actually disagree on the separate accounts and budget part. I've never been divorced though, so take it for what it's worth. The transition from "me" to "us" isn't keeping things separate. At least it wasn't for us. Maybe that doesn't work for everyone. OP, you do have to put your foot down. "We" make choices and decisions. Of course family can visit, but "we" decide when and how. It's "our" house. If money gets spent "we" decide how and when because it's "our" money. Sit down and start talking about long range plans and what you want to spend your money on. Do you want to save up for something? New furniture or a new car? A dinner out or a trip to an amusement park? Whatever you decide is fine. Then if a brother wants to borrow money for instance there is a discussion about how much you can lend before you can still buy that car or take that trip. Or if a family member wants to visit maybe he can't until you get back from your trip. You have to check your family calendar. What is your work calendar and the school calendar? You are a FAMILY now. Start talking about that and it will help. [/quote]

We talk about this ALL of the time.  We talk about our goals (e.g., buying a house, vacation, etc.), but he thinks the family emergency trumps our family goals.  I have talked & talked ad nauseum about how we are a family now, how we need to make decisions together.  Talking doesn't really seem to work because DH pays lip service to us being a "team" and then undermines that by taking unilateral action.  I like the idea of separate accounts because we are grown adults, each used to managing our own money.  If he covers everything he needs to, including the emergency fund and goals fund, then I agree that he can do whatever he wants with his "discretionary" money.  I plan to do the same.  I just don't see $2K as "discretionary."  It came out of the pot that we use for family things, and that's not OK.

I don't believe in threatening to leave because why make an empty threat?  I don't think running for the hills is the best way to deal with conflict.  But talking isn't working.  We need to give eachother veto power, as a PP suggested, and talk about what that would look like  but I don't know how to get there.[/quote]

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