Desperately need suggestions regarding emotional abuse

[Anonymous]

Will try to make the "story" brief.....First a quick backgrounder: Husband had 5 year affair and strip club addiction, both discovered about 3.5 years ago. We've been married 23 years, have one DS 15 with special needs/medical issues.

First question....why am I still here after the above? 1. Financially trapped 2. Fear of damage to DS

Backgrounder continued: Husband diagnosed with narcissistic tendencies, aside from infidelity has done SO many things over the years to be emotionally abusive to me and sometimes to DS. Just to clarify, he doesn't curse or call names, however he antagonizes and pushes and is often very impatient with DS.

He's been sleeping on the couch for about 4 months now and he clearly knows I want a divorce. I've been to 3 attorneys already, all of which have advised me differently with my rights, etc.

Bottom line, last night my husband was yelling so much at my DS when he (my DS) was in a terrible state physically and emotionally that it sent him into a major panic attack and I honestly thought i was going to have to take him to the ER.

It became more clear to me than ever that my husband has to leave this house asap. The problem is that legally I can't get him to leave unless there is domestic violence, which there has not been, thank God. But the emotional abuse that goes on, IMO is just as harmful, if not more so than physical abuse, especially for my DS.

So.....I'm wondering if there's any possible way I can get him out of the house based on emotional abuse and the fact that it's terribly distressing to my DS, which is the WORST thing for his conditions as they are both exacerbated by stress.

I will also put a call in to one of the attorneys I met with to see what she suggests, but thought maybe some of you might have dealt with something similar or know someone who did and have some ideas on how to get my husband out asap.

TIA

[Anonymous]

Your son went into a panic attack?

Your husband is abusing your son verbally?

No ideas, call a lawyer.

Also, I believe you're the freelance graphic designer? Try www.lynda.com for developing your skills.

[Anonymous]

P.S. Is your son okay cognitively? Won't he get that the two of you need to divorce, given what you are describing? Not the affair, but the fighting and your husband screaming at him, too?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, 8:21. I am definitely contacting an attorney, but from what I understand the only way to get him out is with domestic violence/abuse. I will definitely check out Lynda.com.

To answer your question about DS, yes he is okay cognitively, and he is definitely aware that his dad and I are not "love birds," however as far as how he feels about his dad, that's very complicated. I don't think he's at the maturity level yet to really understand the dynamics of my husband's issues as they relate to his relationship with him.

My husband spends A LOT of time with DS as far as taking him to games, museums, etc., so to my husband that qualifies him as a "great dad." Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful he spends so much time with DS and puts a lot of effort into taking him to fun activites/events, but it's all a very surface relationship, if that makes sense. And although they are going to fun places/events, I've seen on numerous occasions my husband get very impatient and upset with DS over nothing and taking out his frustrations on DS for no reason.

So for DS, I think it's very confusing, and understandably so. DS has been in individual therapy for a while now, however, most of his therapy has been geared towards helping him cope with his conditions.

I have a call in to DS' therapist and plan to discuss what went on last night and ask for his help in perhaps writing a letter stating how my husband's behavior is adversely affecting DS. Not sure if he'll be willing to do that because he sort of told me in the past that he can't "take sides," however I think once he hears what I have to say he might change his mind.

Have an emergency appt. to see my therapist today.

[Anonymous]

Do you have family in the area? Can you leave and get the legal ball rolling?

[Anonymous]

OP,
I'm so sorry.

No legal advice.

I wonder if it might be possible that your husband is bipolar or has adult ADD? The sexual acting out and quickness to anger could be typical of either and both can respond well to treatment.

Have you and your husband had counseling to help deal with your son's issues? I'm wondering if that, plus any narcisism might be underlying his anger. I haven't read your other thread but is it possible that he'd go to family counseling? I worry about the dynamic with your son worsening with the stress of divorce and then you won't be there.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I'm so sorry.

No legal advice.

I wonder if it might be possible that your husband is bipolar or has adult ADD? The sexual acting out and quickness to anger could be typical of either and both can respond well to treatment.

Have you and your husband had counseling to help deal with your son's issues? I'm wondering if that, plus any narcisism might be underlying his anger. I haven't read your other thread but is it possible that he'd go to family counseling? I worry about the dynamic with your son worsening with the stress of divorce and then you won't be there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. 9:00, The only family in the area is my brother and there's no way we could stay with him because he's way out in the boonies, plus I have 2 dogs and that wouldn't work.

9:06, There is no question in my mind that my husband has adult ADD, and quite possibly some borderline personality disorder, but I wouldn't say he has the typical profile of bipolar.

Either way, we have been to TONS of counseling over the years, but it goes nowhere because he does not have the ability or the tools to recognize his issues, which pretty much goes hand in hand with narcissistic tendencies.

He has been in individual therapy as well for several years, but again, it pretty much goes nowhere because of his inability and unwillingness to recognize his issues and deal with them accordingly.

I also worry about my sons issues worsening with a divorce situation, but not sure what you mean that I "won't be there." Do you mean emotionally?

I can only guess, but my gut feeling is that my son's issues might actually improve if we did divorce/separate because it would be a relief to him that the elephant in the room is finally gone, if that makes sense. Or that the other shoe has finally dropped.

There's no question it will be beyond difficult for both of us (DS and I) in every respect, but the environment in our house is SO toxic that it's like we're constantly breathing in poison on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 9:00, The only family in the area is my brother and there's no way we could stay with him because he's way out in the boonies, plus I have 2 dogs and that wouldn't work.

9:06, There is no question in my mind that my husband has adult ADD, and quite possibly some borderline personality disorder, but I wouldn't say he has the typical profile of bipolar.

Either way, we have been to TONS of counseling over the years, but it goes nowhere because he does not have the ability or the tools to recognize his issues, which pretty much goes hand in hand with narcissistic tendencies.

He has been in individual therapy as well for several years, but again, it pretty much goes nowhere because of his inability and unwillingness to recognize his issues and deal with them accordingly.

I also worry about my sons issues worsening with a divorce situation, but not sure what you mean that I "won't be there." Do you mean emotionally?

I can only guess, but my gut feeling is that my son's issues might actually improve if we did divorce/separate because it would be a relief to him that the elephant in the room is finally gone, if that makes sense. Or that the other shoe has finally dropped.

There's no question it will be beyond difficult for both of us (DS and I) in every respect, but the environment in our house is SO toxic that it's like we're constantly breathing in poison on a daily basis.

Not the PP You're referring to, but do you think your husband will want joint custody? Because this could very well be what pp was talkng about.. You probably won't always be there...

What if your husband kept the dogs? Could you stay with your brother then?

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be hard, I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I'm sorry..

[Anonymous]

I'm actually in a similar situation and have give this general question a lot of thought. Courts are not quick to kick out the person who actually paid for the entire domicile (in this case, the husband).

OP you're going to need to screw up your courage and start getting formal. If I remember all your past posts, you haven't done anything like that. Go back to that lawyer. Get in front of a judge. Probably FILE for divorce.

Only then can you present evidence tending to show that the other litigant needs to vacate the domicile. This would include evidence of any abuse, evidence that the continued presence of the other litigant is harmful to the health of the dependent children.

In other words ... the only way you're going to find out what works here is to actually TEST IT OUT. You may lose. That's the risk you need to take to ultimately prevail.

So either go forward and take action, or cut back on the dithering and ruminating. I know it's hard, I've been there. But I'm spelling it out so clearly so there's no mistaking what actually has to happen: make. a. move.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I was talking about shared custody.

Your husband should be evaluated by a psychiatrist who is experienced with adult ADD, for some people meds are miraculous. Once his condition is properly diagnosed and under control he may be better able to benefit from therapy. Would he be willing? I'd get recs for someone good in your area and offer to go with him.

If he can be stabilized you all will benefit. I have a SN child myself and I also wonder if some of the volatility in his rx with your son is having difficulty incorporating or processing your son's diagnoses.

[Anonymous]

I strongly suggest you re-evaluate your commitment to the dogs. It's sounds absurd in light of what's being inflicted on your son.

Foster them out to some organized dog lovers' group.

It's like when you hear terrible stories of Jews who stayed in Germany because they had a piano. The difference is, those poor folks couldn't have possibly known what they would face by not leaving. You can see the writing on the wall.

Flee.

[Anonymous]

OP here. 9:57, thanks for spelling it out, I totally get what you're saying. I have no problem getting "formal," and filing, but I feel like if I do that without having all of my ducks in a row, I will definitely lose. I simply can not afford to take that risk now, I have lost so much already emotionally, mentally and physically that I will go off the deep end never to return.

I need to be here and be strong for my DS, so I have to be very strategic in how I approach this whole thing, which is why I'm not acting impulsively, although it's hard not to.

9:58, I totally agree he should be evaluated, but when someone is not "on board" with the notion of having ADD or any other issues, unfortunately being evaluated wouldn't do much. Even if he was diagnosed with a cocktail of disorders, my husband would say they didn't know what they were doing, or do whatever he could to stay in his denial fantasyland that is how he functions.

There's no doubt in my mind that he has MAJOR difficulty processing and accepting my DS' diagnoses, but that is not going to change anytime soon. Even when my husband's own father was dying of cancer, who he worshipped beyond belief, he (and his family members) basically let him suffer because they simply don't know how to deal or cope or to take the bull by the horns, and most of all, how to face reality.

He was seeing a neuropsyche for about 2 years, who is the one that initially diagnosed him with narcissistic tendencies. This therapist told him (and me) on several occasions that my husband is literally emotionally retarded. He was being dead serious, and unfortunately that is the sad truth. When someone is so severely stunted in their emotional growth and capacity, there isn't a whole lot that can be done, even with meds. It's more of a personality disorder than anything else, and although ADD meds might help, I think he'd still have the core issues which would continue to wreak havoc on everyone.

10:02, your comment is beyond appalling. I don't know if you have dogs or ever have had, but it just so happens these dogs are my son's life and provide him with constant love and security. There are his full-time 24/7 "therapists" and to take that away from him would be more cruel than just about anything I can think of.

Obviously, what's going on is a cruelty of sorts in and of itself, but taking the dogs away from my son is simply not an option.

[Anonymous]

P.S. OP here again. 9:45, you asked "What if your husband kept the dogs? Could you stay with your brother then?"

2 reasons why that unfortunately won't work. 1. The dogs would die a quick death because my husband can't even be bothered to fill up their water bowl, let alone care for them at any level. 2. The dogs are my son's world and it would devastate him beyond repair if he's not able to be with them on a regular basis. He loves the dogs SO much!!

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's getting worse almost by the minute. I feel like the walls are closing in around me. Everywhere I turn it seems I get screwed and betrayed. Not only by my husband, but by attorneys, doctors, you name it.

The pain is so great and has gone on for so long, I don't know how much more I can take. I would never do anything drastic because a) I would never do that to my DS and b) I would never have the courage.

Everywhere I turn, everything I try to think of how to get out of this marriage and survive is a dead end.

Right now my DS is in a terrible state physically and emotionally, we're not 100% sure what's going on, but he can't sleep and is constantly falling over on the floor or into walls and his anxiety is through the roof because he can't sleep, so it's a vicious cycle.

Had him to the doctor, had tons of blood work done, and so far nothing at all shows up. I had a heart to heart with him in between him nodding of every 2 minutes to make sure that this wasn't stemming from the stress in the marriage. He assured me it has nothing to do with that and swears that he doesn't know what it's from or why it's happening. He's beside himself and I'm nearing the point of considering hospitalization, but the doctor and I both agreed that could be disastrous because of his anxiety issues. So we're in somewhat of a catch-22.

Sorry for posting in this thread about somewhat non-related stuff to the original post, but I figured it would be easier to post here to have the big picture.

I'm trying with all of my might to be optimistic and keep telling myself that some way some how this never-ending nightmare (talking about my marriage now) will come to an end and I can be free of the prison I've been in for so long. I would give anything to be able to just pick up and move out of the house, but it's not possible financially, and also because of my DS condition, which is always so unpredictable and worsens with stress.

I know things could always be a lot worse and I'm thankful they are not, but I feel like I'm beyond my limit of what I can handle mentally and physically at this point. I have no family members here other than my brother who is not really able to help out, and really only have one friend to speak of who is embroiled in her own mess at the moment.

I am in therapy and have been for sometime, but there's nothing much the therapist can say at this point other than "you need to get the hell out."

Even if I filed today, which I was planning to do, however the attorney I thought I was going to work with couldn't be bothered to return my call, it will still take weeks possibly months to get to the point where I can get my husband out of the house and I honestly don't know if I can take one more day of this hell.

Sorry for ranting, I just feel so alone and trapped and have no one to turn to.