S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

OP has a point, but I've also seen women here complain about the ILs overstepping by simply doing the dishes. Full on tantrum about MIL folding the laundry or vacuuming or the mere offer to help a postpartum DIL is a violation of boundaries. The ILs are in a lose - lose too.

This and the fighting over who is "hosting" the holiday dinners. These martyrs want to take that burden on to their overflowing plates for whatever reason. They complain about doing it all, but then insist on doing it all. No wonder their husbands back off and sit on the couch, they complain about that too. Whatever happens, there will be complaints so why bother?

I never got the fighting over hosting. It's a lot of work. I was happy to have my MIL and SIL do the big family dinners, bring the famiiy and a nice dish, then compliment the hosts for their hospitality.

I also love to free load and take advantage of others’ need to host. Personally I don’t have the energy or inclination to host anyone myself!

So true! I have to host everything (well "have to" is a strong word, I'm just the only one who is willing and able right now) but I am looking forward to my future freeloading days when I can just show up with my assigned dish and a bottle of wine.

[Anonymous]

Put it in perspective. My parents and in laws have been retired for over 20 years and their youngest left home before then. - They've had basically no responsibility for taking care of anyone else AND no job responsibilities for 20 years.

Yes they have forgotten. And also they aren't the same people they were on the day they retired.

I'll get flamed for this but IMO, that why boomers seem so self centered sometimes. They just have been the center of their own worlds for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel you on this so much. I have a C-suite job and two elementary schoolers. My retired parents live two hours away and expect me to be able to pop down for the weekend at least once a month, but they are really only willing to come and visit me for Thanksgiving (though I invite them frequently).

A decision you made voluntarily. Job over family. Which one day you very well might regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

OP has a point, but I've also seen women here complain about the ILs overstepping by simply doing the dishes. Full on tantrum about MIL folding the laundry or vacuuming or the mere offer to help a postpartum DIL is a violation of boundaries. The ILs are in a lose - lose too.

This and the fighting over who is "hosting" the holiday dinners. These martyrs want to take that burden on to their overflowing plates for whatever reason. They complain about doing it all, but then insist on doing it all. No wonder their husbands back off and sit on the couch, they complain about that too. Whatever happens, there will be complaints so why bother?

I never got the fighting over hosting. It's a lot of work. I was happy to have my MIL and SIL do the big family dinners, bring the famiiy and a nice dish, then compliment the hosts for their hospitality.

I also love to free load and take advantage of others’ need to host. Personally I don’t have the energy or inclination to host anyone myself!

So true! I have to host everything (well "have to" is a strong word, I'm just the only one who is willing and able right now) but I am looking forward to my future freeloading days when I can just show up with my assigned dish and a bottle of wine.

I genuinely love hosting, especially holidays like Thanksgiving and Eastern, as my spouse and I love cooking and entertaining. But neither my parents nor my ILs will travel to us for holidays so we either have to travel to them or spend them apart. The frustrating thing when we go to my ILs is that my MIL absolutely hates hosting. She wants us to visit, but she wants to put in zero effort. That would be okay with me for a regular visit, but it makes me deeply sad when it's, like, Thanksgiving. I don't really blame anyone but feel depressed about the situation because my options are (1) host at our house knowing it will be small with no extended family, (2) attend my parents Thanksgiving, which is great but requires a LOT of travel for us at the worst possible time to travel and is just not a relaxing or restful weekend at all because of the distance, or (3) go to MILs and wind up cooking most of the food anyway in a house that just doesn't feel festive or warm or inviting at all.

I always imagined that at this time in my life, I'd be hosting Thanksgiving every year for my immediate family as well as, at least some of the time, my parents and my ILs. That's what my mom was doing at my age, and my grandparents regularly traveled to our house for it, even though they all lived at least 3 states away -- my dad's mom would come for the full week, and sometimes she'd stay until Christmas and it was really nice to have her and get that extra time with my grandmother and I think she liked being there too. I was surprised and disappointed when I realized it would never be like that at our house.

[Anonymous]

I always get a kick out of threads like these. Women complaining how busy they are and so desperate for help yet they seem to have plenty of time to post novellas on DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

OP has a point, but I've also seen women here complain about the ILs overstepping by simply doing the dishes. Full on tantrum about MIL folding the laundry or vacuuming or the mere offer to help a postpartum DIL is a violation of boundaries. The ILs are in a lose - lose too.

This and the fighting over who is "hosting" the holiday dinners. These martyrs want to take that burden on to their overflowing plates for whatever reason. They complain about doing it all, but then insist on doing it all. No wonder their husbands back off and sit on the couch, they complain about that too. Whatever happens, there will be complaints so why bother?

I never got the fighting over hosting. It's a lot of work. I was happy to have my MIL and SIL do the big family dinners, bring the famiiy and a nice dish, then compliment the hosts for their hospitality.

I also love to free load and take advantage of others’ need to host. Personally I don’t have the energy or inclination to host anyone myself!

So true! I have to host everything (well "have to" is a strong word, I'm just the only one who is willing and able right now) but I am looking forward to my future freeloading days when I can just show up with my assigned dish and a bottle of wine.

I genuinely love hosting, especially holidays like Thanksgiving and Eastern, as my spouse and I love cooking and entertaining. But neither my parents nor my ILs will travel to us for holidays so we either have to travel to them or spend them apart. The frustrating thing when we go to my ILs is that my MIL absolutely hates hosting. She wants us to visit, but she wants to put in zero effort. That would be okay with me for a regular visit, but it makes me deeply sad when it's, like, Thanksgiving. I don't really blame anyone but feel depressed about the situation because my options are (1) host at our house knowing it will be small with no extended family, (2) attend my parents Thanksgiving, which is great but requires a LOT of travel for us at the worst possible time to travel and is just not a relaxing or restful weekend at all because of the distance, or (3) go to MILs and wind up cooking most of the food anyway in a house that just doesn't feel festive or warm or inviting at all.

I always imagined that at this time in my life, I'd be hosting Thanksgiving every year for my immediate family as well as, at least some of the time, my parents and my ILs. That's what my mom was doing at my age, and my grandparents regularly traveled to our house for it, even though they all lived at least 3 states away -- my dad's mom would come for the full week, and sometimes she'd stay until Christmas and it was really nice to have her and get that extra time with my grandmother and I think she liked being there too. I was surprised and disappointed when I realized it would never be like that at our house.

That's too bad but no one likes traveling at Thanksgiving. Your best bet is to choose a different time of year to have a get-together where you parents fly out to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

OP has a point, but I've also seen women here complain about the ILs overstepping by simply doing the dishes. Full on tantrum about MIL folding the laundry or vacuuming or the mere offer to help a postpartum DIL is a violation of boundaries. The ILs are in a lose - lose too.

This and the fighting over who is "hosting" the holiday dinners. These martyrs want to take that burden on to their overflowing plates for whatever reason. They complain about doing it all, but then insist on doing it all. No wonder their husbands back off and sit on the couch, they complain about that too. Whatever happens, there will be complaints so why bother?

I never got the fighting over hosting. It's a lot of work. I was happy to have my MIL and SIL do the big family dinners, bring the famiiy and a nice dish, then compliment the hosts for their hospitality.

I also love to free load and take advantage of others’ need to host. Personally I don’t have the energy or inclination to host anyone myself!

So true! I have to host everything (well "have to" is a strong word, I'm just the only one who is willing and able right now) but I am looking forward to my future freeloading days when I can just show up with my assigned dish and a bottle of wine.

I genuinely love hosting, especially holidays like Thanksgiving and Eastern, as my spouse and I love cooking and entertaining. But neither my parents nor my ILs will travel to us for holidays so we either have to travel to them or spend them apart. The frustrating thing when we go to my ILs is that my MIL absolutely hates hosting. She wants us to visit, but she wants to put in zero effort. That would be okay with me for a regular visit, but it makes me deeply sad when it's, like, Thanksgiving. I don't really blame anyone but feel depressed about the situation because my options are (1) host at our house knowing it will be small with no extended family, (2) attend my parents Thanksgiving, which is great but requires a LOT of travel for us at the worst possible time to travel and is just not a relaxing or restful weekend at all because of the distance, or (3) go to MILs and wind up cooking most of the food anyway in a house that just doesn't feel festive or warm or inviting at all.

I always imagined that at this time in my life, I'd be hosting Thanksgiving every year for my immediate family as well as, at least some of the time, my parents and my ILs. That's what my mom was doing at my age, and my grandparents regularly traveled to our house for it, even though they all lived at least 3 states away -- my dad's mom would come for the full week, and sometimes she'd stay until Christmas and it was really nice to have her and get that extra time with my grandmother and I think she liked being there too. I was surprised and disappointed when I realized it would never be like that at our house.

That's too bad but no one likes traveling at Thanksgiving. Your best bet is to choose a different time of year to have a get-together where you parents fly out to see you.

Neither set likes to travel to us. My ILs just don't travel at all so that one doesn't bother me as much (though it's a bummer). My parents travel all the time but don't like visiting us. I am the least favored child and I was the last to have kids so I'm just not their priority. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?

Do you now know anyone who was married in the 70s? The majority of a father's parenting was fairly limited to bedtime stories and special outings.

+1. This was my experience with being raised in the 60s and 70s. Moms did the heavy lifting for household upkeep, raising the kids and managing all family social life.

Right. I think this is also why my MIL makes these kinds of comments all the time. She feels that I’m asking too much involvement from her son when he ‘already works so hard’ and she did it all herself!

Isn’t it interesting how different people are? My sister’s MIL is like this too. Mine had the same experience but found it overwhelming. She is on her son to make sure he does his share and supports me more than she does him.

[Anonymous]

I have teens now, but the early years were so exhausting. I’m up for babysitting my grandkids once in a while but I will not be up for regular childcare. But - I would definitely be up for cooking and bringing over meals weekly, staying home with contractors, run errands for them, taking kids to the dentist, staying home with a sick kid, etc etc. I find meal planning the hardest thing, and it happens every single day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put it in perspective. My parents and in laws have been retired for over 20 years and their youngest left home before then. - They've had basically no responsibility for taking care of anyone else AND no job responsibilities for 20 years.

Yes they have forgotten. And also they aren't the same people they were on the day they retired.

I'll get flamed for this but IMO, that why boomers seem so self centered sometimes. They just have been the center of their own worlds for decades.

When you’re retired and empty nesters you will have time to yourself too. But just because they haven’t been taking care of kids doesn’t mean they haven’t been caregivers. Both of my parents spent a lot of their early retirement years helping their own parents with health and other issues. As did DH’s parents.

In the OP, I definitely think it was weird and odd that her in-laws either didn’t tell anyone they were leaving two hours early or find a way to occupy themselves here until the prearranged arrival time. Sitting in the driveway was bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?

Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.

My boys aren’t even little anymore (7, 11, and 13) but this made me tear up. I’m going to screenshot it to save for when they’re grown and married and having babies (if that’s the path they take).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an old rump boomer MIL and don't know how you do it. I still don't know how I did it. Please tell those oldsters you're overwhelmed and need help. If they can't/won't provide it, quit worrying about their feelings. Prioritize your nuclear family. You don't get these years back. Take all the help you can get and pay it forward when the time comes.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

+1

I'm a young boomer and my kids are in their 20s and do not yet have children.

I recall very clearly how overwhelming it was to parent children while working full-time and handling everything else that life has thrown at us. I look back and I truly have no idea how I did it.

Tell your parents and your in-laws that you are overwhelmed and cannot have anything else on your plate, but that if they are able to take something off your plate, that would be amazing. Ask them for meals, to babysit, to take your kids out for excursions, whatever it is that you need.

Prioritize your nuclear family and do not apologize for it.

I wish I knew you because in all seriousness, I would lend a hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?

Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.

I think most of this is lovely and you sound like a very pleasant person but just don't like or overdo it. Telling people their kids are perfect and that they are the best parents sound incredibly insincere and like you are trying to just kiss-up or even manipulative, though I know you are just trying to ingratiate yourself. Even you admitted it's lying. Better to show you genuinely see the good and just note specific situations where you were impressed. Don't say the kids are "perfect" because it's hyperbole and disingenuous but do show you notice specific strengths. I have a mother who alienates everyone she gets close to with harsh criticism (as opposed to constructive) and downright mean comments and insults, but when she is trying to get something she goers the opposite extreme and gives tones of phony praise she doesn't believe. What feels good when connecting with someone is genuine behavior. Don't be sycophantic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put it in perspective. My parents and in laws have been retired for over 20 years and their youngest left home before then. - They've had basically no responsibility for taking care of anyone else AND no job responsibilities for 20 years.

Yes they have forgotten. And also they aren't the same people they were on the day they retired.

I'll get flamed for this but IMO, that why boomers seem so self centered sometimes. They just have been the center of their own worlds for decades.

Gen X here. In the workplace, boomers were bosses that wouldn't promote us or leave (we didn't expect instant promotions like i guess Gen Z does? but we did all the grunt work for years). My boss had me research nursing homes for her mother which was not part of my job description at all. So that's how they got it all done. I'd never even fathom thinking about having my staff do that now. It's so inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an old rump boomer MIL and don't know how you do it. I still don't know how I did it. Please tell those oldsters you're overwhelmed and need help. If they can't/won't provide it, quit worrying about their feelings. Prioritize your nuclear family. You don't get these years back. Take all the help you can get and pay it forward when the time comes.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

+1

I'm a young boomer and my kids are in their 20s and do not yet have children.

I recall very clearly how overwhelming it was to parent children while working full-time and handling everything else that life has thrown at us. I look back and I truly have no idea how I did it.

Tell your parents and your in-laws that you are overwhelmed and cannot have anything else on your plate, but that if they are able to take something off your plate, that would be amazing. Ask them for meals, to babysit, to take your kids out for excursions, whatever it is that you need.

Prioritize your nuclear family and do not apologize for it.

I wish I knew you because in all seriousness, I would lend a hand.

This is very nice.
My own mom is your age and she just doesn’t seem to understand how overwhelmed I am. She was a wealthy SAHM of two extremely easy kids and I am a DCUM-poor working mom of two not-easy kids. She thinks I should have no trouble keeping my house spotless, landscaping manicured, and still have time for lunches with her!
When she does offer sympathy she doesn’t admit that times were different. She just says “If you’d married well you’d have it easier.” Thanks for the tip.
That said she is a very loving grandma.