How to handle MIL visiting for too long

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the replies.

The long visit is nothing new for me/us. She comes every year, but usually for only 2 weeks since I had managed to make that a compromise visit length in previous years. We also visit her every year, usually for around 10 days. And for those who implied that I was depriving her of her grandchildren, I forgot to mention that my husband and our daughter just returned THIS WEEK from visiting her for 9 days.

Part of what is bugging me is that this new, longer visit seems like backing out on a prior understanding that 2 weeks was the max I could handle while remaining good natured about it and without taking a toll on my marriage, our work lives, our kids' routines, etc. Personally, I would prefer 1 week twice per year but, given the international travel, had made my peace with 2 week visits instead. I also resent the pretense of being "asked" if the three weeks is OK, when really we are being told it will happen.

Ah, well now if this is the issue, then it is the issue between you and DH. What is his argument for changing the arrangement?

OP, I married an Asian person - long visits are customary. Every couple years, DH's parents come for six months. It makes me crazy, but that is part of the deal when you marry someone whose family is mostly abroad. I don't look forward to the next visit, but I know how much my DH misses home and his family. He basically gave up any opportunity to return home to stay with me, knowing I won't move abroad. Thing about what it must be like to pick up and make a new country your home without your family - 3 weeks a year (or six months every couple years) is really not much in return.

One thing to keep in mind - as his parents get older, the shorter trips are going to become harder. DH's parents are older, so traveling around the world for a month is just too much for them. The journey is physically exhausting for them in a way that it isn't for me. It takes time for them to acclimate to things here, get over jet lag, etc - younger people can bounce back, older people might have a harder time.

PP, I posted earlier (mentioned about in-laws with an expectation to live with us once they can move to the US). Out of curiosity, do you have this expectation in your situation as well, or your DH's parents likely will not move to the US?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the replies.

The long visit is nothing new for me/us. She comes every year, but usually for only 2 weeks since I had managed to make that a compromise visit length in previous years. We also visit her every year, usually for around 10 days. And for those who implied that I was depriving her of her grandchildren, I forgot to mention that my husband and our daughter just returned THIS WEEK from visiting her for 9 days.

Part of what is bugging me is that this new, longer visit seems like backing out on a prior understanding that 2 weeks was the max I could handle while remaining good natured about it and without taking a toll on my marriage, our work lives, our kids' routines, etc. Personally, I would prefer 1 week twice per year but, given the international travel, had made my peace with 2 week visits instead. I also resent the pretense of being "asked" if the three weeks is OK, when really we are being told it will happen.

Ah, well now if this is the issue, then it is the issue between you and DH. What is his argument for changing the arrangement?

OP, I married an Asian person - long visits are customary. Every couple years, DH's parents come for six months. It makes me crazy, but that is part of the deal when you marry someone whose family is mostly abroad. I don't look forward to the next visit, but I know how much my DH misses home and his family. He basically gave up any opportunity to return home to stay with me, knowing I won't move abroad. Thing about what it must be like to pick up and make a new country your home without your family - 3 weeks a year (or six months every couple years) is really not much in return.

One thing to keep in mind - as his parents get older, the shorter trips are going to become harder. DH's parents are older, so traveling around the world for a month is just too much for them. The journey is physically exhausting for them in a way that it isn't for me. It takes time for them to acclimate to things here, get over jet lag, etc - younger people can bounce back, older people might have a harder time.

PP, I posted earlier (mentioned about in-laws with an expectation to live with us once they can move to the US). Out of curiosity, do you have this expectation in your situation as well, or your DH's parents likely will not move to the US?

They likely will not move to the US - they are very well settled where they live with tons of family and friends (and another child/grandchildren) living close to them. We discussed the extended visits before marriage, which helps me not get riled up about the long visits!

[Anonymous]

09:25 here. Thanks for responding, PP. It's fortunate in your case they've got a great life back home (not so in ours; the in-laws don't have the best living conditions, and their children are far away, here in the US).

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate houseguests with a passion. I mean HATE. I can do it for a couple of days with most ppl. I can tolerate my MIL for a max of 3 days. After that I disassociate myself or I can't get through it. However, if she lived overseas and only came once a year for a few weeks I might try and find a way to deal with it (I don't know how successful I would be though).

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you as I can barely tolerate houseguests for 3 days. but I think in your situation, you may have to figure out other solutions. I have a friend with a European husband who, when her inlaws visit, takes several long weekend trips by herself to visit friends in other cities. Perhaps some kind of girls' weekend or retreat or trip to another city might make it bearable?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a monstrous DIL. I hope my sons never marry such a spiteful, cold fish. Do you have sons? How awful.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I would find 3 weeks very hard too.
Can your husband go away with your MIL for part of the time she is here--maybe a mother/son (and grandchildren, if that works too) weekend to NYC, or Philadelphia, or other place in the US that she's never been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a monstrous DIL. I hope my sons never marry such a spiteful, cold fish. Do you have sons? How awful.

Thanks for the helpful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate houseguests, too, but I'd let his mother come and stay for the full 3 weeks. Especially if she lives overseas.

+1

+2

I would just suck it up - it's just a week more, for Christ's sake. I had my MIL here for full 4 months and went absolutely crazy. Nevertheless I sucked it up because my marriage is important to me.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you like your in-laws? that makes a difference. I can't stand my MIL therefore 3 weeks would be unbearable. But if it were my FIL, it would be fine.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to those of you who have actually offered advice. To those of you who judged or insulted me, you are reminders of what makes DCUM toxic at times. You do not know me or any of the other factors/stressors in our family's life, so please move on to another thread if you have nothing constructive to add here.

PP, I have mixed feelings about my MIL. She is generally pleasant, but also passive-aggressively sucks the air out of every room she enters. Part of why we had settled on more limited visits was because I do love her and think she deserves respect. I therefore want to preempt situations that I know will surely turn ugly. My mother died recently, so that is also compounding some of my feelings in this situation.

[Anonymous]

OP sorry about the loss of your mom. I'm sure that's playing into your feelings somewhat. I get it. I get along really well with my MIL and she is no trouble, but even so...she is going to be with us for 6-8 weeks for medical reasons and the idea of it just stresses me out. My own mother would be much worse, however.

I would say--its family, deal with it, be gracious, etc, but tell your DH that you would prefer to stick to the agreed upon 2 week plan in the future and that if MIL asks for a 3 week visit next time, he has to be the one to say that your lives are really busy, etc, and 2 weeks would be better, perhaps a third in a hotel. Will he be reasonable about this request?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to those of you who have actually offered advice. To those of you who judged or insulted me, you are reminders of what makes DCUM toxic at times. You do not know me or any of the other factors/stressors in our family's life, so please move on to another thread if you have nothing constructive to add here.

PP, I have mixed feelings about my MIL. She is generally pleasant, but also passive-aggressively sucks the air out of every room she enters. Part of why we had settled on more limited visits was because I do love her and think she deserves respect. I therefore want to preempt situations that I know will surely turn ugly. My mother died recently, so that is also compounding some of my feelings in this situation.

OP, I feel your pain - my own mother is an American living in Europe, and she pushes for visits longer than I can handle nearly every time she visits. I love her but we get along best at a distance - in person I can only take so many days of hearing how everything I do is wrong, every opinion I have is wrong, etc. For now the best I can manage is a weeklong visit, so I congratulate you on being gracious enough to do two with your MIL. My mom is a good grandma and I like having her visit to spend time with my kids, but by the end of day four or five I am usually ready to lose it, and I have learned through therapy and trial and error that it is okay for me to prioritize my own mental health. You can be a good person and a good daughter in law and say no/set limits.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother - perhaps this is a point you might emphasize when you talk with your husband about his mother visiting?

[Anonymous]

LUCKY YOU! MY MIL IS COMING ABROAD AND WILL STAY FOR 2 MONTHS. WE HAD SAME ISSUE IN THE PAST AND OBVIOUSLY, IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. MY WIFE THINKS THAT'S NORMAL. HER MOM IS MORE THAN WELCOME VISITING US BUT FOR GOD SAKE, 2 MONTHS IS RIDICULOUS! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I THINK I'M GOING TO HANG MYSELF....

[Anonymous]

OP please read my post and please consider the impact of what you are doing. My DH and I were in exactly the same situation for decades - he could also only handle two weeks with my mother, even though she was flying in from far away, and even though she was an extremely easy, considerate and generous guest. (And a very generous host when we visited her.) DH had no problem with her personally, just with the 'concept' of a houseguest. So every time she came I was forced to cap her visit to two weeks. Arranging every visit became such an awkward negotiation, and every visit was so tense because she felt unwelcome and I felt conflicted. Over time, my relationship with her frayed because I barely saw her (I only had a couple of weeks of vacation myself, so her coming to the US was the primary way we saw each other.) When we had kids, we told her she couldn't stay to help out with the births because DH wanted it to be "our" thing.

The result is that I slowly cut my mother out of my life because I prioritized my marriage. That was so painful and I shed a big part of my identity and cultural roots in the process. Eventually the distance between my mother and me grew so much that we weren't involved in each other's lives that much anymore; our relationship became formal and stilted much in the way that my husband's WASP family is.

My mother died last year and the biggest regret of my life is that I didn't stand my ground with my husband to keep her in our lives more. I think if I had pushed back more he would have gotten used to it eventually and God forbid, learned what a healthy family relationship looks like. Putting up with your inlaws for a few weeks a year is nothing compared with the distance that your DH and his family put up with every day.