How to handle MIL visiting for too long

[Anonymous]

Did a bot bump this thread?

[Anonymous]

As a French person who has lived in many different European countries, I can attest that most Europeans, regardless of national origin, are not like your husband. The problem is your husband, it's not Europe. This should be obvious to you.

YOU need to pick up the phone to tell his mother she can come for 2 weeks max. If she "accidentally" finds cheaper flights that make for a longer visit, there might not be a visit next time.

Here's the thing about putting your foot down. It's liberating, and it pays off long-term. But you need to do your own dirty work! Don't wait for your husband. He wants her to stay longer, and he's already making a compromise by agreeing with you. Do your part already.

[Anonymous]

Can your husband take your MIL on an overnight sight seeing trip during the weekends? That would give you a break from having a constant house guest and it would probably be fun for your MIL to see the museums or the beach or the mountains or wherever else he might take her. You could go with them or stay at home minding the fort while they're gone.

[Anonymous]

My FIL stays for 6 weeks at a time. How often does your MIL come? If it's 3 weeks every six months, maybe that feels like a lot. On the other hand, it's your husband's mother. Think whether you will feel sad if your child marries someone who puts a limit on how much you can see your child. Believe me, I know 3 weeks is a long time. Truly. But try to figure something out that makes it tolerable for you. Look at the bright side: she doesn't live with you, doesn't live in the same town and make your life difficult, and wants to see you all and her grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a French person who has lived in many different European countries, I can attest that most Europeans, regardless of national origin, are not like your husband. The problem is your husband, it's not Europe. This should be obvious to you.

YOU need to pick up the phone to tell his mother she can come for 2 weeks max. If she "accidentally" finds cheaper flights that make for a longer visit, there might not be a visit next time.

Here's the thing about putting your foot down. It's liberating, and it pays off long-term. But you need to do your own dirty work! Don't wait for your husband. He wants her to stay longer, and he's already making a compromise by agreeing with you. Do your part already.

You are awful. People like you die alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As a French person who has lived in many different European countries, I can attest that most Europeans, regardless of national origin, are not like your husband. The problem is your husband, it's not Europe. This should be obvious to you.

YOU need to pick up the phone to tell his mother she can come for 2 weeks max. If she "accidentally" finds cheaper flights that make for a longer visit, there might not be a visit next time.

Here's the thing about putting your foot down. It's liberating, and it pays off long-term. But you need to do your own dirty work! Don't wait for your husband. He wants her to stay longer, and he's already making a compromise by agreeing with you. Do your part already.

You are awful. People like you die alone.

PP you replied to. No, I am a kind person with friends, but my own mother is crazy, and for the sake of our relationship, I cannot have her visit me (or vice-versa) more than 2 weeks max. I have learned to put my foot down, and ever since I did, we get on so much better. I don't want OP to stew in her own resentment. It's healthier for everyone that she set firm boundaries, since her husband cannot.

[Anonymous]

3 weeks doesn’t seem to long for an annual visit. Can your DH take his mom and the kids to go sightseeing for like 4 days somewhere in that time while you work, to break it up? Or you go away for something important for a couple of days? The mom might enjoy sometime with her son without you there, too. (No offense, I’m sure I will want some time with my son when he’s grown, too, even if he marries my favorite person in the world!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 weeks doesn’t seem to long for an annual visit. Can your DH take his mom and the kids to go sightseeing for like 4 days somewhere in that time while you work, to break it up? Or you go away for something important for a couple of days? The mom might enjoy sometime with her son without you there, too. (No offense, I’m sure I will want some time with my son when he’s grown, too, even if he marries my favorite person in the world!)

Is he supposed to burn all of his annual leave on his mom's visit?

[Anonymous]

OP I think that you need to stand your ground. Two weeks when you also travel to visit her for another 10 days every year is plenty of time. She should not be able to unilaterally decide to invite herself for 3 weeks now. What happens next year when she decides to invite herself for 4 weeks?

This is not analogous with someone who is traveling from Asia and only does it every few years AND where the family in the US only travels there every few years. This is Europe and MIL is already getting visits at least twice a year.

Heck, a flight to CA is longer than a flight to London. A direct flight to Paris or Germany is faster than most connecting flights to CA. If you posted that MIL was in CA and announced she was going to stay with you for three weeks I guarantee you that posters (other than the pushy grandmas) would be saying to lock the doors and not give in to this rudeness. The people pushing back from their experience with asian in laws are comparing completely different situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did a bot bump this thread?

Yes, some sob story about a woman who didn’t know how to phone call or Skype her mother and balances her spouse for not letting her late mother houseguest at their house for months and months each year.!

Lots of “my way or the highway” people here when it comes to extended guests. Europeans think it’s dandy, American do not. Solution: 2 weeks a pop tops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a French person who has lived in many different European countries, I can attest that most Europeans, regardless of national origin, are not like your husband. The problem is your husband, it's not Europe. This should be obvious to you.

YOU need to pick up the phone to tell his mother she can come for 2 weeks max. If she "accidentally" finds cheaper flights that make for a longer visit, there might not be a visit next time.

Here's the thing about putting your foot down. It's liberating, and it pays off long-term. But you need to do your own dirty work! Don't wait for your husband. He wants her to stay longer, and he's already making a compromise by agreeing with you. Do your part already.

Haha. My self-centered European in laws pull that all the time when they want to come plop in our house and do nothing. We tell them 10 days and , Ooops, really wanted to save $50 and fly on Wednesdays 3 weeks apart.

[Anonymous]

You married someone whose parents live In Europe, YOU KNEW THAT WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED! So he sees his mother a grand total of 24 days per year and he wants to make it 29 and you see bitching about it?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If MIL isn't a shrew, comes from overseas and does not see her grandchildren very often,[/b] I would bargain with DH: 3 weeks but he does at least 50% of the housework while she's there.[b]

The reason for this is that your young children will probably need time to adjust to their grandmother and bond to her (10 days was not enough for my DC2 to take to her grandparents). That is precious, and worth the effort that your husband will make to personally host his mother! With your good self graciously in the background...

Let him make dinner, fetch and carry, plan outings, select the appropriate groceries, thoughtfully launder her clothes the way she likes it, etc... It is a privilege, isn't it?

Right. So go get yourself a stack of books and DVDs.
Claim brownie points in the future for having hosted MIL for THREE weeks.

Been there, done that.

Hiw is this a bargain? He does half the housework? Shouldn’t he be doing 50% of the housework because it’s his house?

SMH you’ve already lost and you don’t even know it.

[Anonymous]

Think about your future. Your daughter marries someone and moves across the ocean. She has young kids and doesn't travel back so the only way to see her is to go to her. It tuna out her husband really doesn't want you in heir house. How do you feel? He begrudgingly agrees to a short stay and tells her to tell you that it is her idea and coming from her and not to put it on him.

Are you okay with that? Rarely or never really seeing your child or grand kids because the son in law prefers not to have guests. Do you go knowing you really aren't welcome?

I feel for her DH and MIL. What an awful situation for you to put them in. Do you have parents? It sounds like either you don't or you have a bad relationship since you can't understand why DH would want to spend time with his mother or have his mother with his kids or why his mother would want to come. Your own perspective is about you and how to you this is a burden and that only your needs and wants and feelings matter. You are really selfish and self centered.

[Anonymous]

This decision is dependent on your MIL and DH. What does your MIL do all day when you are at work and kids are in daycare or school? Is she self sufficient? As for your DH, what does he do to make this 2-3 week guest feel comfortable? Does he pickup, help with laundry, grocery shop and interact with his mother without you pestering him?

I totally understand your hesitation with having guests over sometime. My DH is ALL IN except that he doesn't clean much and will happily grill what you have shopped and marinated. My DH is having some people in next week for MY birthday. Nice thought, but the reality is he will say the powder room is clean enough. I will be screaming " Lift and seat and take a look."