DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
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Anonymous
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I am a newlywed, so DH and I are still sorting some things out and establishing dynamics, boundaries, etc. I am looking for some contructive advice from more experienced couples about how to get DH to include me in decisions that affect us both.
DH hasn't yet transitioned from "him" to "us." DH's family is kind of a mess. There is always something going on & he feels compelled to help in any way he can. We have had two big fights recently about him agreeing to give his brother money ($2K, and likely more to follow) and letting his brother stay with us temporarily. I have repeatedly that he has to consult with me about decisions that affect us both, that he cannot commit us to things like this without talking to me. He barks back that it is his family, that he has to help them, that there isn't another option, that he doesn't have to consult me, etc. On some level, he knows that he does have to consult with me, but I am guessing he feels a little emasculated by having to get "permission." I try to re-frame this as us being a "team" with varying degress of success. After our fight about $, he agreed that he would talk to me before committing our resources. Then last nigth he thanks me for being so understanding and for letting his brother come stay with us . . . sreeeeeech -- what?! This is what I mean by he knows that he has to run it by me, but he is so clearly not doing it in a way that gives me any input. Please don't tell me I'm screwed or that I married the wrong guy. That ship has sailed. I am looking for genuine advice on how to change this dynamic and create more of a partnership. DH will not go to counseling. Thank you. |
Anonymous
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You're only screwed if he really refuses to see that the two of you need to make major decisions together. It's not about him getting permission, it's about the fact that decisions that affect your joint finances and your home together need to be made together.
I think you should sit down and talk to him--instead of saying what he "has" to do, phrase it in terms of how you feel--you thought the two of you were a team, but when he makes important decisions without talking about it with you first, you feel . . . . however it makes you feel. Unimportant to him? Excluded? Powerless in your relationship? Sad? Whatever. Presumably you knew that family was important to him and that he takes what he sees as family obligations seriously before you married him, and hopefully you value that trait in him, but you are also part of his family now and you want to be treated that way. |
Anonymous
This is exactly how I feel. I feel powerless, excluded, and unimportant . . . but I also feel like he doesn't see me as "family" in the same way as he sees his extended family. I keep telling him that we are family now, but I don't see him treating me that way. Hence, I don't think he has transitioned emotionally from "him" to "us." I don't want to be a doormat -- and I don't want his extended family drama to hijack our lives forever. I will try another approach (since telling him what he has to do really only gets his back up), but he inevitably says that he would do the same for my family, that he has to help, that there are no other options, that I just don't understand (because he believes -- perhaps rightly -- that my family is better off financially and otherwise than his). I tell him that we may very well reach the same conclusion, but that I want to be included in the decision-making. The truth is, I want to be able to say "yes" or "no," not just be consulted. I want to share in the decision-making, I want us to be partners. He gives lip service to this, but then does the same thing over again. Literally, we just fought about $ last week and he said that we would make decisions together. Then he dropped the bomb last night. Even if we "talk" again, I am not confident that it will change things. I want to "do" something, but I don't know what. |
Anonymous
| You married the wrong guy. Good luck with your next marriage. |
Anonymous
I guess you have some reading comprehension issues. I specifically said that I was looking for *constructive* advice. See first line of the last paragraph. Go away. |
Anonymous
NP here, you are sort of screwed. Were there no red flags? He doesn't sound like he respects u as a PARTNER. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I guess I should have expected this type of response from DCUM. Thank you, 9:22. Forget the rest of you. Won't be checking this thread again. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like there might be more to the story. Op sounds lovely and like she must be a great communicator and listener lol. |
Anonymous
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But that ship has NOT sailed. You can always leave.
And frankly, if he is making financial decisions without you, divorce now before he gets you both into financial trouble. I'm not the poster who said you married the wrong guy, but this is constructive advice. I've witnessed these problems with family members and their marriages. And the person who is the problem NEVER changes. But what does happen is the other partner (you in this situation) gets entangled deeper and deeper to the point that it then becomes very difficult to leave. At this point, you don't have children. It's easier to leave now than to wait 5 years when you're more financially entangled and you possibly have a child. If he is resistant to the idea that financial decisions on the order of over $1,000 dollars don't need to be run by you and he is unwilling to even entertain counseling, then I don't think he's going to change. Usually, people only get worse. These are HUGE red flags. You're early enough in the marriage now. If nothing else, you need to draw some boundaries. You need to tell him that if he doesn't consult you, you will leave. If he's taking you for granted NOW, trust me, it will only get worse. |
Anonymous
Well, judging by this response, OP deserves what she gets. My guess is that there were red flags before she married him, but she refused to recognize them and/or listen to people tell her she shouldn't marry him. I really dislike people who ASK for advice, but then say, "but don't give me the truth, only the kind of advice I can stomach," and then they pout and shut down. She sounds childish, so no wonder her husband doesn't see her as a partner and doesn't consult her. I don't know what kind of advice she is looking for. She basically says her husband has flat out said he doesn't need to consult her, said he won't go to counseling and has already given away a couple thousand dollars and agreed to a relative *living* with them for an indefinite period of time. It's pretty clear he doesn't want to compromise and/or include her. It seems to me the only choice is to draw boundaries and if he refuses to accept them or work with her, then leave. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I don't think I am being childish. I drew a boundary -- the very advice some of you have given me. Divorce is not an option for me. Leaving him is not an option. Regretting my decision to marry him and perhaps failing to heed red flags does not help me now. |
Anonymous
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I wonder if your husband knows that you think like that. If he does,he likely figures he can do whatever because you won't stand up to him. Sure,you can talk til your face turns blue, but if he knows that ultimately you're going to not leave him, he'll do what he wants. And unless he feels the same way as you, if he starts to find you too annoying, then he will leave you.
Not trying to be mean OP. But when a guy knows his wife isnt going to leave him no matter what,hes going to walk all over her. |
Anonymous
| Ok, if leaving or divorce is not an option, then what incentive is there for your husband to treat you as equals in your marriage? |
Anonymous
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Jesus, ignore the divorce-recommending PPs, OP -- they are the definition of "unhelpful."
It's not surprising that your DH is having a bit of a learning curve here. But you're right: you two are a team, and that team has to come first, before yourselves individually, before your respective families, before friends. And you have an absolute right to have a say in who stays with you -- in fact, you have veto power (as does DH), not that you should use it indiscriminately. First off, pick a time to discuss this when there isn't an ongoing crisis, and when you're both in a good mood. Second, frame it as a discussion: you guys are now in a marriage, which means you both have veto power over significant decisions that directly affect your family. So, you both need to figure out how to deal with that. With my husband, that means that we need each others' ok on money commitment's over $250, for example. And we would never commit to overnight visitors without checking with the other first. But that also means that we trust each other to be generous and understanding, and never to use the veto power unless it was clearly critically necessary. So you both need to talk about whether you trust each other that way -- and if not, why not. Once that's established, you set your rules. This is going to be a process, one that requires both of you to give, so don't expect it to be solved all at once. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Go spend $2000 on a new purse or shoes without asking him.
When he hits the roof, tell him that they are your feet and you didn't think you had to run it by him what you spend on your own feet.  Just joking.
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