How to handle MIL visiting for too long

[Anonymous]

When we are with my ILs, I feel great about things and have a great attitude through day 4, then on day 5 it's like someone waved a wand and I am sulky, resentful, sensitive, and desperately want to be away from them. It's like everything they do and say drives me nuts. I smile and don't show my feelings, but it is like clockwork how this happens every single visit with them. I cannot imagine doing 3 weeks, but OP, I think you have to.

I try to focus on their good qualities, on what good grandparents they are (although they feel entitled to stuff my kids with candy and coke), and I try to go for walks or naps every day if we are on vacation with them. My MIL is passive aggressive and obsessed with her appearance and her weight and it is so very tiring.

[Anonymous]

If MIL isn't a shrew, comes from overseas and does not see her grandchildren very often, I would bargain with DH: 3 weeks but he does at least 50% of the housework while she's there.

The reason for this is that your young children will probably need time to adjust to their grandmother and bond to her (10 days was not enough for my DC2 to take to her grandparents). That is precious, and worth the effort that your husband will make to personally host his mother! With your good self graciously in the background...

Let him make dinner, fetch and carry, plan outings, select the appropriate groceries, thoughtfully launder her clothes the way she likes it, etc... It is a privilege, isn't it?

Right. So go get yourself a stack of books and DVDs.
Claim brownie points in the future for having hosted MIL for THREE weeks.

Been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP! I can't imagine how my DH felt when my parents were here living with us for 10 months! We had twins and one had problems (fine now) -- we needed the help. My DH had to get back to work so my mother helped with night time feedings. My dad did work that needed to be done around the house. We had just moved in and I was on bedrest so my parents set up my house.

My husband's parents (divorced) live out west so when they come visit they are here for a minimum of 10 days, his mom is usually here for 3 weeks.

I don't mind as I just continue on about my day. Yes it gets tiresome, but both my mother and his mother love to cook they at least I don't have to worry about dinners, etc, all I have to do is make sure the fridge and pantry are stocked with ingredients.

I think it's all a matter of getting used to it and making the best of it. Do as a PP said go out with your girlfriends one night or do a spa day ...... I do that when my MIL is in town. I also have my mother and MIL watch the kids and my DH and I go to dinner which then we can go to a nicer restaurant since we are not paying a sitter. Look at the positive side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate houseguests, too, but I'd let his mother come and stay for the full 3 weeks. Especially if she lives overseas.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the replies.

The long visit is nothing new for me/us. She comes every year, but usually for only 2 weeks since I had managed to make that a compromise visit length in previous years. We also visit her every year, usually for around 10 days. And for those who implied that I was depriving her of her grandchildren, I forgot to mention that my husband and our daughter just returned THIS WEEK from visiting her for 9 days.

Part of what is bugging me is that this new, longer visit seems like backing out on a prior understanding that 2 weeks was the max I could handle while remaining good natured about it and without taking a toll on my marriage, our work lives, our kids' routines, etc. Personally, I would prefer 1 week twice per year but, given the international travel, had made my peace with 2 week visits instead. I also resent the pretense of being "asked" if the three weeks is OK, when really we are being told it will happen.

[Anonymous]

I think it's crazy to impose a time limit of 2 weeks for an overseas visitor, especially his mom! Very selfish of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the replies.

The long visit is nothing new for me/us. She comes every year, but usually for only 2 weeks since I had managed to make that a compromise visit length in previous years. We also visit her every year, usually for around 10 days. And for those who implied that I was depriving her of her grandchildren, I forgot to mention that my husband and our daughter just returned THIS WEEK from visiting her for 9 days.

Part of what is bugging me is that this new, longer visit seems like backing out on a prior understanding that 2 weeks was the max I could handle while remaining good natured about it and without taking a toll on my marriage, our work lives, our kids' routines, etc. Personally, I would prefer 1 week twice per year but, given the international travel, had made my peace with 2 week visits instead. I also resent the pretense of being "asked" if the three weeks is OK, when really we are being told it will happen.

Ah, well now if this is the issue, then it is the issue between you and DH. What is his argument for changing the arrangement?

[Anonymous]

I actually think the PPs who suggested that you get away for part of it are onto something. Can you take the opportunity to visit some friends or family for a few days in the middle of the visit to "recharge"? You can tell MIL it's a work thing or your best friend's kid's bar mitzvah or some other thing that you can't miss that can't be rescheduled. If you can't really say no, find a way to at least get something out of it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you work FT so that keeps you away all day. That's a huge help in managing a guest! Is she helpful when she visits? Can you think of ways you can maximize having another adult in the house? Start making a list of all the things you normally don;t get to do - everythinig from meeting friends for dinner to cleaning out the attic. Maybe you can invent a book club that you go to each week and take 3 hours every Thursday to get out of the house. Join a gym and go regularly.

[Anonymous]

My in laws regularly visit for 10 days and they don't even live very far away (a 2 hr plane ride!). Definitely work late a few times or volunteer for some weekend assignment. Have a few dates with girlfriends. Take the kids somewhere fun or better yet, leave them with DH and MIL and go somewhere relaxing by yourself. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, I so hear you when you say you need privacy and control over your environment. I am exactly the same way, and I get grouchy after even a few days of houseguests. I can't imagine three weeks, even of people I love.

Leaving the house, going for walks, to the gym, etc., wouldn't really solve the problem for me because that's not the same as privacy in my own house, with my own family.

It seems like the problem is that your DH just thinks you're being a jerk, and doesn't get that this just tries your emotional limits. You explained it clearly here - is there any way you can get through to him so he really understands? That you would love to have his mom here for three weeks, but that you emotionally just don't have the reserves or the personality to do it? That even though you love having her around, without enough private, quiet time with your nuclear family, it takes too much of a toll on you?

Good luck. It's hard being an introvert among extroverts.

[Anonymous]

ohhh, is that a European thing? I used to be a nanny for an infant and toddler in a very small apartment - kitchen, bathroom, and two rooms. Her sis and bil came to stay for a month, and parents took most of that time off work. It was just so physically crowded in there with 5 adults and 2 babies, and I felt like I was the only one uncomfortable. I couldn't understand how they could even have me there.

If I had those tight living quarters, my family would have been at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ohhh, is that a European thing? I used to be a nanny for an infant and toddler in a very small apartment - kitchen, bathroom, and two rooms. Her sis and bil came to stay for a month, and parents took most of that time off work. It was just so physically crowded in there with 5 adults and 2 babies, and I felt like I was the only one uncomfortable. I couldn't understand how they could even have me there.

If I had those tight living quarters, my family would have been at a hotel.

NP here - possibly, definitely applies to me. My parents and in-laws live overseas, and we only see them once a year, at most. The thought of them coming all this way for just a few days is ridiculous. Especially if they're retired and into grandkids, my friends' European parents come for weeks, even months at a time.

[Anonymous]

Tell DH she can stay for a month, if she stays in a hotel nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the replies.

The long visit is nothing new for me/us. She comes every year, but usually for only 2 weeks since I had managed to make that a compromise visit length in previous years. We also visit her every year, usually for around 10 days. And for those who implied that I was depriving her of her grandchildren, I forgot to mention that my husband and our daughter just returned THIS WEEK from visiting her for 9 days.

Part of what is bugging me is that this new, longer visit seems like backing out on a prior understanding that 2 weeks was the max I could handle while remaining good natured about it and without taking a toll on my marriage, our work lives, our kids' routines, etc. Personally, I would prefer 1 week twice per year but, given the international travel, had made my peace with 2 week visits instead. I also resent the pretense of being "asked" if the three weeks is OK, when really we are being told it will happen.

Ah, well now if this is the issue, then it is the issue between you and DH. What is his argument for changing the arrangement?

OP, I married an Asian person - long visits are customary. Every couple years, DH's parents come for six months. It makes me crazy, but that is part of the deal when you marry someone whose family is mostly abroad. I don't look forward to the next visit, but I know how much my DH misses home and his family. He basically gave up any opportunity to return home to stay with me, knowing I won't move abroad. Thing about what it must be like to pick up and make a new country your home without your family - 3 weeks a year (or six months every couple years) is really not much in return.

One thing to keep in mind - as his parents get older, the shorter trips are going to become harder. DH's parents are older, so traveling around the world for a month is just too much for them. The journey is physically exhausting for them in a way that it isn't for me. It takes time for them to acclimate to things here, get over jet lag, etc - younger people can bounce back, older people might have a harder time.