Feel like the walls are closing in quickly

[Anonymous]

I apologize in advance for this post. I guess I feel like I have to apologize for even breathing these days because everywhere I turn, no matter how hard I try to be a kind, honest, caring, compassionate human being, I get one slap in the face after another. I feel like I must have a huge sticker on my forehead that says "please throw me under the bus, and make it the biggest one you can find!"

Almost everyone in my life that I trusted has betrayed me in one form or another. Despite it all, and also having a special-needs child, I've managed until now (at age 54) to keep my chin up and plow through all the adversities and betrayals that have come my way. I've managed to keep a smile on my face and wake up almost every morning saying "today is a new day."

But now I simply have no more strength left to do that anymore. I live with a husband who had a 5 year affair and strip club addiction that I can't divorce or separate from because of finances; my estranged father committed suicide last February leaving almost a million dollars to his nephew and the nephew's wife and nothing to my 2 siblings and I; my teenage son has special needs that are extremely taxing and his ability to be an independent adult in the future is questionable; and the one refuge from all of this—my part-time retail job where I've worked for the past 4 years and where I thought my co-workers were my friends—has no turned sour.

I have no one to blame but myself for being so stupid as to continue to trust people despite repeatedly being betrayed and stepped on in one form or another. The pain has become so overwhelming from all of this I simply don't want to deal with it anymore. I am and have been in therapy for quite a while, but there's not really much that a therapist can do for someone in my situation. Medication is not an option for me because I have severe side effects from everything I've tried in the past.

Before the job situation came up I felt like the walls were closing in on me everywhere I turned, but the job was the one remaining opening where I felt I could be free of the tremendous stress I deal with in every other part of my life.

I have really only one friend to speak of and now she's not available much because she's moved in with her boyfriend, so I feel very alone and trapped with nowhere or no one to turn to. You have all been so kind and helpful to me with other posts, so even though I don't know anyone I'm talking to on here I feel like you are all really my only friends.

Thanks for being there and thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

Find yourself a therapist. You need to work on your self-confidence and figure out why you persist in making bad choices.

Find a therapist and invest some time in you. Good luck, things can get better.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for you to start taking some courses or something to help you get another job? Perhaps one that would allow for more freedom and the ability to leave your DH? I don't know what your finances are...

I'm not at all religious, but do you belong to a church/temple/mosque? These can be good support systems and communities in these rough times.

Sending a virtual hug your way! You sound like a very strong person - you will make it through this!

[Anonymous]

Take a deep breath.

You have choices. It might feel like you don't, but you do. You might not like the choices you have, they might not be easy, but you do have them. Options are all you need when you are feeling low.

First, your husband. Yes, you can get a divorce. No, I don't care about the finances. You can downsize and get a decent settlement. You can find true love again.

Your father's money? Well, you were estranged. Who cares whose fault it was, but people who are estranged generally don't leave inheritances to people from whom they are estranged. Plus, it really wouldn't be that much money after taxes and splitting it three ways. Ignore this, it's a red herring and your father's choices? Not a reflection on you.

Your job? Not enough details, but truly, it's called work for a reason. Don't look to work for love.

Your son? If he's not in a program helping him gain some vocational skills within the confines of his disability, he should be in one. There are options here, things that will end up being really good for him.

[Anonymous]

It is always a mistake to expect happiness in this world. If you just don't expect it, you won't be so disappointed when you don't get any. Remember the pain Jesus suffered as he died on the cross. He knows your pain and knows you can take it. Find solace is prayer and don't expect anything more.

(Also, can you list on this thread things that give you pleasure (not happiness)? rainbows? a fresh breeze? Ice cream?)

[TheManWithAUsername]

Sorry that you feel this way. Most people I know, including me, have felt that way before, too. Most of us feel better...at least for now. You have significant challenges, but you're not uniquely cursed, uniquely unhappy, or alone.

I'd echo what a PP said about choices. The lie I tell myself that I have no choice is a depressive trap designed to protect me from my fear of tough actions and tough decisions.

The good news is that we only have one day, or one moment. You just have to do the next right thing.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for the words of encouragement and helpful suggestions, I truly appreciate it.

Manwithname: I totally agree that my situation is not unique and there are certainly many others in this world in much more desperate and unpleasant circumstances.

11:15 I would love nothing more than to just take a leap and make the changes that need to happen, especially divorcing my husband. But things are just not as simple as "downsizing" or getting my son into a vocational school.

My son's conditions are extremely complicated and it may be quite some time before we are able to get him the proper diagnosis and treatment for many reasons, but mainly because it's such a complicated and difficult situation and so far there are no doctors that have a clear understanding of what's what and are able to really help.

One thing that is an absolute is the fact that stress, even the littlest thing, can set off a whole series of physical and emotional issues that can render him virtually non-functional. He is an only child, so there are no siblings for him to share with in the trauma of his parents divorcing and then moving.

He is currently in a private school, which we are hoping will help him in many ways with his issues, but it will all take time.

Downsizing, sure, that would be great. But first of all, we are already pretty downsized to begin with, secondly, we'd obviously have to sell our house and then each move into an apt. We barely make it under one roof with a $2,500 mortgage and we also have two dogs, which adds to the problem. And no, getting rid of the dogs is not an option as they are basically my son's "therapy" dogs and he (and I) are extremely attached to them.

But most importantly, yes, I am a very strong person who has been through more adversities than most, but the older you get the less your nervous system can handle, and even though I'm physically in great shape and work out religiously, my nervous system is beyond shot.

As awful as my current situation and living circumstances are, to try and sell our home, pack, find an affordable apt. that will allow 2 dogs, then up and move would be way more than I am capable of handling right now. All of the stress I've been dealing with is beginning to take a physical toll and I don't think it would make sense for me to endure 2 out of the top 3 most stressful life events at once (moving and divorce) in my current condition. Could I do it? Yes, anyone could. But I know myself well enough to know that right now I am at my absolute limit stress-wise and I fear for my health, and my son's health, if I were to place both of us in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Hon, let go of the excuses.

[Anonymous]

OP, are there any support groups around for parents of kids who have the same Dx as your son? You need to create some healthy social ties of some sort. I don't know the best way to do it, but I'd try support groups first. Maybe volunteer options if you have the time. Or finding another job. That's what I'd try to triage first.

I have a special needs son, too and know how hard it can be. Best wishes and I hope you find a speedy solution.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone when feeling like this. Most of us go thru these feelings.

Ae you able to talk to a divorce lawyer and at least get an idea of how things will be split up before you rule out divorce? He will still need to provide support for your son and maybe he will responsible for more than you think.

Don't worry about the inheritance - you were estranged - and you were not owed that money - he can do whatever he wants with it. Might not make sense, but it is his right.


Make new friends - I know - much easier said than done. Attend church - at the least - it will be a weekly habit that can replace your job as the place to go to when you need to disengage from life. Not into church? join a meetup doing an activity you like to do. Just go to the meetup site and do a search for meet ups in your area and then sign up. Some are more active than others..I do a yoga one which has been great.

Take a class - look at your county recreation catalog (Montgomery county has one for sure) and sign up for an inexpensive class. They have swimming, fitness, dance, cooking and most of them only run a couple months, once a week. A good way to get out, meet new people and learn something new.

I don't have any suggestions for your son - can his teacher give you some recommendations?

OP - I have had some rough patches - and I still do, but not nearly as much. I was told, in a not so gentle way, that I am responsible for me and my happiness. Life is short and it is my responsibilty to make it the best that i can. I have wasted 5 years of my life already sad about something that just wasn't meant to be.
It was the wake up call I needed. I really try and focus on the positive (and you will be able to find something positive in your life). I try and work out and that has helped. I am slowly changing my perspective on parts of my life that I am not happy with (and don't have control over!). I wish you the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hon, let go of the excuses.

No joke. Find a good therapist and work through the issues.

[Anonymous]

12:25, There aren't really any support groups for my son's DX because he has multiple issues and we are still trying to determine the root cause and ultimate DX if there is one to be had.

I would love to do volunteering, meet-ups, etc., however with my current job and commuting nearly 4 hours total each day to take and pick up my son at school, I do not have any time available to do these things.

I did recently join a women's support group for separation/divorce, which I go to once a week, but other than that I don't have the time available to do these things.

12:25 I have spoken to 3 divorce attorneys so far, all of which have given me different information. But the bottom line is that you can't get blood from a stone. If there is no money to be had, which there clearly is not, then that's pretty much that. Yes, he would have to pay alimony and child support, but what he'd be capable of paying based on his income would barely cover our current mortgage, or monthly rent in an apt.

Technically, you are right, we were not owed any of that money and he certainly had the right to do with it as he pleased. But there is a lot more to the story that is too long to go into here.

I am glad to hear that you are doing better, and I totally understand and agree with what you are saying. Up until recently, I was very positive, happy, upbeat and optimistic, despite my circumstances. But after being bulldozed over and over again without barely being able to catch my breath, I think it's all finally taking a toll.

[Anonymous]

OP, as bad as things are for you, I am not taking away from that, but you are REALLY REALLY REALLY good at playing the fall guy. Everyone somehow owes you? Your estranged father? Really? I am not trying to be unsympathetic, in fact I am trying to be nice while gritting my teeth here, but you need a therapist and you need to learn more ACCOUNTABILITY - and coping skills. Drop the excuses. Yesterday.

There are plenty of parents with SN kids that are "ON" 24/7 and do NOT have help. They push forward because they have to. It is their responsibility. No one else's. I see it every day, more often than not. SN is exhausting, I know, but no reason to "give up" or think you have your day coming. You are a mother forever. No one owes you anything. Not a medal, not time, not money, not anything.

Don't get me wrong, I would love $1m windfall too. But it is owed to NO ONE. You sounds like you somehow thought money answers your problems. I have news for you. You need to change your thinking, if nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hon, let go of the excuses.

Yes, this poster is right - and that's your answer.

Once you let go of all your over the top, convoluted excuses, you can come up with solutions.

The problem you are having is that the solutions will most likely invovle changes to your routine, lifestyle, relationships, etc.

It's not your son that can't handle things, its you. As for the "complicated" issue with his special needs - nah, they aren't that complicated - they are either physical, mental problems or a combination. See there are only three categories. And believe me, as much as we want our kids to be our special snowflakes, some other kids, somewhere has had the same issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:25, There aren't really any support groups for my son's DX because he has multiple issues and we are still trying to determine the root cause and ultimate DX if there is one to be had.I would love to do volunteering, meet-ups, etc., however with my current job and commuting nearly 4 hours total each day to take and pick up my son at school, I do not have any time available to do these things.

I did recently join a women's support group for separation/divorce, which I go to once a week, but other than that I don't have the time available to do these things.

12:25 I have spoken to 3 divorce attorneys so far, all of which have given me different information. But the bottom line is that you can't get blood from a stone. If there is no money to be had, which there clearly is not, then that's pretty much that. Yes, he would have to pay alimony and child support, but what he'd be capable of paying based on his income would barely cover our current mortgage, or monthly rent in an apt.

Technically, you are right, we were not owed any of that money and he certainly had the right to do with it as he pleased. But there is a lot more to the story that is too long to go into here.

I am glad to hear that you are doing better, and I totally understand and agree with what you are saying. Up until recently, I was very positive, happy, upbeat and optimistic, despite my circumstances. But after being bulldozed over and over again without barely being able to catch my breath, I think it's all finally taking a toll.

If your son is a teenager, how did you miss these issues for so many years?