DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family

[Anonymous]

PP who just posted is back again. I just read your statement that "DH will not go to counseling." WHAT? NO. He is not allowed to make a unilateral declaration like that. You can say you need counseling. You can demand it. Why the fuck won't he do it? If it were me, I would say, "You will come to counseling with me so we can have a neutral third party help us get on the same page, or I will leave." And then follow through.

Asking for a few sessions with a counselor is not unreasonable. It is beyond ridiculous that he would dismiss that. It sounds to me like you guys desperately need it. If you are not willing to make demands and follow through, I agree with the others that he is going to fucking walk all over you, just like he has gotten angry at YOU and barked at YOU after he did something completely unacceptable. Honestly, if you two do not go to counseling now, if you cannot get him to go to counseling, I predict a very unhappy future for you. He is not acting like a team player.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for you op because I know exactly where you are coming from. My spouse is sounds exactly like yours...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a newlywed, so DH and I are still sorting some things out and establishing dynamics, boundaries, etc. I am looking for some contructive advice from more experienced couples about how to get DH to include me in decisions that affect us both.

DH hasn't yet transitioned from "him" to "us." DH's family is kind of a mess. There is always something going on & he feels compelled to help in any way he can. We have had two big fights recently about him agreeing to give his brother money ($2K, and likely more to follow) and letting his brother stay with us temporarily. I have repeatedly that he has to consult with me about decisions that affect us both, that he cannot commit us to things like this without talking to me. He barks back that it is his family, that he has to help them, that there isn't another option, that he doesn't have to consult me, etc.

On some level, he knows that he does have to consult with me, but I am guessing he feels a little emasculated by having to get "permission." I try to re-frame this as us being a "team" with varying degress of success. After our fight about $, he agreed that he would talk to me before committing our resources. Then last nigth he thanks me for being so understanding and for letting his brother come stay with us . . . sreeeeeech -- what?! This is what I mean by he knows that he has to run it by me, but he is so clearly not doing it in a way that gives me any input.

Please don't tell me I'm screwed or that I married the wrong guy. That ship has sailed. I am looking for genuine advice on how to change this dynamic and create more of a partnership. DH will not go to counseling. Thank you.

Tell him he can help his brother get a job, buy some food etc. After this you should let him know if he continues to give him money or any relative then you will separate your finances.

Would he be ok if you moved in a relative? Moving relatives in seldom works, many overstay their welcome so hopefully that doesn't happen. I don't advocate divorce because at this point I think you can use good psychology on him. 2k is a lot of money, is there going to be a payment plan from the brother? If his family keeps crossing boundaries then I suggest you bypass your dh, you talk to them and make sure they understand the problems they are causing.

[Anonymous]

Do you have an obnoxious relative you could move in that he can't stand? If he keeps doing these things, get creative he might just stop.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling. Insist on it. You're making excuses for your DH. There is no huge transition that one needs to make to know that you need to talk to your spouse about letting someone move into your house. It doesn't even have to be a spouse! Anyone would discuss something like that with a random roommate.

OP, your husband knows he should discuss with you. I PROMISE you he knows. He doesn't want to/doesn't care. This is a huge problem and it will follow you forever. If you don't want divorce to become an option, insist that he go to marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he calls all the shots.... so there really may not be anything you can do. why don't you just get used to it, OP, and stop wasting people's time. I guess you could maybe keep totally separate accounts and just deal with the inconveniences, of the brother staying with you, etc, as they come. Sounds like what he expects.

[Anonymous]

THIS POST IS FROM 2013

OP IS LONG GONE, PEOPLE!