S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
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Anonymous
Or how about all those divorced parents where the dads got to be every other weekend dads who took the kids to dinner, a movie, or some other fun activity, with little to no real parenting. |
Anonymous
| I may be crazy, but I am jumping into this post. I am a grandmother and I have more than a few friends who are also grandparents. I only can speak for those of us who have local grandchildren. We all are upperclass 60+, some retired and some not. Everyone I know is helping with childcare on a weekly basis. Personally, I watch my grandchild just under 40 hours a week and promised to keep this schedule for a year until she has the majority of her vaccinations. In my circle, this situation is the norm not the exception. |
Anonymous
Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother. For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging. Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come. Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know. Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly. Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents. I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances. |
Anonymous
It wasn't more societal pressure. There is definitely more societal pressure on parents today, especially around supervision, attention, and emotional support. The laissez-faire parenting that was standard in the 1970s and 1980s is now considered neglect, and in some cases is illegal. My 8 year old is so annoyed she can't go to the park nearby on her own even though she absolutely is responsible enough to go and to play solo. I would also love to send her. But it's illegal in our municipality and people have called the cops on kids at that specific park for that reason, which is insane. They don't arrest anyone but your kid gets walked home and then you get shamed by the police and whatever ahole neighbor decided to busy body their way into a situation that was not negatively impacting them at all. So I'm going to go ahead and say there's more societal pressure on parents now. |
Anonymous
This is so interesting. I hope to help with any future grandchildren I may have, as able via health and logistics. I am Gen X and did not have any parental help when my kids were born or young. Not even when my youngest was very sick in the PICU one time. My one living parent was in AZ living their best life and literally laughed when I asked for them to come babysit. |
Anonymous
+1. This was my experience with being raised in the 60s and 70s. Moms did the heavy lifting for household upkeep, raising the kids and managing all family social life. |
Anonymous
+1. I would totally do this if my grandchildren were local. We help sit for our local grandnieces. |
Anonymous
Thank you PP. I am the PP you responded to, and this is exactly what I was hoping to learn. I will be saving your post to read in the future. Btw, you sound like a great mom, MIL and grandparent! |
Anonymous
That is definitely not the norm in my social circle. My kids are 2 & 4.5. Everyone I know has a nanny or FT childcare (or a SAHP). Maybe it is a socioeconomic divide. Most of our parents are enjoying early retirement. They will absolutely take the kids overnight or pick them up from school maybe 2x a month when they are home from FL / their summer house, but we don’t “need” the care if that makes sense. |
Anonymous
Well I'm 70. So yes. My father was a physician who deliberately chose a specialty that allowed him to come home for lunch and and dinner every day while he and my mother were in the child raising stage of life. Sure, he frequently was out in the middle of the night for emergencies, but he was there every evening sitting in his chair in the family room watching whatever the household of girls chose on tv. Reading the books we read. An admiring audience for new clothes, Always willing to take us on any sort of outing. Taught us as much sport as we'd allow. In our adulthood, he had a much more high-powered job, but if any of his daughters called for help or advice, and he was in a meeting, he asked us to hang on a sec and cleared the room to give us his full attention. He was raised by a similar father. No surprise, I married someone who prioritized family time. Sure, it's amazing privilege to have the ability to prioritize family time over basic needs but this is a message board of privileged people for the most part. |
Anonymous
Moms never seem to plan the showers these days. I plan at least one shower a year and dealing with the boomers is the hardest part. They want to invite ALL their friends, but really I’m just planning the friends shower. I don’t have room for 75 at my house (30 is fine) and I’m not funding a 10k shower at a restaurant. They have so much free time and it boggles my mind that they can’t plan a shower. Even when I was 25 and broke, no mother ever stepped up to help. Let’s have the broke bridemaids plan it. I planned my best friends shower when I was 8m pregnant with my 3rd. Both of her moms commented on how they wished it was bigger and they could have invited more people. Nope- my friends were in charge of the guest list and they wanted their friends, not yours. Sigh. I never had a wedding shower because my maid of honor was serving overseas and it’s not proper for moms to throw showers. It stung so I never wanted someone else to feel like that before their wedding. |
Anonymous
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My parents are local and live down the street. It’s basically life changing and they are so helpful. When dhs and my jobs hit the fan, they are there to help. We have weekly dinners with them, Dh helps them with anything that needs fixed, and I also just hang out with my mom a lot even without kids.
My MIL said something the other day and I can’t stop thinking about it. She said they never wanted to move closer to their kids because kids don’t need their parents anyways and wouldn’t spend time with them. She’s so lonely and always begging us to visit but won’t bother to visit us, let alone help us. I guess I couldn’t relate because we do spend so much time with my parents since they are local. She’s totally fine with my parents doing the heavy lift. She also thinks she deserves all major holidays instead of my parents since we see my parents more. Umm no? We split holidays 50/50. Except for Christmas, which we spend at home with anyone who travels to us. Our siblings have come, aunts, uncles, cousins, but never my in-laws because they want us to come to them. |
Anonymous
Why have you not moved to your grandchildren? It’s much easier for retirees to move than children with demanding jobs. |
Anonymous
Right. I think this is also why my MIL makes these kinds of comments all the time. She feels that I’m asking too much involvement from her son when he ‘already works so hard’ and she did it all herself! |
Anonymous
NP too I think many grandparents are incredibly helpful in different ways. My parents help out more than most when they visit, but could not help when I was drowning in stress. At least they were not adding to it! Friend's parents are demanding of her time, energy and attention even when they are meant to be helpful. It could be a culture thing but I think people just fall into routines they find normal and dont realize the stress they inflict. There are some families in our neighborhood with grandparents helping out and I envy them so much. I hope I could be a help like that but doubt it will happen. |