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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My marriage has been up and down for 12 years.  A few months are ok, then we're back to terrible... then we really want to work on it, then a fundamental disagreement happens and it's stonewalling and contempt. It's never ending and exhausting.

At this point I'm trying to hold off divorce for the sake of the kids, at least until they're in late high school or college. That's about 6 more years. For context, the kids don't see the worst of us (arguments happen when they're not home) and DH and I always come together to support our family unit. That said, we're not affectionate to each other and the kids I'm sure can see that there is tension between us.

For those of you who waited until your kids were older or adults, are you glad you waited, for their sake, logistically, financially or otherwise? Or do you wish you would have done it sooner? Why? Has it impacted your kids? Similarly, if your parents had a gray divorce, how has that impacted you if at all?

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Separated in late 2018 after 16 years. Divorce finalized in early 2020. Two girls, 16 and 14 at the time.

Marriage had been bad for a long time. Many reasons for this I won't get into, but suffice it to say I had considered divorce when the kids were younger but didn't believe the courts would be fair on custody and didn't want to be a Wednesday and every-other-weekend father. We moved, in part because of the financial stress of her repeatedly running up credit cards even while avoiding getting a job, in part because I think we thought it might save the marriage. It didn't.

The circumstances leading to acting on separation and divorce were rather traumatizing. They involved her infidelity including a great deal of limerance (even so far as buying herself a "promise" ring to wear for the other man, which she proceeded to wear in front of me and the kids on Christmas). My oldest, who has some mental health problems, spiraled and it hurt our relationship because she would demand answers from me about what happened and I wouldn't talk to her about it because there was no way to do so without appearing to disparage her mother. High school was rocky -- in and out of partial hospitalization programs. But, we survived and both kids got into good Virginia universities and eventually thrived.

For me, I did feel a period of liberation in which I was happy to discover I was still desirable after seven years of no sex; I had resigned myself to that before the divorce, because keeping an intact family was my priority. I did date, but only when my kids were on their mothers' custody time. Although that got harder because over time, they were with me 90% of the time even though custody was 50/50 on paper. I finally met someone special during my youngest's daughter's senior year in high school. We recently got married (DD is in college now).

Financially, it was devastating -- money on lawyers and a private investigator to prove the affair, etc. Although I settled rather than put the kids through court testimony, etc., so asset split (i.e., she got half of mine but didn't really have anything to offer because she reneged on promises to return to work). I'm finally starting to recover.

Bottom line: It was harrowing for several years in terms of emotion, relationships with teenage children and challenges with their mental health and finances. Things are stable now and life is better. But it was rough sailing to get here.

I don't really know how my ex is. I'm civil to her but I also don't really care what she does, other than the fact that she is the mother of my children. [/quote]

You must be gay. [/quote]

You sound like a festering, rancid twat. [/quote]

Straight men don’t post your drivel. I know you don’t like women so it’s no surprise the insult you used. On top of that, you provided more so that I was correct. No straight man uses the words festering or twat. 
Just own it. It’s accepted now. [/quote]

Oh, my sweet summer child. I'm as straight as they come. And I came in or on many, many chicks, especially after my divorce.

But you cling to your delusion, mkay? It's weird how you think accusing me of being gay is either clever or devastating. [/quote]

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