How to handle MIL visiting for too long
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Anonymous
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I am American, my husband is European. Since early in our relationship, it has been clear that we have very different (cultural) attitudes towards houseguests. I need a lot of privacy and control over my environment, otherwise I get grouchy, tired, and resentful. His approach is an open door policy. We have fought for many years about his relatives coming to visit for what feels like too long to me. Example: when we were first married and living in a one-room English basement apartment, his parents came to stay for around ten days *in the same room with us*. Drove me nuts, but he was delighted they were there.
His mother just "asked" if she can come stay with us for 3 weeks this fall. We now live in a house, so there is plenty of room, but I still know myself and know that that length visit is way too long for me (and disruptive to the routines of our two young children). I have clearly stated in the past that 2 weeks is my outside limit for remaining a cheerful host, not only for my MIL but for anyone. My husband wants me to tell his mother it is too long (which I refuse to do, because she is his mother and I don't think it is fair to make me the bitch--yet again). How to handle this? The real problem is that the visit is not too long for him, so I have to be the bad guy denying him time with his mother, her time with her grandchildren, etc. To muddy the waters further, he had earlier today suggested having dinner guests tomorrow and I had nixed the idea saying I just wanted a quiet evening at home with just us and the kids, our first since returning from summer vacation, kids starting school, etc. He flung this back at me in the discussion about his mother, saying I'm always saying no to hosting everyone he likes. We frequently entertain (which I welcome), so that felt unfair to me. OK, done with vent and would really like some advice and perspective on the MIL proposed extended stay. |
Anonymous
| I hate houseguests, too, but I'd let his mother come and stay for the full 3 weeks. Especially if she lives overseas. |
Anonymous
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OP I think you are right that any communications to her about this need to come from HIM. His mother, his job. He also needs to be conditioned to do a lot of the caretaking/entertaining while she is here.
Now on the length time- I think 3 weeks is too long as well, but you married someone whose family lives very far away - so I think you need to be flexible on this. Can you arrange for the MIL to travel somewhere while she is here? At least for a long weekend? Or can you go away for a girls weekend or something to help break it up for your sanity? How can you make this work so you don't go insane.... |
Anonymous
| Are there any relatives she can go visiting in the US besides you? I mean, either this can be your problem or you can be here bitching about how she's wealthy enough to come to the US but doesn't and you're pissed your MIL doesn't care to forge a relationship with her grandchildren. |
Anonymous
| Been through this, exactly. I worked longer hours and had some "appointments" with friends (since you will have childcare and a great excuse to go out). And yes, I suffered and I complained. In the long run you will be proud of yourself for having found a way to cope and to share the grandchildren. In the short run you'll go nuts... sorry. |
Anonymous
| Do you feel like you have to act like hostess during the visit. If so, I would lower the expectations you have for yourself. Like others have suggested, give MIL time alone with her son and grandkids while you do stuff with friends or just go read somewhere. |
Anonymous
| OP, tell your husband that three weeks will be fine. You will help graciously host for the first two weeks. The third week you will be checked into a luxury spa resort for a week of pampering, while DH hosts his mother alone. |
Anonymous
| 3 weeks is nothing. Imagine having overseas in-laws expect to come live with you, once they can immigrate to the US. It is not in my culture (is in my husband's), but it's not something I am accustomed to or hoped for, at least not while we are still in our 30s, trying for a family, etc. |
Anonymous
Dumb question, but how do they manage to get greencards? I have always wondered how this works with parents of people who have emigrated. |
Anonymous
Through sponsorship by family. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
OMG, such a drama queen. 
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Anonymous
OMG, such a humorless shrew.
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Anonymous
| I agree with OP . I am in the same position but it is my parents. 10 days is all I could handle. I am on chemo as well. |
Anonymous
When it is your own parents, and they live in the US, and you're going to be the one doing all the work, AND you are ill... YOU GET TO KICK THEM OUT WHENEVER YOU WANT! |