Reply to How to handle MIL visiting for too long

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[quote=Anonymous]OP please read my post and please consider the impact of what you are doing. My DH and I were in exactly the same situation for decades - he could also only handle two weeks with my mother, even though she was flying in from far away, and even though she was an extremely easy, considerate and generous guest. (And a very generous host when we visited her.) DH had no problem with her personally, just with the 'concept' of a houseguest. So every time she came I was forced to cap her visit to two weeks. Arranging every visit became such an awkward negotiation, and every visit was so tense because she felt unwelcome and I felt conflicted. Over time, my relationship with her frayed because I barely saw her (I only had a couple of weeks of vacation myself, so her coming to the US was the primary way we saw each other.) When we had kids, we told her she couldn't stay to help out with the births because DH wanted it to be "our" thing.

The result is that I slowly cut my mother out of my life because I prioritized my marriage. That was so painful and I shed a big part of my identity and cultural roots in the process. Eventually the distance between my mother and me grew so much that we weren't involved in each other's lives that much anymore; our relationship became formal and stilted much in the way that my husband's WASP family is.

My mother died last year and the biggest regret of my life is that I didn't stand my ground with my husband to keep her in our lives more. I think if I had pushed back more he would have gotten used to it eventually and God forbid, learned what a healthy family relationship looks like. Putting up with your inlaws for a few weeks a year is nothing compared with the distance that your DH and his family put up with every day.

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