How to handle MIL visiting for too long

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL can travel somewhere else in the middle of it

Husband can insist, on this, or some other boundary. If he doesn't, you have a marriage problem, not a MIL problem.

Hahaha, we tried this one too. Even my family members in SF or other cities agreed to “take them for a week, mid-month.” To break up their ling houseguesting plans here.

Guess what mamas boy wanted to do?!? go WITH his houseguesting parents on their other visits! He is riddled with guilt and was trained to “always take care of your parents.” Except that he can barely take care of himself, his kids or his wife.

The worst was they assumed they were being put up by my parents for several weeks during our wedding! Never mind we had people flying in from all over - including ourselves, my siblings, aunts- and we left for our honeymoon the next day. They were invited to my sibling’s wedding too at the fiancées hometown and replied back, “who will we stay with?”

You can’t stop stupid and you can’t stop self-centered. Always and only thinking of themselves.

[Anonymous]

P.s they have plenty of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 weeks doesn’t seem to long for an annual visit. Can your DH take his mom and the kids to go sightseeing for like 4 days somewhere in that time while you work, to break it up? Or you go away for something important for a couple of days? The mom might enjoy sometime with her son without you there, too. (No offense, I’m sure I will want some time with my son when he’s grown, too, even if he marries my favorite person in the world!)

Is he supposed to burn all of his annual leave on his mom's visit?

What’s the big deal? Why wouldn’t he want to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 weeks doesn’t seem to long for an annual visit. Can your DH take his mom and the kids to go sightseeing for like 4 days somewhere in that time while you work, to break it up? Or you go away for something important for a couple of days? The mom might enjoy sometime with her son without you there, too. (No offense, I’m sure I will want some time with my son when he’s grown, too, even if he marries my favorite person in the world!)

Is he supposed to burn all of his annual leave on his mom's visit?

What’s the big deal? Why wouldn’t he want to?

Really? You think it's not a big deal for someone with a wife and kids to use up all of their leave from work to hang out with their mom? Screw family vacations! Forget staying home on snow days! As long as MIL is happy...

Hey OP, your inlaws found DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married someone whose parents live In Europe, YOU KNEW THAT WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED! So he sees his mother a grand total of 24 days per year and he wants to make it 29 and you see bitching about it?!?

My MIL lives one hour away and DH sees her four times a year- for the day. I say the MIL of OP is doing REALLY well with how much she sees her son.

24 days a year is a lot!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 weeks doesn’t seem to long for an annual visit. Can your DH take his mom and the kids to go sightseeing for like 4 days somewhere in that time while you work, to break it up? Or you go away for something important for a couple of days? The mom might enjoy sometime with her son without you there, too. (No offense, I’m sure I will want some time with my son when he’s grown, too, even if he marries my favorite person in the world!)

Is he supposed to burn all of his annual leave on his mom's visit?

What’s the big deal? Why wouldn’t he want to?

Really? You think it's not a big deal for someone with a wife and kids to use up all of their leave from work to hang out with their mom? Screw family vacations! Forget staying home on snow days! As long as MIL is happy...

Hey OP, your inlaws found DCUM!

Well my DH gets five weeks vacation a year. So if he used 2 weeks with his mom. I think it would be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married someone whose parents live In Europe, YOU KNEW THAT WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED! So he sees his mother a grand total of 24 days per year and he wants to make it 29 and you see bitching about it?!?

Wow. That’s a lot of days !

My parents just come for a long weekend here or there and then maybe we go for 5-7 day hometown visit.

DH knew when he got married that he lived in the US and married an American. Why didn’t he stay in his hometown if seeing MIL only a few weeks a year would leave him suffering?

[Anonymous]

Op here - problem has been solved. MIL died 5 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - problem has been solved. MIL died 5 years ago.

Are you proud of yourself for limiting and restricting her time with her son and grandkids before she died? You probably are since you see death as solving a problem.

[Anonymous]

Gotcha!

[Anonymous]

I think you guys need some counseling to work out compromises. This isn't just a single scenario. It sounds like you are an introvert and he is not, and thus you have diametrically opposed views on how you should socialize and host. This will continue to be a point of contention.

We have friends whose inlaws come and stay for 3 or 4 months at a time! Now that is long. 3 weeks is not that long, or at least it's not that much longer than 2 weeks. I am also an introvert and would find it draining, but I would suck it up once or twice a year to make my family happy.

[Anonymous]

Gotcha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been through this, exactly. I worked longer hours and had some "appointments" with friends (since you will have childcare and a great excuse to go out). And yes, I suffered and I complained. In the long run you will be proud of yourself for having found a way to cope and to share the grandchildren. In the short run you'll go nuts... sorry.

I feel like this is the best answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we are with my ILs, I feel great about things and have a great attitude through day 4, then on day 5 it's like someone waved a wand and I am sulky, resentful, sensitive, and desperately want to be away from them. It's like everything they do and say drives me nuts. I smile and don't show my feelings, but it is like clockwork how this happens every single visit with them. I cannot imagine doing 3 weeks, but OP, I think you have to.

I try to focus on their good qualities, on what good grandparents they are (although they feel entitled to stuff my kids with candy and coke), and I try to go for walks or naps every day if we are on vacation with them. My MIL is passive aggressive and obsessed with her appearance and her weight and it is so very tiring.

Wow. I actually think I wrote this, lo, these 7 years ago.

I still hate it after 4-5 days lol. And now my kids are teens somehow!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 weeks doesn’t seem to long for an annual visit. Can your DH take his mom and the kids to go sightseeing for like 4 days somewhere in that time while you work, to break it up? Or you go away for something important for a couple of days? The mom might enjoy sometime with her son without you there, too. (No offense, I’m sure I will want some time with my son when he’s grown, too, even if he marries my favorite person in the world!)

Is he supposed to burn all of his annual leave on his mom's visit?

The U.S. is so dysfunctional with its pathetic lack of paid leave.