How to handle MIL visiting for too long

[Anonymous]

My family members are coming for a long stay....think 6 months from another country. ! I will be also taking them for touristy trips around the country as well as keep things humming along for the kids and DH at home and school. Thankfully I am at home.
Anyways, you eventually adjust to having a full house.

[Anonymous]

I assume renting her a condo or something nearby is out? That’s what I would do.

Otherwise I’d schedule st least a long weekend away with friends (just you) if possible “since MIL is there to help” so you’ll have that to look forward to

Will she babysit? if so you and DH could get away for a few nights maybe. that could also help.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. Most people who have parents/ in law IN THE SAME COUNTRY do not spend 29 days a year visiting each other. Not even close.

I agree with the poster from France that this is NOT a European or cultural thing. OP's MIL is bored and has time on her hands. OP's MIL is also rude and does not respect boundaries by announcing that she is staying longer. So rude.

Part of having children is letting them go when they become adults. For many women, retirement and empty nesting can be boring. All of sudden they have all this time on their hands and nothing to do. There is no one to care for or control. Rather than find fulfillment on their own they decide to inject themselves back into their adult children's lives on their terms without any regard for healthy boundaries.

Do not let her use living in Europe as a smoke screen to impose herself on your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 weeks doesn’t seem to long for an annual visit. Can your DH take his mom and the kids to go sightseeing for like 4 days somewhere in that time while you work, to break it up? Or you go away for something important for a couple of days? The mom might enjoy sometime with her son without you there, too. (No offense, I’m sure I will want some time with my son when he’s grown, too, even if he marries my favorite person in the world!)

Is he supposed to burn all of his annual leave on his mom's visit?

If he is insisting on a longer visit, then it is reasonable to expect him to dedicate some time to support that plan.

[Anonymous]

Let her come for three weeks and you go away for a moms trip part of that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a French person who has lived in many different European countries, I can attest that most Europeans, regardless of national origin, are not like your husband. The problem is your husband, it's not Europe. This should be obvious to you.

YOU need to pick up the phone to tell his mother she can come for 2 weeks max. If she "accidentally" finds cheaper flights that make for a longer visit, there might not be a visit next time.

Here's the thing about putting your foot down. It's liberating, and it pays off long-term. But you need to do your own dirty work! Don't wait for your husband. He wants her to stay longer, and he's already making a compromise by agreeing with you. Do your part already.

THIS! 3 weeks is a very long time to host when you have 2 kids and a job. And the expanding time limit to 3 weeks is very disrespectful. You need to learn to say no and not be guilted into things. My MIL who lived her pushed an pushed and pushed I should have stood up to it long ago.

[Anonymous]

MIL can travel somewhere else in the middle of it

Husband can insist, on this, or some other boundary. If he doesn't, you have a marriage problem, not a MIL problem.

[Anonymous]

I fail to see why traveling from Europe equals MIL getting to stay for 3 weeks. It is not that long of a flight.

Plus, its easier for people for adjust to time zone changes moving west. The difficult adjustment is going back home eastward but she will be home and able to nap as much as she wants.

There is zero reason why MIL should get to announce that she coming for 3 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL can travel somewhere else in the middle of it

Husband can insist, on this, or some other boundary. If he doesn't, you have a marriage problem, not a MIL problem.

Yes, I'd have DH take her away for a long weekend, Niagra falls or the beach or NY for a play or whatever.

[Anonymous]

OP your husband need to learn to respect you! I'm an extrovert and DH is an introvert. I'm happy to have anyone come over for dinner. I'm fine hosting huge sleep overs or playdates for the kids. Having an impromptu pool party for 30 people and hosting large extended relative dinners. It sucks the life out of DH. We have an arrangement where it is fine for him to excuse himself when the crowd becomes too much for him. I don't ask him to do anything for any of these activities.

For the dinner party if your husband is willing to 100% clean the house , prepare the food, and manage the kids so all you have to do is sit through dinner AND you can excuse yourself early then IMO its reasonable for him to have the dinner party. However, if you expects you to engage the way he does or do all or even some of the work for something that you don't even want to hold then that it is not fair.

We have the same dynamic with MIL his mother. I actually do not mind when she stays, she is the least crazy of his relatives BUT she drives him crazy. We both agree on limiting visits because it is annoying to me to hear than both bickering about stupid stuff the entire time.

Your husband sound immature if he wants you to be the one to tell MIL no. He needs to man up and face his Mommy. I personally would not care whether she thought I was the bad guy or not. She was rude to invite herself for longer and I firmly believe that you should never care what a rude person thinks about you. Pushy people feed off others wanting to please or be liked to get their way. Don't let them manipulate you this way.

[Anonymous]

I would work late and leave MIL with the kids. Come home late (DH can deal with dinner and clean up) and go to bed. Weekends I would have to work or appointments when reallyvid go get my nails done, get take out and watch Netflix parked in my car. I’d be gone 8hrs a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married someone whose parents live In Europe, YOU KNEW THAT WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED! So he sees his mother a grand total of 24 days per year and he wants to make it 29 and you see bitching about it?!?

Wow. That’s a lot of days !

My parents just come for a long weekend here or there and then maybe we go for 5-7 day hometown visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about your future. Your daughter marries someone and moves across the ocean. She has young kids and doesn't travel back so the only way to see her is to go to her. It tuna out her husband really doesn't want you in heir house. How do you feel? He begrudgingly agrees to a short stay and tells her to tell you that it is her idea and coming from her and not to put it on him.

Are you okay with that? Rarely or never really seeing your child or grand kids because the son in law prefers not to have guests. Do you go knowing you really aren't welcome?

I feel for her DH and MIL. What an awful situation for you to put them in. Do you have parents? It sounds like either you don't or you have a bad relationship since you can't understand why DH would want to spend time with his mother or have his mother with his kids or why his mother would want to come. Your own perspective is about you and how to you this is a burden and that only your needs and wants and feelings matter. You are really selfish and self centered.

There are people who like to sit and veg out in other people’s homes and there are people who do not, or certainly not for longer than a few days.

There are couples in the throes of raising young children who are Ok hosting EXTENDED houseguests (is this actually true?), and there are those that loathe the thought of someone in their home and routine for days and days.

Figure it who is which, in your life. Then meet in the middle. Beach trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This decision is dependent on your MIL and DH. What does your MIL do all day when you are at work and kids are in daycare or school? Is she self sufficient? As for your DH, what does he do to make this 2-3 week guest feel comfortable? Does he pickup, help with laundry, grocery shop and interact with his mother without you pestering him?

I totally understand your hesitation with having guests over sometime. My DH is ALL IN except that he doesn't clean much and will happily grill what you have shopped and marinated. My DH is having some people in next week for MY birthday. Nice thought, but the reality is he will say the powder room is clean enough. I will be screaming " Lift and seat and take a look."

My DH just throws our money, food and Uber’s at them. Spare no expense, let me go to the office mentality. fil (aspergers) can be pestering the 5 yo daily to no end, DH won’t notice or care.

In the ends it rounds us $400/food a week more and all the admissions, dinners out, their taxi fares, gas money doing weekend sightseeing/ day trips or weekend trips and then more if we take days off of work to “make it fun and entertaining for them.”

They def get a $1000-2000 vacation out of it.

[Anonymous]

Are you okay with that? Rarely or never really seeing your child or grand kids because the son in law prefers not to have guests. Do you go knowing you really aren't welcome?

Ugh. Part of having children is letting them go when they become adults. You then have a relationship with them that is not based on lots of time together. You respect them to raise their own family. You find your own interests in life.

This is a natural cycle. It isn't sad unless you can't move on.