Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
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Anonymous
Maybe so, OP, but the only way you're going to change things is to find a way to change them. It's good to reach out for support and I hope you keep doing that, but nobody can do this for you. You may not be ready today, but maybe next week or next month you will be. Hang in there. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks again everyone, and especially to those who have a better understanding of what it's like to be in the shoes of someone like myself. It's very easy when you're not in someone else's shoes to say "oh they're making excuses," if they really wanted to do a,b,c, they could do it.
Really? Okay, let's talk about people starving in India. How many choices do they have? Let's talk about someone who has terminal cancer or another horrible illness. Sure they all have "choices" to deal with their circumstances in different ways, but bottom line someone with terminal cancer is terminal, that is a reality that can't be changed. People starving in India are starving, that is another reality that they themselves can not change no matter how badly they want to. I didn't come here to argue whether or not I'm making excuses. I came here because I was feeling really alone and trapped with nowhere to turn and needed a place to vent where I felt people who understood could just listen and be there if nothing else. Anyway, I have been in therapy almost my entire life to deal with the adversities I have been through ever since I was a teenager. I've always been a fighter and a strong person, but as I've said before, there comes a point where a person becomes so worn down from dealing with things for so long that it becomes extremely difficult. I would definitely say I'm depressed, although not "clinically," because I am functioning fine, eating and sleeping, and find enjoyment in day to day things despite my circumstances. As explained before, due to my son's issues and the fact that his symptoms are so unpredictable and we never know from one day to the next what will be, enrolling in school/classes, even online or making any type of time commitment is extremely difficult. For example: In the past month, he had two episodes 3 weeks apart that lasted over a week each where he was virtually non-functional, could barely keep his head up or eyes open for more than 30 seconds, was falling into walls, etc. There was no way he could be left alone during this time, and I was basically on the phone, online, and running him to doctor's and Children's hospital. To answer one of the PPs questions about my husband....the affair and strip club addiction were both discovered about 4 years ago. The affair through an anonymous letter I received in the mail and after that the strip clubs were discovered through credit card receipts. Unfortunately, he is incapable of being able to comprehend the damage he has done and therefore continued to basically throw me under the bus since "d-day" in many other ways aside from the infidelity. The infidelity and the strip clubs both came to a screeching halt upon discovery, and to my knowledge there has been no activity in either since then. Sadly, my wanting the divorce actually has less to do with the infidelity than it does with the fact that I came to realize he is just not capable of true empathy, love or compassion and those are things I need in a relationship or marriage. Aside from that, I also deal with the aftermath of the multitude of mindless things he has done over the years. Leaving my son when he was 8 in a sports bar full of drunks to go out in the mall to get him a calendar; leaving kids next door at the pool by themselves at dusk because he wanted to go home; putting a ladder on a soaking wet deck to clean the gutters and then nearly killing himself and knocking his two front teeth out; peeing in an empty Snapple bottle while driving with my son in the car because he didn't want to bother to pull over, then forgetting he had done that and drinking from the bottle less than an hour later!! No, he is not on any drugs or alcohol and never has been. And this is only a small fraction of hundreds of things along these lines I have dealt with. He has been sleeping on the sofa downstairs now for almost a year and we for the most part lead pretty separate lives, although it's difficult in a small house. Another PP said something about my being able to afford the $2,500 mortgage with my job. No, that is sadly not the case. I barely make $1,000 a month at the retail job. I have scoured the job market, sent out dozens of resumes, but so far nothing else has panned out. There's no way I can take a full time job because of my son's conditions, so I'm only able to do part-time and it has to be flexible. |
Anonymous
| OP, I remember your post a while back looking for help for your son. Have you found any answers? I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Wish I could help. Sending you a virtual hug. |
Anonymous
6:32, Thanks so much for your kind words and the hug Unfortunately, we are still searching for answers and trying to get to the root cause(s) of my son's conditions. He did test positive for Lyme and he does have Tourette's, however he also has had the herpes virus in his system since age 3, which manifested as blisters on the bottom of one foot. I know, really, really odd!
I never knew you could get herpes on the bottom of your feet and I took him to 3 dermatologists who all insisted it was eczema. I just knew somehow it was herpes and insisted they take a culture and sure enough, it was. Anyway, all 3 of these things (Lyme, herpes, and Tourette's) can affect the body and mind in a myriad of ways. What is driving us (and the doctors) all crazy is there's simply no way to know what is causing what, which makes treatment extremely difficult. Our next stop is going to a psychiatrist in New Jersey who specializes in neuropsychiatric Lyme. I think the post you're referring to was when he was having these "narcolepsy" episodes, falling into walls, etc. There is still an outside chance (which we hope is NOT the case) that he may have started the onset of narcolepsy. Typical onset is 15, which is exactly his age and there are other factors that point to it, however there are many factors that do not. With his Tourette's, his tics are constantly changing from one thing to another and the most recent one, for the past few weeks, is a high-pitched screeching tic. It is so high-pitched and loud that it's starting to cause ringing in his ears! Thankfully, he's able to suppress his tics at school and in public (by his choice) but suppressing them takes a tremendous amount of energy and concentration so it totally zaps him, and they eventually have to come out so he tics like crazy once he gets home. To meet him and spend any time with him, you would never have a clue that he has any of these conditions because he is an expert at masking everything. Sorry for the VERY long answer to your short question, guess I just needed to get some of this out. |
Anonymous
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OP you don't have any family to ask for help? I can't imagine having a relative going through all this and not offering them to come live with us while things get figured out...
We've done it three times for my and DH's family... |
Anonymous
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OP is this you?
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/184834.page and this http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/184359.page and this http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/183749.page I think there are more. It is time to act. Foster the therapy dogs and find somewhere for your son and you to go. |
Anonymous
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OP - also sending you virtual hugs. I agree - you have a lot going on and I don't blame you for feeling completely overwhelmed. It is hard to make changes when all of your time and energy is being sucked up with a useless husband, SN child and long commute. And I can see that not having a support system can just put you over the edge and feel like the walls are closing in. I don't see you as making excuses - you are venting - and that is good - even anonymously, DCUM can be a support system. Even the mean posts can add value if you ignore the tone.
Any decision you make will be tough and scary. I don't want to tell you what to do, but if I was in your shoes (and this is only based on info you provided) I would: - focus on my son first. If you haven't already posted on the SN board, I would, to at least get some advice. Hopefully you or your husband have decent insurance to cover your son's appt. Try and sort his health issues out - he is first priority. -focus on you. It sounds like something happened at your job and your support network there. Since it is hard to find a job these days, I would try and step back from whatever is brewing at your work and re-focus on the job itself. You can't afford to be part of any drama. Yes - it sucks to lose important friendships, but it is important to keep this job until you find a new one. I know you are trying to find a new one - keep looking and don't get discouraged - you need to find something closer to home. And you say you don't have a lot of time, but can you carve out a couple hours on a Sunday morning to go to church? Even if you are not religious - just having a place to go where you can sit and just veg for an hour will provide comfort. Take your son, too. -finally - your marriage. As uncomfortable as it is - until you sort through the above, I would just deal with this later. Don't bite off more than you can chew. When the time is right, you can address the situation with him. If you ever have an opportunity to catch him in a good mood - I would just address him - very calmly. "I am struggling in our marriage. I need your support. I don't think either of us wants to live like this" and just take the conversation from there. Chances are, he'll get defensive, but at least you get the conversation going. Depending on the outcome, I would then think about moving to my own place. You might not be able to afford the best location, but it will be a huge weight of your shoulder. Again - deal wuith this after you address everything else. I would also explore getting government support if you were to move out or get a separation. I don't know much about it, but it is worth looking into. Good luck with everything - you have a lot going on and I wish you the best in making it through!!! |
Anonymous
| OP, I don't know if you saw my earlier post, but i would talk to your doc about strep or PANDAS. |
Anonymous
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Since you said you are at the end of your rope and you have reached your limits in what you can deal with then you need to consider what you are willing to drop so you no longer have to deal with it.
From your posts - I say just drop the whole thing with your husand and let the relationship go for now. He appears to be in no hurry to leave and has in fact stopped the affair and strip clubs and you don't appear to want to get him out. Further, he clearly is not going to be the loving husband you envision he should be so right now today just accept him as they guy who sleeps on the couch, pays the bills and help out with your son. See - now you are have settled this issue you have all that energy you wasted on that issue and can focus it on another area like your son. Part Time job - you have very likely worn out the people at work with your complaints and personal problems. Decide today that you will go to work and no logner discuss your personal issues at all even when asked and will say something like "oh we are doing better.thanks. wow, look at these cute items that just came in...where should we stock them?" OR switch to another retail job and start fresh and do not talk about your personal problems at work. Treat your job as a job and not as a support group or therapy. Look at that - now you have knocked off two issues - and you can now dedicate this energy into your son. So see, there is always a way ... it just depends on what you are willing to do and if you are only willing to vent then that's ok but don't expect that any changes will come of that |
Anonymous
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I was a SAHM married to an abusive husband.
I left, and took my two young children with me. Yeah, I scrimp and save and can't buy stuff a lot of the time, but you know what...I'm happier than I've been in 12 years. I get spouse support and child support. It barely covers stuff and I've had to go back to work and put my kids in daycare. I had to find some place reasonable with rent. Will I be in this position forever? No. It's temporary...and I'd do it over and over and over. Take little steps to make yourself happy. Go get a manicure. Go to Panera's and have some alone time. Join MEETUP and find other parents with SN children just like yours. Find other groups of people that are supportive. There are 6 billion people in the world...your 'friends' at work are not really your friends. Find someone you can co-miserate with or is in a similar situation might be more empathetic than those not in the situation. I have a group of moms that I met when my oldest was a baby. I would say that we are 'friends', but I wouldn't count on any of them to be a comfort/shoulder in my situation. In fact, most were shocked when I told them I was divorcing my abusive husband. Hang in there. Find an outlet. Find a therapist. Find new friends. You can do it. |
Anonymous
Wow! I haven't read every single thread in its entirety, but my heart goes out to you, OP!! Your husband is real jerk. How did you manage to stay married to him for 23 years? Was he always like this? Not trying to bring you down even further... but where were you 15-10-5 years ago? |
Anonymous
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OP,
I'd find a new therapist. At least get a fresh start there. I am in a similar situation re: marriage and SN kids but you need to get unstuck. Once you get some positive energy and momentum going more positive people will come into you life. Hang in there and keep going. |
Anonymous
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OP here. 8:31, you asked if I have any family to ask for help. My mom, who I'm extremely close with, lives in California as does my sister. My brother lives here, however he is totally in his own world and does not live in a home where my son and I could stay, especially because it's way too far from my work and even further from my son's school.
My mom has helped out a lot financially with my son's medical and educational needs, no way we could afford it otherwise. But I really wouldn't feel comfortable asking her for more to help out with a divorce, legal fees, etc. 13:10, my husband has always had issues, there is no question, but they really didn't come into full bloom until we moved here from California about 11 years ago. Not that things were wonderful before then, but they/he was not anywhere near the jerk he became here and continues to be. To make matters worse, we moved here because after years of him hounding me to move east because he wanted to be near his family in NJ, I finally agreed because I felt it was only fair since we'd lived in California close to my family for the first 11 years of our marriage. I figured we'd give it a year and if it didn't work we'd move back. Well, things just went downhill quick and by the time I wanted to move back the real estate in CA had gone through the roof and there was no way. So I left my mom and sister, my lifelong friends and moved east for him and the way I got "repaid" is by him having a 5 year affair with a woman from high school (also married btw with kids). Then his lovely family treated me like I was the one who had the affair after they learned about it. This was after I had bent over backwards for them for so many years. Believe me, if I would have had ANY inkling any of this would have happened when we moved here, there is no way in hell I would have ever budged! 13:12. I agree that a new therapist would probably be a good idea. I have interviewed a few and just can't seem to find one that I feel would be a good fit. 12:33, I agree with your suggestion about my husband and that is what I am trying to do, just leave it as is. The problem is that he continually does things on impulse that result in disasterous or near-disasterous consequences and has NO clue how to deal with my son's issues, which is a huge problem. However, despite it all, I agree with you that my son needs to be the focus right now. As for the job, I actually do *not* bring my trouble to work and go there to get away from them. I'm never the gloom and doom type and always walk in with a big smile on my face. Yes, they are aware of my son's issues because it's a small business and we have had many get togethers over the years where my son has gone and they all are extremely fond of him, he is a super sweet kid. I"ve had to take time off when my son's symptoms have ramped up, so there's no way I can hide what I deal with on that front. The problem is not my woes because I leave them at home, it is basically a situation of false accusations against me and a lot of backstabbing that I was obviously unaware of. it's a very small setting, so it's not like a huge store where I can find refuge by going to another department or whatever. I will find another job, it just may take a little bit. 12:54, I'm so sorry for what you had to go through! I think you make a good point, to take things in "little steps." That is probably my biggest stumbling block because it's hard for me to piecemeal, I just see this huge pot full of crap and it's overwhelming to even know where or how to begin. 11:07, thanks so much for your suggestions and for the hugs As far as going to church, that's something that is very difficult for me because I hardly ever go, don't know anyone there and am very shy in groups where I don't know people. I'm totally fine with one-on-one or very small groups when we are there for the same purpose. For example, the support group I go to is myself and 5 other women. From day one I had no problem feeling comfortable and being open and honest with everyone. And I like being able to try and help other who are suffering because I know what it's like to be in their shoes.
Very tired now, off to sleep, tomorrow is another day and it will be a better one
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Anonymous
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This is a huge step - but can you move back to California? Take your son and leave - it seems like you have a biger suport network out west. Run it by your mother and sister - you may be surprised with how much they want to help! See if you can find some apartments in that area - maybe you qualify for low income housing assistance?
Maybe your friends can help you find a job out there? As for church - don't go necessarily to socialize - go so you have about an hour of time where you and your son can just sit and either listen to the service, or just clear your mind. Try it for a few weeks - like a therapist - you might need to sampel a few before youfind one where you feel it is a good fit. |
Anonymous
| Wow OP, so good to hear you have family somewhere. The obvious answer is to tell hubby you're out tomorrow and go to CA. Live with your mom for a short period while you throw your all into finding a job, support services for your son, and therapy for you. So why haven't you done that? |